Wonder Mom

Let’s be frank: When someone throws a viewing party for the Emmys or the Oscars, the shindig never begins with the ceremony itself. It kicks off around the time the red carpet parade begins.

That’s because everyone knows that the fashion is just as much a part of these programs — heck, often the most interesting part — as the doling out of awards and the long, overbearing speeches that result.

So here, we’re discussing what we’re really looking forward to — and that’s watching the stars sashay down the red carpet during what always feels like the official start to the fall television season. (One person we wish we could add: Nominee Gwyneth Paltrow, who reportedly won’t be attending the ceremony. Boo!)

Here’s who we’ll be watching for… for better or for worse:

Julianna Margulies
Although an Emmy award for her role in The Good Wife has eluded Margulies, that hasn’t stopped her from coming away a winner on pretty much every red carpet she’s graced. Margulies, who is both a nominee and presenter this year, tends to favor black gowns adorned by a little something special or unexpected, and has done well using that fashion formula. But we absolutely love seeing her in red and saturated jewel tones, too. We’re crossing our fingers for something emerald green or purple this year, which would look stunning with her hair and coloring. But regardless, she’s our sure thing for the best-dressed lists.

Jane Lynch
Not only will Glee‘s Lynch make a most excellent Emmy host, what with her quick wit and dry sense of humor, we are also hopeful that she can shine on the red carpet. To be fair, we haven’t been a big fan of her previous red carpet choices, but we are hopeful that this huge place in the spotlight inspires her to wear something less prom/ballgownish and in favor of something 50-something-and fabulous. We want to see one of our faves rock it out on the red carpet. I mean, she’s the host. She’s gotta bring it… right?

January Jones
For us, Mad Men actress Jones has become one to watch because her desire to be edgy and different tends to be a polarizing force for the fashion police. She nearly always makes the fashion write-ups and broadcasts after award shows, but somehow manages to simultaneously make the worst AND best-dressed lists from the same event. Still, people always seem to be talking about her afterward, and isn’t that what every celebrity really wants anyway?

Mariska Hargitay
We can’t help it, we have a little girl-crush on Hargitay, best actress nominee for Law & Order: SVU. True, she’s had a whole lotta experience on the red carpet, so perhaps that accounts for why she’s turned in far more hits than misses over the years. But our favorite thing about her style — and the thing that makes her stand out from the rest — is that she manages to make looking glamorous seem effortless. She never seems to try too hard, yet almost always gets it right. If only everyone were so lucky…

Christina Hendricks
OK, fine, we’ll admit it: Hendricks — nominee for outstanding actress in a drama for her role as a long-suffering secretary-turned-office manager — has truly only had one red carpet stunner, and that was her look at the 2008 Emmys. We have been rooting for her ever since, only to be disappointed by her (washed out, or overpowering, or ill-fitting) choices since then. This year, we are giving her one more chance to live up to her character, Joan’s, fashion sense. If she fails, we’re gonna need a cigarette and a double bourbon on the rocks, stat.

Sofia Vergara
There’s no denying it: This Modern Family actress (and nominee for supporting actress in a comedy) could wear a dress made out of a cat’s hairballs and, as long as it was form-fitting, she’d still look smokin’ hot. But we know she’s got much better taste (and stylists) than that, so we’re counting down the days to seeing her va-va-voom down the carpet.

Lea Michele
With a consistent run of gorgeous and varied red carpet gowns, Glee star Michele has earned a spot as a red carpet darling. The best thing about Michele is that she’s so young and fresh, and unafraid to experiment with different styles. From full ball gowns to slinky, sexy numbers to eye-popping dresses that scream “Look at me!,” Michele is full of surprises and we love it. With great styling to match, Michele has got a million different looks — and we’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg.

The most recent installment from the Hot Drunken Mess files Jersey Shore is probably the most embarrassing yet if you consider these jackholes are representing America on foreign soil.

Most of Thursday’s episode revolved around a 24-hour road trip to Italy’s Riccione Beach, so the gang could feel more at home in their surroundings and behave as if they were at the Jersey shore. Of course, that meant that Snooki and Deena began drinking immediately upon arrival and made complete asses of themselves in public for the next 15 hours or so.

It began with a drunken shopping expedition and led to them exposing their lady parts while dancing at a restaurant in the middle of the day and culminated with a nauseating lesbian hook-up between the two.

At some point in the show, all the other roommates left the self-proclaimed “meatballs” on their own because their behavior was so ridiculous. And seriously, when the rest of the cast is embarrassed — in fact, we didn’t even realize they were capable of it — you know it’s got to be bad.

At the end of the episode, we were left with a cliffhanger: What would happen to Snooki after she got thrown in the back of a police car? Jail? Worse? Do we even care?

Ron-Ron juice, anyone?

Snooki (41)
— Before leaving for the trip, Snooks calls her boyfriend, they argue, and he says he’s not coming to Italy (-3)
— Snooki, in her infinite geographical wisdom, describes the Italian beach as being like Hawaiian. “It’s on the corner of a continent. So, like, it’s by an ocean.” What the hell is she talking about (-3)
— Her boss gives her and J-Woww a 15 minute break to go shopping for their beach excursion. After 25 minutes, the boss tracks them down in a store, just as Snooki tells the clerk: “Be nice with the price. We work hard (for our money).” (-3)
— Deena and Snooki have approximately ten million drinks during the daytime and embarrass themselves all over Riccione. Their jackassery includes Snooki falling into the bushes while dancing and rolling around on the dance floor with her legs sprawled out in the air (-5)
— They show up late for dinner and make everyone else wait for them (-2)
— At the bar, she and Deena are so drunk they take part in an extended make out session that stretches from the bar to the cab to the bedroom. This is hard to rank, but it could be one of the top five nastiest things we’ve had to witness on this show (-6)
—When they get back to Florence, she calls Jionni. Wearing a Hello Kitty baseball cap and HK ring, she proceeds to tell him what happened with Deena. So, not only is she gross, she defiled my favorite childhood character by wearing her during such a revolting revelation (-3)
— Jionni doesn’t get mad at her for cheating on him with Deena. Clearly he does not feel threatened by the blast in a glass (+2)
— At work, decides that hiding in a trash can in more appropriate behavior than doing any actual work (-3)
— Later, while driving, rear ends a police officer’s vehicle. She does not have her driver’s license with her, and they instantly give her a breathalyzer. Clearly, they’ve seen the show (-4)
— An ambulance arrives on the scene, and pulls a cop from the car on a stretcher. He’s wearing a neck brace (-5)
— Probably wishes she were being carted off in an ambulance, but instead is crammed into the back of a cop car (-6)
Net gain/loss: -35
Current score: 6

