Wonder Mom

Also, Slade grows his kingdom of enemies.

After Tamra Barney’s Mexican bachelorette fiesta, new housewife Lydia McLaughlin has been fully initiated into the lunacy of The Real Housewives of Orange County.

Instead of running for her life when she hit American soil, Lydia decided to plan a salsa party and invite all of her new “friends.” The women got dressed up in their best Latin-inspired dresses, their hair in side ponies, with giant flowers stuffed in.

Per usual, Gretchen Rossi and Slade were there for all of 20 minutes before Slade annoyed someone — this time, the party host. As Lydia chowed down on some chips and guacamole, he whispered to Gretchen that Lydia was so skinny she needed to eat a cheeseburger.

Lydia halfway heard him, and asked him directly what he said. Slade explained, saying it was a compliment. But Lydia was irritated A) because she apparently has body issues over being so tiny; and B) because he didn’t just say the joke to her face, he whispered it to Gretchen even though she was standing right there.

It truly is a landmark day when someone in the O.C. is sad about being too skinny, but we’re in her corner because having body issues sucks. And also, because Slade is a Class A douche.

They trio took a break from one another, but later Lydia called him out again, implying that he was a scumbag for always commenting on other women’s appearances. Exhibit A: When he included a bit about Vicki looking like Miss Piggy in a comedy routine last season — an event that may or may not have sparked Vicki’s recent massive plastic surgery overhaul.

Slade deflected any sort of personal responsibility for the things he said, and then Gretchen stepped in to defend her man, making for the second skirmish in two weeks between Lydia and Gretchen. We pretty much agreed with everything Lydia was saying, up until the point when she called Gretchen Malibu Barbie. And not in a nice way. Pot, meet kettle.

But that wasn’t the only dust up that went down. Vicki’s erstwhile boyfriend, Brooks, totally shocked her by showing up at the party. And her plastic surgery had worn off enough that we could actually see the element of surprise a tiny bit. Little did Vicki know that Terry Dubrow had called Brooks moments before and invited him.

Once Vicki got over the intrusion, she and Brooks seemed OK together, turning in highly embarrassing attempts at salsa dancing. A dance that is supposed to be sexy instead made me want to have a lobotomy to forget I ever witnessed it.

Meanwhile, ex-housewife, Lauri, whom Tamra brought to the party, revealed to others that Brooks had been dating her daughter’s friend, who happens to be a 20-something stripper and porn star. Gah-ross! What on earth would a stripper and porn star want with a creepy old fart like Brooks?

Anyhoo, there is sure to be trouble between the two, and if that means the last time I ever have to witness them dance, then I’m all for it.

Last, the rift between Gretchen and Tamra continued to grow when Gretchen realized that Tamra had not only made nice with Vicki, but also Alexis, too. When Gretchen learned that Tamra had invited all her cast mates to help her look for wedding dresses, Gretchen was incensed.

“The people who should be there are the ones who are your close friends,” Gretchen said, adding that if Alexis went, she would probably stay home. Little did Gretchen know that Heather Dubrow and Alexis also agreed to a truce earlier in the episode, which is slowly making her the odd (wo)man out.

Guess everything comes full circle — sadly for Gretchen, it may be a return to her Housewives roots, when nobody liked her. But at least she has a bunch of ugly handbags and gaudy jewelry to comfort her this time around.

#RHOC #TamraBarney #GretchenRossi

Let’s be frank: When someone throws a viewing party for the Emmys or the Oscars, the shindig never begins with the ceremony itself. It kicks off around the time the red carpet parade begins.

That’s because everyone knows that the fashion is just as much a part of these programs — heck, often the most interesting part — as the doling out of awards and the long, overbearing speeches that result.

So here, we’re discussing what we’re really looking forward to — and that’s watching the stars sashay down the red carpet during what always feels like the official start to the fall television season. (One person we wish we could add: Nominee Gwyneth Paltrow, who reportedly won’t be attending the ceremony. Boo!)