Deena (36)
— On the way to the beach, does the Jersey Turnpike in the front seat of the car as Snooki drives, setting the tone for the rest of the trip (-2)
— Gets smashed with Snooki during the middle of the day. They gravitate toward an eatery and bar playing house music and she dances so hard that one boob is out and her string bikini bottom drops to the floor from underneath her cover-up (-5)
— Later, she laughed about “dancing so hard my underwears came off.” This is probably also the last time she wore panties on this trip (-4)
— Later that night at the club, she is wearing a minidress sans underwear. She drops to her knees, squats and leans back in another classy signature dance move. It’s safe to say that her gyno and at least 300 random Italians have seen every nook and cranny of Deena (-9)
— She and Snooki engage in a major and gross make-out session. At one point, a bare-crotched Deena is straddling Snooki while at the bar. How is this stuff even allowed on TV? (-6)
— The next day, she has no recollection of her actions. Hey, who says blackouts are always a bad thing (+5)
Net gain/loss: -21
Current score: 15

J-Woww (110)
— J-Woww says, “I’m dying to wear my bikini.” Translation: I haven’t been able to show nearly enough of my rockin’ body since I’ve been in Italy (+3)
— Packs about 15 outfits for a 24-hour trip. “You can’t be a girl and know what you’re going to want to wear.” It’s stupid, but I do the same thing (+3)
— While out with the girls during the day in Riccione, Deena and Snooki get so completely sloshed and unruly that she and Sammi leave them behind (+2)
— At the bar, tries to help Snooki keep her undergarments from hanging out (+2), but realizes she has bigger fish to fry when …
— She notices that Deena A) is not wearing panties; and B) is showing her vagina to the entire bar while dancing. She tells her to chill out, or at least to stop squatting and bending over (+5)
— Later, the vision of Snooki and Deena making out is etched into her memory. So much for a relaxing beach trip (-4)
Net gain/loss: +11
Current score: 121

Sammi (65)
— After watching the meatballs get drunk all day, is not looking forward to going out with them that night. “This is gonna be a terrible time because I have to take care of my friend, who can barely sit up in the car.”  We see her point, but could it really be worse than any of the public club brawls between her and Ronnie? (-2)
— Is amazed at Snooki and Deena’s tonsil hockey match and observes, “I don’t even make out this long with Ron. I felt like I was watching porn for 20 hours.” (-2)
Net gain/loss: -4
Current score: 61

The Situation (35)
— Packs more than any of the girls for the short getaway (-3)
— In Riccione, sees a dude that looks EXACTLY like him. Guess he’s not as original as he thinks (-2)
— At work, performs numerous duties while the girls slack off. For a dude who slept through all his shifts in the back room of his last job, this is quite an improvement (+7)
Net gain/loss: +2
Current score: 37

Pauly D (125)
— Introduces another Jersey Shore catchphrase: “Swacked” is when you get your swagger jacked (+3)
— Pauly brings up the term because Ronnie swacked his morning routine of waking up the roommates (-2)
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: 126

Vinny (112)
— Is simply a grossed out observer for most of this episode. We obviously have more in common with Vinny than anyone else on this cast (-2)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current score: 110

Ronnie (72)
— Is annoyed that the group has about 10 suitcases for such a short trip (+3)
— Denies trying to jack Pauly’s swagger, but behind his back, the guys say he’s a serial swacker (-4), but the only way they could return the favor is by trying to date Sammi, roid raging out or crying in a corner, so they just let it go
Net gain/loss: -1
Current score: 71

SCORECARD:
Pauly D: 126
J-Woww: 121
Vinny: 110
Ronnie: 71
Sammi: 61
The Situation: 37
Deena: 15
Snooki: 6

Last weekend, we were aimlessly surfing the TV channel guide and discovered a show title so intriguing we had to check it out. And within five minutes of tuning into Whisker Wars –a reality series that follows bearded and mustachioed men across the country as the compete in facial hair competitions — we were hooked.

Oh sure, it sounds kinda, um, hairy. But it’s chock full of good stuff, and we got to learn more about a subculture that we didn’t even know existed during one half hour than we ever thought possible. Not to mention that it’s crazy to hear words come out of a guy’s face when you can’t even see his mouth moving. Or his mouth, for that matter.

Here are five reasons Whisker Wars is now part of our must-see TV list.

1. Bearding is a sport. According to the show open, “Bearding is a sport. A sport of growing, grooming and presenting one’s facial hair.” First, we love that avoiding shaving is not only considered an activity, but a competitive athletic endeavor. Because that’s basically what “sport” implies, right? For those who participate, it is Very Serious Business.

2. Facial hair is a gift from the heavens above. These men feel about their beards the same way many feel about their cars or landscaping skills. Says Jack Passion of his ginormous crimson beard: “It’s beautiful. It’s like gold pouring out of my face. … I’m a beardsman — the best there ever was.”

3. Romance and beard coaches. We’re not yet sure what, exactly, a beard coach does. But we do know that Whisker Warrior Myk O’Connor is marrying his. “As ridiculous as it sounds to propose to someone at a beard competition,” he said, “I just couldn’t think of any other way.” Be still my heart.

4. There are people skiing in that guy’s beard! At the various contests, there are several competition categories, which include full beard; full beard, styled mustache; partial beard; and our fave, freestyle beard. In the latter category, we saw a guy use hair products to mold his beard into a ski mountain, into which he affixed several tiny, plastic skier figurines. Then, he, himself also dressed as a skier to present his look to judges. It was Totally. Freakin’. Awesome. And he only took second place!

5. Who knew beardsmen were catty? Apparently, it is sacrilege to use one’s beard-growing knowledge for profit, since all the guys in the Austin Facial Hair Club resent Jack Passion for writing a book on growing a great bead. One AFC member even created a fake Twitter account to ridicule Passion and his exploitation of their precious sport. In fact, most of these dudes are adept at cracking open a can of haterade. After a man with a clearly inferior chin tuft placed in the full beard category, the others exclaimed with disgust, “That second place beard didn’t even belong on this stage.”