Here’s who we’ll be watching for… for better or for worse:

Julianna Margulies
Although an Emmy award for her role in The Good Wife has eluded Margulies, that hasn’t stopped her from coming away a winner on pretty much every red carpet she’s graced. Margulies, who is both a nominee and presenter this year, tends to favor black gowns adorned by a little something special or unexpected, and has done well using that fashion formula. But we absolutely love seeing her in red and saturated jewel tones, too. We’re crossing our fingers for something emerald green or purple this year, which would look stunning with her hair and coloring. But regardless, she’s our sure thing for the best-dressed lists.

Jane Lynch
Not only will Glee‘s Lynch make a most excellent Emmy host, what with her quick wit and dry sense of humor, we are also hopeful that she can shine on the red carpet. To be fair, we haven’t been a big fan of her previous red carpet choices, but we are hopeful that this huge place in the spotlight inspires her to wear something less prom/ballgownish and in favor of something 50-something-and fabulous. We want to see one of our faves rock it out on the red carpet. I mean, she’s the host. She’s gotta bring it… right?

January Jones
For us, Mad Men actress Jones has become one to watch because her desire to be edgy and different tends to be a polarizing force for the fashion police. She nearly always makes the fashion write-ups and broadcasts after award shows, but somehow manages to simultaneously make the worst AND best-dressed lists from the same event. Still, people always seem to be talking about her afterward, and isn’t that what every celebrity really wants anyway?

Mariska Hargitay
We can’t help it, we have a little girl-crush on Hargitay, best actress nominee for Law & Order: SVU. True, she’s had a whole lotta experience on the red carpet, so perhaps that accounts for why she’s turned in far more hits than misses over the years. But our favorite thing about her style — and the thing that makes her stand out from the rest — is that she manages to make looking glamorous seem effortless. She never seems to try too hard, yet almost always gets it right. If only everyone were so lucky…

Christina Hendricks
OK, fine, we’ll admit it: Hendricks — nominee for outstanding actress in a drama for her role as a long-suffering secretary-turned-office manager — has truly only had one red carpet stunner, and that was her look at the 2008 Emmys. We have been rooting for her ever since, only to be disappointed by her (washed out, or overpowering, or ill-fitting) choices since then. This year, we are giving her one more chance to live up to her character, Joan’s, fashion sense. If she fails, we’re gonna need a cigarette and a double bourbon on the rocks, stat.

Sofia Vergara
There’s no denying it: This Modern Family actress (and nominee for supporting actress in a comedy) could wear a dress made out of a cat’s hairballs and, as long as it was form-fitting, she’d still look smokin’ hot. But we know she’s got much better taste (and stylists) than that, so we’re counting down the days to seeing her va-va-voom down the carpet.

Lea Michele
With a consistent run of gorgeous and varied red carpet gowns, Glee star Michele has earned a spot as a red carpet darling. The best thing about Michele is that she’s so young and fresh, and unafraid to experiment with different styles. From full ball gowns to slinky, sexy numbers to eye-popping dresses that scream “Look at me!,” Michele is full of surprises and we love it. With great styling to match, Michele has got a million different looks — and we’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg.

The most recent installment from the Hot Drunken Mess files Jersey Shore is probably the most embarrassing yet if you consider these jackholes are representing America on foreign soil.

Most of Thursday’s episode revolved around a 24-hour road trip to Italy’s Riccione Beach, so the gang could feel more at home in their surroundings and behave as if they were at the Jersey shore. Of course, that meant that Snooki and Deena began drinking immediately upon arrival and made complete asses of themselves in public for the next 15 hours or so.

It began with a drunken shopping expedition and led to them exposing their lady parts while dancing at a restaurant in the middle of the day and culminated with a nauseating lesbian hook-up between the two.

At some point in the show, all the other roommates left the self-proclaimed “meatballs” on their own because their behavior was so ridiculous. And seriously, when the rest of the cast is embarrassed — in fact, we didn’t even realize they were capable of it — you know it’s got to be bad.

At the end of the episode, we were left with a cliffhanger: What would happen to Snooki after she got thrown in the back of a police car? Jail? Worse? Do we even care?