Whisker Wars airs at 11 p.m. Fridays on IFC.

Oh, MTV. You sure know how to woo a girl.

We were SO highly anticipating this special Sunday night episode of Jersey Shore, being that Ronnie supposedly beat the living crap out of The Situation, resulting in Sitch being carted off to the hospital in an ambulance. Or at least that’s what MTV and its clever editors would have you believe.

Now, we’re not for violence or anything, but two meatheads fighting seems like A) something that those muscly types like to do; and B) makes for good television.

But last night, we learned the real deal: That Mike, in a fit of rage and showboating, crushed HIS OWN head into a concrete wall, which led to a mild concussion and neck sprain. Now, Ronnie did toss him around a little after that, but Mike is the one who created his own medical situation. Seriously, there is no end to the idiocy that goes on in this house.

However, as moronic as Mike’s headbutt was it seemed like a pretty viable option once we realized the rest of the episode would revolve around Ronnie and Sammi’s joke of a relationship. But somehow, we muddled our way through it all without bashing our own heads in, or chugging a bottle of wine to relieve the pain.

In other minor events, Pauly D exchanged words in the club with an Italian instigator, and The Situation’s injuries were to prevent him from going out for a week…. which is like 10 weeks in Mike-Not Getting-Laid time.

Enjoy the fireworks, friends:

THE SITUATION  (68)
— Headbutts the wall, because, well, he’s a dumbass (-5)
— After that, he gets up and that’s when Ronnie slams him into the floor and the production crew has to break up the brawl (-3)
— He goes off in the ambulance and long story short, he’s the one who caused his own injuries: A mild concussion and a neck sprain, which requires him to wear a neck brace (-10)
— Doctors tell him to lay low for a week, but everyone else goes about their business and he’s alone a lot. He feels lonely and actually cries a little (-3)
— He wears his sunglasses to try to disguise it (-1)
— Later admits to Ronnie that he was psyching himself out by headbutting the wall because he was afraid to thrown down with a big, meaty chunk like Ron (-7)
Net gain/loss: -29
Current total: 39

RONNIE (83)
— After producers bust up their fist fight, Ronnie says, “I’ve been waiting for a long time to f*** you up.” It’s hard to take seriously, though, when Ronnie gets aggro a million times every season (-3)
— Ronnie is trying to cool off, but Sammi is yapping in his face like a little dog, which is just agitating him more (-4)
— With veins popping out of every skin surface, he tells her to “get out of his face.” She does not (-2)
— Jenni eventually gets rid of Sammi and Ronnie opens up to her about his long-running animosity with The Situation (+3)
— He cries. Oh, steroids. Such a finicky friend you are (-3)
— Goes to talk to Sammi. Tells her their relationships is toxic (+4) and that he’s been calling another girl since they’ve been in Italy (-2)
— Sammi grills him, then runs underneath her covers to cry, then tells him she never wants to see him again. To us, this is a big PLUS (+5)
— Ronnie wants some alone time, so he packs his bags to go home. The are filled with workout gear, high-tops and wife-beaters (-2)
— Puts Mike’s bed back together because he feels like a jerk (+2)
— Ronnie says he needs to collect his thoughts. He has thoughts? (+2)
— Oh, nevermind. He collects his “thoughts” in the form of weightlifting. What a shock (-1)
— After some time to himself, he goes to the club with Vinny and Pauly, and a girl wants to go home with him (+3)
— He turns her down, gets some roses for Sammi and goes home. Dudes. Come ON (-3)
— He gives them to her, and she acts like … herself. Ron kicks himself in the crotch and goes to bed (-4)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 74

SAMMI (79)
— Ronnie is still raging mad, but everything is all about Sammi, so she has to go harangue him a little more (-3)
— Jenni is trying to talk Ronnie down, and Sammi gets upset that it’s not her (-2)
— Goes to bed to cry, natch (-1)
— Ronnie tells her that he’s been calling Hannah from Italy, and she says she’s done with him. We’d give her more points, but we’ve heard this approximately 21,092 times before (+3)
— Takes all the presents that Ron got her and puts them on his bed out of spite (-2)
— Apologizes to The Sitch for causing the ruckus, but he doesn’t care and barely grunts out an acknowledgment of her presence (-3)
— When Ronnie tries to throw everything she left on his bed into the trash, she wants it all back. Are we being punked right now? This is ridic (-2)
— He brings her home roses and she reacts as expected: “Did you bring home another girl? Why are you being mean to me?” (-5)
Net gain/loss: -15
Current total: 64


PAULY D (105)
— Goes to the hospital with Mike to make sure he’s OK (+2)
— Sums up what we’re all thinking: “What comes to mind when I think of Ron and Sam is me throwing up.” (+5)
— His sympathy for Mike runs out when he gets home and sees his get-up. “You don’t wear sunglasses with a neck brace. He looks ridiculous.” (+3)
—At the bar, Pauly is drunk when some guy starts messing with him. Pauly has no idea what he’s saying, but he tries to start a fight (-2)
— Vinny is able to get through to him through the hair helmet, and he backs off (+1)
Net gain/loss: +9
Current total: 114


VINNY (100)
— Tells Ronnie that his anger management is a problem when he drinks. Master of the obvious, but he’s the only one with the cajones to say it (+3)
— Gives Ron some other words of counsel (+1), but is so fed up that he can’t deal when a florist calls the house, so he hangs up on her (-2)
— He claims that after the Ronnie-Mike brouhaha, the house was starting to get back to normal. Or at least their version of normal. “If it wasn’t f***ed up, it wouldn’t be our house.” True dat (+2)
Net gain/loss: +4
Current total: 104

J-WOWW (105)
— Ronnie is still all amped up, so Jenni runs interference between him and Sammi and finally gets her to step off before he whoops up on someone else (+3)
— Calls ambulance to have The Sitch checked out after his wall and Ron ordeal (+2)
— Comforts Ronnie when he cries over Sammi (+1)
Net gain/loss: +6
Current total: 111

SNOOKI (60)
— Even though she’s angry at The Situation, she encourages him to go to the hospital to get checked out (+2)
— Receives flowers from her boyfriend, then calls him for some dirty talk. He’s too embarrassed to do it — at least while he’s being taped (-2)
— Tells Mike she’s glad he’s OK and they make nice (+2)
Net gain/loss: +2
Current total: 62

DEENA (50)
— Barely makes an appearance this week (+0)
Net gain/loss: +0
Current total: 50

SCORECARD:
Pauly D: 116
Jenni: 111
Vinny: 104
Ronnie: 74
Sammi: 64
Snooki: 62
Deena: 50
The Situation: 39

It’s been a rough week for Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, both in real time and reality land.

Earlier this week, the ab-eriffic Jersey Shore star was dissed by Abercrombie & Fitch, which asked the GTL aficionado to stop wearing its clothes and embarrassing the brand. Then, in last night’s ep of Jersey Shore, the Situation A) got his confidence betrayed by Ronnie; B) got into a wicked screaming match with Snooki; and C) saw his potential threesome go down in flames after Deena stole one of the women out from under him.

Which leads us to other haps on the show: Deena enjoyed a lesbionic (their word, not ours) romp in addition to making out with an Italian waiter. Snooki worried that her relationship with her boyfriend would suffer as a result of Mike’s confession. Also, Ronnie and Sammi rekindled their love-hate relationship, making everyone on Earth want to wretch. Last but not least, Vinny got some action, and the details of that are preeeeetty juicy.

Saddle up! Here’s the countdown:

THE SITUATION (98)
— Finds out that his DTF girl, Brittany, has a twin who wants to join in on the, uh, carnal festivities (+3)
— Meets the sisters out at a bar, tells them they’re definitely going home with him and to meet up with him later (+1)
— Finds another girl to smush instead (+2), but she ditches him once they’re outside and he goes home empty-handed (-4)
— At home later, he asks Snooki to get off the phone with her dad so that he can call booty call Brittany and her sister. He gets voice mail (-3)
— Next morning, the twins show up in his bedroom, thanks to a prank by Ronnie. Situation erupts with nervous laughter, then decides to take them out to breakfast and lay the groundwork for his manage a trois (+2)
— At brekkie, finds out twin No. 2 is a virgin. At first, we weren’t sure that word was even in his vocabulary base, but he seems to comprehend and amends his plan of attack (-5)
— The twins track down Mike at a club later that night, in a move that the rest of the group deems stalker-ish. However, he decides tonight’s the night to make a go of things… and the sisters seem drunk enough agreeable  (+3)
— Something goes horribly wrong. The virgin twin is making out with Deena on the dance floor. The girl opts for the Blast in a Glass instead of being a piece of shared ass (-7)
— At home, Sitch tells Brittany to lay down in his bed and leaves her there for an extended time. He goes and complains to Snooki that Deena is selfish for stealing his other twin. The man who has committed multiple woman robberies from his roommates does see any irony in this situation (-4)
— All hell breaks loose when Ronnie spills Mike’s secret about recently sleeping with Snooki. Snooks starts yelling at him; she denies any sexual escapades occurred. The screaming match continues (-5)
— He promises he’s telling the truth, saying “If a girl rejects me, I admit it.” Um, yeah, except for last week, when Deena denied him cuddle time that he wouldn’t admit to seeking in the first place (-3)
— Brittany finally comes out of the bedroom looking for Mike, who forgot she was even there. Sitch forgetting about a promising roll in the hay? This might be a Jersey Shore first (-2)
— Despite the night’s ugly turn of events, Sitch still manages to get laid. This man always comes out on top… or on the bottom, as it were (+4)
Net gain/loss: -18
Current total: 80

SNOOKI (90)
— Goes out to eat with Ron before their workout and orders a Pinot Grigio (-3)
— “Wine in Italy for me is legit, like coffee is for normal people.” (-2)
— Thinks Ronnie and Sammi are meant for each other. This may be the best argument yet against Snooki drinking  (-2)
— Goes to gym, where the aging trainer gets a little too close to her. She tells him, “I can feel your wiener.” We throw up a little bit (-3)
— When Sammi makes a toast to “Firenze,” Snooki wonders if that means Florence. You think that’s one thing she would have picked up by now (-1)
— Tries to help Sitch set up a threesome with the twins. It’s a good friend thing to do, we guess (+3), but we are so grossed out by everyone, it’s hard to truly appreciate it.
— At home, tells Mike she doesn’t feel like “conversating” with Brittany (-2)
— When she discovers Sitch said he supposedly bedded her, Snooki is livid. However, she doesn’t really deny it happened to his face, only to the others. Instead, to Mike, she says things like, “You’re a psycho!,” “You know I love Jionni, so why would you even say that?,” and “Why are you doing this?” Hmmm… this isn’t looking good for her (-8)
— Ronnie advises her to talk to Jionni about the alleged situation upfront, instead of letting him find out the hard way because it will be more damaging to the relationship. But honestly, is there any possibility of a good outcome here? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -22
Current total: 68

DEENA (62)
— Goes to lunch, gets phone number from Italian waiter, whom she calls her “Lean Cuisine” (+2)
— She’s excited because “he actually speaks well English.” If only we could say the same for you, or anyone else on this show (-4)
— Waiter meets her out at the club. After making out with him and “Jersey Turnpiking” him all night, she tells him she’s not easy. Then she brings him home (-2)
— She says she only wants to cuddle for the night, but then Vinny and Pauly get all bent out of shape about it happening in their shared room. Waiter now wants to leave (-3)
— She convinces him to stay, but when everyone falls asleep, he bolts. Bad for Deena, but he probably just saved himself a future visit to the clinic (-2)
— Next night at the bar, Deena steals one third of Mike’s threesome (+2)
— Gets the girl to come home with her. Of course, her roomies Vinny and Pauly have no problem with this potential cuddle session (+2)
— She leaves the bedroom for a minute, during which time her girl goes over to Vinny’s bed and starts up some foreplay with him. Are people really this disgusting all the time, or am I just getting old? (-4)
— Deena returns and seems weirded out, but somehow lures the drunk, half-naked blonde back into her bed (+3)
— In the end, gets cold feet about her “lesbionic experience” and sends the girl back to Vinny’s side of the room. Can we remind you that this is the allegedly virgin twin??? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -10
Current total: 52