Ron-Ron juice, anyone?

Snooki (41)
— Before leaving for the trip, Snooks calls her boyfriend, they argue, and he says he’s not coming to Italy (-3)
— Snooki, in her infinite geographical wisdom, describes the Italian beach as being like Hawaiian. “It’s on the corner of a continent. So, like, it’s by an ocean.” What the hell is she talking about (-3)
— Her boss gives her and J-Woww a 15 minute break to go shopping for their beach excursion. After 25 minutes, the boss tracks them down in a store, just as Snooki tells the clerk: “Be nice with the price. We work hard (for our money).” (-3)
— Deena and Snooki have approximately ten million drinks during the daytime and embarrass themselves all over Riccione. Their jackassery includes Snooki falling into the bushes while dancing and rolling around on the dance floor with her legs sprawled out in the air (-5)
— They show up late for dinner and make everyone else wait for them (-2)
— At the bar, she and Deena are so drunk they take part in an extended make out session that stretches from the bar to the cab to the bedroom. This is hard to rank, but it could be one of the top five nastiest things we’ve had to witness on this show (-6)
—When they get back to Florence, she calls Jionni. Wearing a Hello Kitty baseball cap and HK ring, she proceeds to tell him what happened with Deena. So, not only is she gross, she defiled my favorite childhood character by wearing her during such a revolting revelation (-3)
— Jionni doesn’t get mad at her for cheating on him with Deena. Clearly he does not feel threatened by the blast in a glass (+2)
— At work, decides that hiding in a trash can in more appropriate behavior than doing any actual work (-3)
— Later, while driving, rear ends a police officer’s vehicle. She does not have her driver’s license with her, and they instantly give her a breathalyzer. Clearly, they’ve seen the show (-4)
— An ambulance arrives on the scene, and pulls a cop from the car on a stretcher. He’s wearing a neck brace (-5)
— Probably wishes she were being carted off in an ambulance, but instead is crammed into the back of a cop car (-6)
Net gain/loss: -35
Current score: 6

Deena (36)
— On the way to the beach, does the Jersey Turnpike in the front seat of the car as Snooki drives, setting the tone for the rest of the trip (-2)
— Gets smashed with Snooki during the middle of the day. They gravitate toward an eatery and bar playing house music and she dances so hard that one boob is out and her string bikini bottom drops to the floor from underneath her cover-up (-5)
— Later, she laughed about “dancing so hard my underwears came off.” This is probably also the last time she wore panties on this trip (-4)
— Later that night at the club, she is wearing a minidress sans underwear. She drops to her knees, squats and leans back in another classy signature dance move. It’s safe to say that her gyno and at least 300 random Italians have seen every nook and cranny of Deena (-9)
— She and Snooki engage in a major and gross make-out session. At one point, a bare-crotched Deena is straddling Snooki while at the bar. How is this stuff even allowed on TV? (-6)
— The next day, she has no recollection of her actions. Hey, who says blackouts are always a bad thing (+5)
Net gain/loss: -21
Current score: 15

J-Woww (110)
— J-Woww says, “I’m dying to wear my bikini.” Translation: I haven’t been able to show nearly enough of my rockin’ body since I’ve been in Italy (+3)
— Packs about 15 outfits for a 24-hour trip. “You can’t be a girl and know what you’re going to want to wear.” It’s stupid, but I do the same thing (+3)
— While out with the girls during the day in Riccione, Deena and Snooki get so completely sloshed and unruly that she and Sammi leave them behind (+2)
— At the bar, tries to help Snooki keep her undergarments from hanging out (+2), but realizes she has bigger fish to fry when …
— She notices that Deena A) is not wearing panties; and B) is showing her vagina to the entire bar while dancing. She tells her to chill out, or at least to stop squatting and bending over (+5)
— Later, the vision of Snooki and Deena making out is etched into her memory. So much for a relaxing beach trip (-4)
Net gain/loss: +11
Current score: 121