RONNIE (112)
— Pretends to be Mike on the phone and invites the stalker twins over to the house as a prank. Then he leaves the house with Pauly D (+3)
— Returns home, sees the sisters sitting there and starts giggling and hyperventilating like a little kid who just heard a fart. Geez, at least try to play it cool for five minutes, dude (-2)
— Sammi wants to talk, so Ronnie takes her to dinner at a nice rooftop restaurant (+3)
— Ronnie should prepare to have his nether regions kicked ten thousand times by his friends at home, because he gets back together with her (-8)
— Betrays Mike’s confidence when he tells J-Woww and Sammi that Sitch supposedly bedded Snooki when she had a boyfriend. Dang, that was a mouthful, wasn’t it? (-3)
— Sitch gets pissed, and Ronnie (who has had many confidences betrayed by Mike) says, two wrongs don’t make a right, but it damn sure makes it even “You know it was gonna come out anyway” (+3)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 109

SAMMI (92)
— Tries to drunk-seduce Ronnie at the bar again. So much for her claims of being independent and better off without Ronnie during the season premiere (-3)
—- Blah, blah, blah, they’re back together again (-2)
— Expect Sammi to start sulking in bed again any day now (-3)
— Sammi uses the word “romantical,” which is gross in both a grammatical way and the way she intended it to be used. She and Ronnie are anything but… (-4)
Net gain/loss: -12
Current total: 80

VINNY (100)
— Gets mad at Deena for cuddling her waiter dude in her room instead of using the smush room (-2)
— Next night, is laying in bed chillin’, when Deena’s female conquest comes to his bed and randomly starts making out with him (+3)
— Deena returns to the room and gets the half-naked girl to dismount Vinny and return to her. Instead of musical chairs, it’s musical VD! (-7)
— When Deena decides not to follow through with the full lesbian encounter, she sends the blonde back to Vinny’s bed and undisclosed sexual events occur (+8)
Net gain/loss: +3
Current total:103

J-WOWW (93)
— After Ronnie tells Jenni about Mike and Snooki’s alleged smush sesh, J-Woww immediately tells Snooki what he’s been saying. She’s a true-blue girlfriend, we’ll give her that (+4)
— However, she does exaggerate and say Sitch has been telling everyone, when really, he only confided in Ronnie (-1)
— Gives Snooki a pep talk after the blowout (+2)
Net gain/loss: +5
Current total: 98

PAULY D (108)
— Was the first of the group to meet Brittany’s twin. If he would have invested about 30 additional seconds into his greeting, it could have been him getting action instead of Vinny and Deena. She didn’t really seem too picky (-2)
— Then again, would you really want a chick who went from considering a threesome with Mike and her sister, to bed-hopping between Deena and Vinny? Me thinks Pauly dodged a bullet there (+3)
Net gain/loss: +1
Current total: 109

SCORECARD:
Pauly D: 109
Ronnie: 109
Vinny: 103
J-Woww: 98
Situation: 80
Sammi: 80
Snooki: 68
Deena: 52

With a toddler, you react first and think about it later.

“Nicholas, please don’t put the dog’s balls in your mouth.”

I was talking tennis balls, but still.

We know what you’re thinking: “I just don’t see enough of those Real Housewives. Two cities airing at once, all year ’round? Well, that barely whets my whistle.”

Have we got news for you! Bravo is launching “The Real Housewives Live Tour,” which, so far, is slated for stops in three cities: Atlantic City, New Jersey; Hammond, Indiana; and Atlanta. Each installation will feature four Housewives from different cities talking about their experiences on the show.

Um, can’t everyone see that FOR FREE on the reunion shows, Twitter and Facebook?

“Bravo viewers like to truly engage in the shows they are passionate about,” said Ellen Stone, Bravo’s senior vice president of marketing in a press release. “With ‘The Real Housewives Live Tour,’ we are able to give our fans a unique, hands-on experience with their favorite cast members across franchises that they can’t experience anywhere else.”

Those willing to fork over $50 to $170,  can listen to the likes of Atlanta hothead NeNe Leakes; Orange County workaholic and woo-hooer, Vicki Gunvalson; New Jersey matriarch and “the normal one” Caroline Manzo; or score some class lessons from New York Countess and music-butcherer LuAnn de Lesseps.

The tour hits Atlantic City on Oct. 1; Hammond on Oct. 8; and Atlanta on Oct. 15.

No word on whether SkinnyGirl margaritas or Ramona Pinot Grigio will be on hand.

In the second episode of Jersey Shore, the American idiots learned that they’d be working in Italy making pizzas. Sure, the crew can hook up a mean Sunday dinner at home, but we’re guessing anyone who’s seen this show probably before wouldn’t want them handling their food.

I sure hope they shower more often than they did before going to work at the Shore Store last season.

Anyhow, most of their action happened in clubs and during the wee hours of the morning… The Situation got his first action in Italy with an American girl, who clearly didn’t mind being a notch on a very worn out bedpost. Deena tried to seduce Pauly D several times, while Sammi tried to lure Ronnie back into the sack.

When Mike wasn’t mounting strangers, he awkwardly tried to snuggle with Deena and be all lovey-like with Snookums. Yuck.

Meanwhile, the kids also learned more about Italy. For instance, the big church — “I think starts with a ‘V,’” says Snooki — is called the Vatican. It’s so nice to see them stretch their brains a little. By the time they leave Italy, they might even be able to spell their own names.

We’ll take a pepperoni pie, please, minus the acrylic fingernail and weave remnants:

DEENA (84)
— Is totally wasted and stumbles into house, falls down (-2)
— Tumbles down the stairs and bashes into counter and is slurring her words (-3)
— Tries to wake Pauly up to smush, but he pretends to be asleep. Can’t really blame him (-3)
— Next day, says something like, “I’m so proud of myself for not falling down last night.” (-2)
— Is supposed to cook Sunday dinner, but goes out to eat with Sammi and Jenni (-1)
— Another night, another series of drunken faceplants (-4)
— “I wanted to hook up with that guy. (Points to cop) Is that him?” (-2)
— Sitch tries to cuddle with her, she blows him off. At least she has that much sense (+3)
— She tells the group about it, and then Pauly tells Mike that she told everyone (-4)
— She’s obviously mad at her DJ crush, but Pauly apologizes to her and gives her a bracelet (+3)
— She thanks him with a hug. His reciprocated hug is definitely in the friend zone (-3)
— Viewers get to see one more spill from Deena before the show ends. This time she splats flat on her back, like a turtle, in the bar, undies exposed (-4)
Net gain/loss: -22
Current total: 62

SNOOKI (99)
— After night at the bar, sleeps all day (-1) but wakes up in time for Sunday dinner. Atta girl! (+3)
— Calls boyfriend, who is pissed off because he hadn’t heard from her for a day (-2)
— Seems perplexed that her boyfriend may not trust her, but we suspect he’s seen the first three seasons of this show, soooo what does she expect? (-3)
— The Sitch is there to pick up the pieces and get all touchy feely with her (-4)
— At orientation for the new job, she says, “I don’t speak Italian. How am I supposed to know how to cook a pizza?”  (-4)
— When Mike brings home an American skank, Snooki is unimpressed with her appearance and tells him he could do better. Doesn’t this kind of observation kind of go without saying by now? (-1)
— Directly after Mike gets his action, he tells Snooki he has feelings for her. She blows him off (+5)
— At one point Snooki declares, “I love Rome! I mean, Italy!” (-2)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 90

PAULY D (104)
— Enjoyed his kiss with Deena and tells Snooki he’s willing to smush her. But he’s also hesitant because he doesn’t want her to catch feelings and get upset when he screws other chicks. A playboy with a heart (+3)
— Wakes everyone up with grenade horn (again), and nobody immediately responds (-1)
— Goes shopping to get groceries for Sunday dinner with the others (+3)
— At orientation, owner tells Pauly D to take off his sunglasses inside. Finally! (-2)
— Wants to have the job where he tosses the pizza dough because as a DJ, so he is obviously good at spinning things (+3)
— Tells Mike Deena was clowning him and she gets mad (-2)
Net gain/loss: +4
Current total: 108

THE SITUATION (99)
— Within seconds of walking into bar, a blonde chick approaches him and basically offers herself up to him (+3)
— He thinks she’s so-so looking, but she speaks English so that’s all that matters (+2)
— Not that he’s interested in talking to her (-1)
— Gets a variety of bedroom services from her, then immediately calls a cab for her to go home (-2)
— While he is still covered in ho juices, he professes his romantic feelings to Snooki. Just when you think he can’t get any more disgusting (-4)
— Next night at club, he doesn’t score so he calls up blondie for round 2. This time, he asks her to sleep over (+1)
Net gain/loss: -1
Current total: 98

J-WOWW (97)
—  Struggles to make a cup of coffee. Grinds up coffee beans using a kitchen utensil with which I am unfamiliar. Creative … (+2)
— … but also a pain in the ass for just one cup of coffee. “Making coffee in Italy is like making coffee in the 1600s” (-3)
— Ronnie tells her he’s flying his side piece, Hannah, out to Italy in a few weeks. That puts her in the middle, and will likely come back to haunt her when Sammi finds out (-3)
Net gain/loss: -4
Current total: 93

SAMMI (105)
— Oh God, she’s already crying (-3)
— Babysits Deena and walks her home when she’s being an idiot (+2)
— Sammi: “What are these weird strawberries?” Deena: “They’re raspberries.” (-3)
— Another night, Sammi gets plastered in the nightclub and tries to talk to Ron. She chases him around, trying to talk to her even though he’s not interested in what will likely turn into a drunken brawl (-3)
— At home afterward, they are eating middle of the night, alcohol-absorbing snacks together. She leans over and goes, “I miss you. … I love you.” I swear I’m going to stop watching this show if they get together again (-6)
Net gain/loss: -13
Current total: 92

RONNIE (106)
— After a bar night, goes home and calls his “friend,” Hannah, and wants her to come visit him in Italy. As long as it’s not Sammi, we’re down (+3)
— At the pizza job orientation, Snooki is chosen to demonstrate and does a decent job. Ronnie says what we’re all thinking “If Snooki can do it, we ALL can do it. You know what I mean?” (+2)
— Gets embarrassingly s***faced at the bar and it’s painful to watch. Also, do you realize how much alcohol this monster has to consume to get tore up like that? (-4)
— In the bathroom, he tells the others, “I am the pimp daddy mack of this whole place.” He’s got a piece of wet toilet paper stuck to his eyebrow (-4)
— Is bragging to the guys that he had sex with three girls in four days before he left home (+1)
— Walking home with J-Woww, he falls flat down on the sidewalk (-3), but pops right back up like a jack in the box (+1)
— When Sammi tries to entice him into a drunken cuddle session (or more), he turns her down (+10)
Net gain/loss: +6
Current total: 112

VINNY (101)
— Lays low most of episode, but does get in a very small jacuzzi with Ronnie (-1)
Net gain/loss: -1
Current total: 100


CURRENT TOTALS:
Ronnie: 112
Pauly D: 108
Vinny: 100
Situation: 98
J-Woww: 93
Sammi: 92
Snooki: 90
Deena: 62

On the plus side, America got rid of the Jersey Shore gang for a while when MTV sent them to film to Italy.

In turn, most of Italy probably thinks we’re all a bunch of drunken cretins who bury ourselves in bronzer and hair gel now. Ah well, them’s the breaks when a hit TV show needs some fresh stomping grounds.

When the much ballyhooed Italy season premiered last night, the guys and girls were in a race across the pond, knowing that the first arrivals would secure the prime room choices. The boys won, snagging the rooms they wanted (Mike and Ronnie in one, Vinny and Pauly in another, which Deena would end up sharing with them as well).

From there,the hunt for food, gyms, nightclubs and new genital diseases began.

So, let’s get this character countdown cracking, shall we? Each cast member starts the season with 100 points. They lose or earn points based on things they do, or things that happen to them. At the end of the season, we crown a winner the least offensive of the bunch.

SNOOKI (100)
— Has a serious boyfriend now, who is helping her pack her undies for Italy (+1)
— “I have no idea where Italy is on a map, but I do know what shape it is and it looks like a boot.” Yes, folks, this brainiac is not only a published author, but she probably has more money than you, too (-3)
— Has packed eight suitcases, likely filled with furry footwear, too-small dresses and 40 percent of the leopard print clothing in existence (+2)
— While trying to transport her massive load through airport, we get another Snooki grammar lesson: “We can’t luggage all this sh!t.” Somewhere, Snooki’s high school teachers are considering a career change (-2)
— Wants to get her money converted to pesos (-1)
— Is sweaty from lugging all her stuff and reports: “I smell like King Kong’s a**hole.” (-3)
— Arguably the worst driver in the house anyway, is the only girl who can drive a stick shift, which means she’ll be doing much of the driving. (-5)
— Luckily, most of the cast uses enough hair products to protect their noggins in the event of an accident (+3)
— The girls get lost en route to breakfast and the gym, so Snooki works out at home. She’s growing up so fast! It seems like just last season that she woke up and started drinking instead. Oh, wait… (+4)
— At the club, the Situation is flirting with her and she tells him to step off, which may be the first time ever than she’s turned down a potential bedmate (+3)
Net gain/loss: -1
Current total: 99

DEENA (100)
— As she says she’s not going to have sex right when she gets to Italy, she bends over in cutoff shorts and performs her Jersey Turnpike dance move for the guy taking her passport photos. Such a nice, wholesome girl (-3)
— In the airport, trips and falls down on her face (-2)
— After Vinny gives her a hello hug, he remarks that she smells like spray tan (-3), but we guess it’s better than King Kong’s poop chute
— Her goals for Italy: “I want to do the Jersey Turnpike all over the place.” Sorry, Italy. Don’t hold it against the rest of us, please (-4)
— Wears a bra that makes her boobs the size of those personal watermelons you can get at the grocery store for $3.99 (+2)
— Wants to smush Pauly D and gets him to kiss her in the club. We wish we could say it was a sexy event, but we considered using a staple gun to seal our eyes shut afterward (-6)
Net gain/loss: -16
Current total: 84

VINNY (100)
— Has grown a “beard,” but we’ve seen pubescent boys that can grow better facial hair (-1)
— Has the fellas over for a ginormous Italian feast with his family before they head overseas (+4)
— Is the only one who seems excited about the history of Italy, instead of seeing it as a new place to get laid (+3)
— OK, he sees it as that, too (-1) but at least he doesn’t have a one-track mind
— He defines a bidet for the masses: “It’s a way of cleaning your butthole after going to the bathroom. It feels kinda good, too, on a lonely night.” He’s as eloquent as Merriam-Webster, isn’t he? (-2)
— Is the only one who speaks a lick of Italian (+5), but this means he is in charge of calling for cabs and translating all the other guys’ corny pick up lines to the ladies. That won’t leave lot of time for seeking out his own carnal pleasures (-7)
Net gain/loss: +1
Current total: 101

PAULY D (100)
— Is shrewd enough to pack an international plug in order to use his hair dryer (+4)
— Italian outlets can’t handle the power of his blow dryer, which gets fried (-3)
— Luckily, he finds a back-up. Between the cast, this house is like his own personal beauty supply store (+2)
— First morning in the house, wakes up everyone with a horn, so they can begin enjoying Italy (+1)
— Is the only dude that can drive a manual transmission (+3)
— Succumbs to Deena’s watermelon bra and has a repulsive make-out sesh with her in the club (-3)
Net gain/loss: +4
Current total: 104

SITUATION (100)
— Looks forward to meeting European women who are “more free-spirited.” And by free-spirited, he means “they do not know or care what STDs may be lurking in my skinny jeans” (+2)
— Finds out Snooki has lost some weight, so now he’s willing to grace her with his manhood (-2)
— Brings more suitcases than any of the ladies… but you know at least two of them are filled with spare sweatpants and t-shirts for his conquests to wear when they get to the house (+3)
— Tells Ronnie that he and Snooki hooked up when she had the boyfriend, and says he’s starting to like her a little bit. We all know the feelings part is complete crap, that he’s just interested in the challenge of bedding her now (-4)
Net gain/loss: -1
Current total: 99

J-WOWW (100)
— Assumes that remaining faithful to Roger will be easy in Italy. “I will be shocked as all hell if I see I gorilla in Italy…. I don’t even think it makes 6’4 juiceheads with tattoos out there, so I don’t think he has anything to worry about.” (+3)
— Some of her bronzer explodes in the suitcase. Instead of being concerned about what items might now be stained, she says “I am down to eight cans of bronzer and in my world, that will last me about 10 days.” (-2)
— When none of the girls can find usable outlets for their hair tools, Jenni locates the best one… which is in the kitchen. Let the disgusting and unsanitary conditions of the house commence! (-4)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 97

RONNIE (100)
— His alter-ego, “Single Ronnie” is back in action. Italy will be a “fresh start. No more being a bitch.” Anything is better than crying, ‘roid-rage Ronnie (+4)
— Friends at home tell him they will kick him in the nuts if he gets back with Sammi. Add us to that list, please (+1)
— After they arrive in the house, he struts around shirtless because that’s what meatheads do (+1)
Net gain/loss: +6
Current total: 106

SAMMI (100)
— Sammi and Ron have been broken up, and her new motto is “Not to sit home crying and laying in my bed soaking in my sorrows.” I guess that means we’ll actually have an extra person to write up in these stories each week (+3)
— Spent the entire episode upright, dressed and without mascara tears. Holla! (+2)
Net gain/loss: +5
Current total: 105

CURRENT TOTALS:
Ronnie: 106
Sammi: 105
Pauly D: 104
Vinny: 101
Snooki: 99
Situation: 99
J-Woww: 97
Deena: 84

For many couples, there’s one straw that breaks the camel’s back before a relationship ends.

But for Jersey Shore’s Ronnie and Sammi, the camel’s back has not only been broken, but backed over 1,000 with a dump truck — and frankly, it’s exhausting to watch. In Thursday’s ep, the duo fought some more, broke up again, and made people on Divorce Court seem like matches made in heaven. Same ol’, same ol’.

But the nice folks at MTV did make room for some other storylines, such as: Snooki’s dream guy turning nightmare; Deena getting some action; Pauly rematching with his stalker from last year; and the Situation’s fornication meeting hesitation when Ronnie spoiled the mood.

It’s a swell summah at the show-ah!:

RONNIE (81)
— Goes out to bar and gets wasted, and puts his exemplary English skills to work: “I’ve dranken a lot more than I drank tonight.” Ronnie, is your last name Merriam-Webster? (-3)
— Walks in the house holding his crotch; faceplants on the bean bag in living room (-1)
— Goes up to his room, vomits in a plastic bag alongside the bed (-4)
— Wakes up and is having rectal bleeding (-5)
— Goes to doctor, where he gets finger probed on television. Just when you think your hangover can’t get any worse… (-4)
— Apparently, Ronnie messed up his ass by drinking too much, but Jersey Shore isn’t a show for learning useful medical facts, so we never really understand how or why it happened (-4)
— Wants some personal space away from Sammi — and in his defense, she is always up in his grill (+2)
— They fight a bunch more, yada yada yada, they break up again (-3)
— Says he wants to be left alone, but Sammi follows him around the house, trying to get him to talk to her. Looks like his personal space is being violated more than once this episode! (-4)
Net gain/loss: -26
Current total: 55

SAMMI (61)
— At bar, Ronnie starts to drink a lot and Sammi starts to get annoyed. Here we go again! (-2)
— Oh wait. She’s going to be nice to him? At home, she fixes him a snack to try and soak up the alcohol (+3)
— Unfortunately, he doesn’t eat and expels his stomach contents into a plastic bag next to the bed (-2)
— Sammi “doesn’t do throw-up,” so she’s repulsed when gets puke on her hand (-4)
— Laughs at Ron after he gets his rectum probed. Injury, meet insult (-3)
— Sitch makes a good point: Sammi spends hours straightening her hair and it’s already straight (-2)
— Right before going out, starts fighting with Ronnie. Instead of going out anyway, she decides to stay home. Hopefully, she’s staying home to laminate her “poor me” card, because that thing sure is getting tattered around the edges from so much use (-2)
— Wakes up Ronnie and tries to lure him into her bed with the promise of clean sheets. No comment (-3)
— Ronnie needs some personal space, but Sammi keeps following him around the house (-1)
— She decides to move her stuff out of his room, but then the show ended so we were left hanging. Somehow, I bet they end up staying put and making each other miserable again next week (+0)
Net gain/loss: -16
Current total: 46

SNOOKI (35)
— Comes home drunk from the bar and passes out in the dog pen with Jenni’s dogs (-2)
— In car, shares that she once spent an entire day masturbating and couldn’t move the next day because her muscles were all sore. Gosh, now I wish I had Ronnie’s plastic barf bag handy (-4)
— At drug store, rides a kiddie tricycle around the aisles, breaks it, returns it to corner of the store. A few weeks later, Johnny’s birthday party suddenly becomes a lot less fun (-3)
— Brings home a gorilla from the bar and wants to have sex with him, but she gets her period. Perhaps this should be called “Too Much Information About Snooki’s Vagina” episode (-2)
— Has fun joking around with Gorilla Jeff the next morning, and asks him to go to the boardwalk and ride rides with her (+3)
— Science with Snooki: She says the reason the ocean is salty is because it’s filled with whale sperm (-5)
— Jeff tells her he’s been engaged before, which annoys her because she wants someone “fresh.” She tells him not to call her (-1)
— He calls her; she hangs up on him (-2)
— He calls back again a couple of times and Pauly plays him out on the phone (+4)
— Goes to sex store with the girls and is the only one to wear her Hustler costume home. I mean, she did put her bare ass in a fridge a few weeks ago, so I guess this shouldn’t surprise me (-3)
— She and the girls are two hours late to work, then has the nerve to get mad when her boss is annoyed (-3)
— Gets angry again when her boss asks her to work instead of b.s.ing with J-Woww all day. Good thing she makes money from living her life on TV, because we can’t even imagine her being gainfully employed (-3)
Net gain/loss: -21
Current total: 14

DEENA (84)
— On car ride to the pharmacy, brings up masturbating to Jenni and Snooki. This might be racy on any other show, but here, it’s the tamest part of the episode (+1)
— You know how Pig Pen in the Peanuts is always surrounded by a cloud of dirt? Well, that’s how Deena is, except it’s a cloud of hair spray (-3)
— Ronnie’s meaty friends come to visit, and she wants to smoosh one of them (+2)
— When friend agrees to come home with her, she rushes everyone out of the bar and back home before he changes his mind (-3)
— Said she wasn’t going to have sex with him because “you need a golden ticket to get into these draw-ahs.” (+2)
— A golden ticket falls from the sky; sex is had. Oopsie (-2)
— Goes out to bar alone with the guys again, and spend the night in a Jersey Turnpike position. (Definition: Bending over and grinding your ass into someone’s crotch while dancing.) Klassy. (-4)
— Deena: “Face down, ass up — that’s the way I like to have a good time.” Dear Deena’s Mom: I hope you’re having an extra-strong drink tonight (-3)
Net gain/loss: -10
Current total: 74 

THE SITUATION (95)
— Brings a girl home from bar, and gives her a purple t-shirt to wear that says Situation. Um…. so does he give these away as souvenirs now? “I got myself into a Situation and all I got was this lousy t-shirt (and herpes).” (-3)
— Is snuggling in his bed with her, then Ronnie starts barfing in the next bed over. Despite his womanizing ways, we do feel really, really sorry for Sitch for getting stuck in this room (-3)
Net gain/loss: -6
Current total: 89

PAULY D (94)
— Pretends to be an answering machine when Snooki’s boy-toy keeps calling, and his ad-libbing is hilarious and top-notch (+6)
— Snooki thinks Pauly is so beautiful she wants him to father her babies someday so that they’ll be pretty. Can you IMAGINE the hair on Snooki-Pauly offspring? (+3)
— Says he doesn’t hold grudges, so invites Danielle (his stalker from last season) over to the house. Yes, the same Danielle that poured a drink on his head a few weeks back (-2)
— Digs out his I (heart) Jewish Girls t-shirt that she made him last season; puts it on (-1)
— With Vinny, torments Danielle for a while before she decides to leave (-2)
Net gain/loss: +4 
Current total: 98

J-WOWW (110)
— Has to extract Snooki from her dogs’ area after she passes out in there (-2)
Net gain/loss: -2 
Current total: 108

VINNY (123)
— Scores the line of the night, in response to Ronnie and Sammi’s nine millionth fight of the season: “Hell has to be just like this.” Hey, that’s how we feel every Thursday at 10, too! (+3)
Net gain/loss: +3 
Current total: 126

CURRENT TOTALS:
Vinny: 126
J-Woww: 108
Pauly D: 98
The Situation: 89
Deena: 74
Ronnie: 55
Sammi: 46
Snooki: 14