Sammi (65)
— After watching the meatballs get drunk all day, is not looking forward to going out with them that night. “This is gonna be a terrible time because I have to take care of my friend, who can barely sit up in the car.”  We see her point, but could it really be worse than any of the public club brawls between her and Ronnie? (-2)
— Is amazed at Snooki and Deena’s tonsil hockey match and observes, “I don’t even make out this long with Ron. I felt like I was watching porn for 20 hours.” (-2)
Net gain/loss: -4
Current score: 61

The Situation (35)
— Packs more than any of the girls for the short getaway (-3)
— In Riccione, sees a dude that looks EXACTLY like him. Guess he’s not as original as he thinks (-2)
— At work, performs numerous duties while the girls slack off. For a dude who slept through all his shifts in the back room of his last job, this is quite an improvement (+7)
Net gain/loss: +2
Current score: 37

Pauly D (125)
— Introduces another Jersey Shore catchphrase: “Swacked” is when you get your swagger jacked (+3)
— Pauly brings up the term because Ronnie swacked his morning routine of waking up the roommates (-2)
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: 126

Vinny (112)
— Is simply a grossed out observer for most of this episode. We obviously have more in common with Vinny than anyone else on this cast (-2)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current score: 110

Ronnie (72)
— Is annoyed that the group has about 10 suitcases for such a short trip (+3)
— Denies trying to jack Pauly’s swagger, but behind his back, the guys say he’s a serial swacker (-4), but the only way they could return the favor is by trying to date Sammi, roid raging out or crying in a corner, so they just let it go
Net gain/loss: -1
Current score: 71

SCORECARD:
Pauly D: 126
J-Woww: 121
Vinny: 110
Ronnie: 71
Sammi: 61
The Situation: 37
Deena: 15
Snooki: 6

Last weekend, we were aimlessly surfing the TV channel guide and discovered a show title so intriguing we had to check it out. And within five minutes of tuning into Whisker Wars –a reality series that follows bearded and mustachioed men across the country as the compete in facial hair competitions — we were hooked.

Oh sure, it sounds kinda, um, hairy. But it’s chock full of good stuff, and we got to learn more about a subculture that we didn’t even know existed during one half hour than we ever thought possible. Not to mention that it’s crazy to hear words come out of a guy’s face when you can’t even see his mouth moving. Or his mouth, for that matter.

Here are five reasons Whisker Wars is now part of our must-see TV list.

1. Bearding is a sport. According to the show open, “Bearding is a sport. A sport of growing, grooming and presenting one’s facial hair.” First, we love that avoiding shaving is not only considered an activity, but a competitive athletic endeavor. Because that’s basically what “sport” implies, right? For those who participate, it is Very Serious Business.

2. Facial hair is a gift from the heavens above. These men feel about their beards the same way many feel about their cars or landscaping skills. Says Jack Passion of his ginormous crimson beard: “It’s beautiful. It’s like gold pouring out of my face. … I’m a beardsman — the best there ever was.”

3. Romance and beard coaches. We’re not yet sure what, exactly, a beard coach does. But we do know that Whisker Warrior Myk O’Connor is marrying his. “As ridiculous as it sounds to propose to someone at a beard competition,” he said, “I just couldn’t think of any other way.” Be still my heart.

4. There are people skiing in that guy’s beard! At the various contests, there are several competition categories, which include full beard; full beard, styled mustache; partial beard; and our fave, freestyle beard. In the latter category, we saw a guy use hair products to mold his beard into a ski mountain, into which he affixed several tiny, plastic skier figurines. Then, he, himself also dressed as a skier to present his look to judges. It was Totally. Freakin’. Awesome. And he only took second place!

5. Who knew beardsmen were catty? Apparently, it is sacrilege to use one’s beard-growing knowledge for profit, since all the guys in the Austin Facial Hair Club resent Jack Passion for writing a book on growing a great bead. One AFC member even created a fake Twitter account to ridicule Passion and his exploitation of their precious sport. In fact, most of these dudes are adept at cracking open a can of haterade. After a man with a clearly inferior chin tuft placed in the full beard category, the others exclaimed with disgust, “That second place beard didn’t even belong on this stage.”

Whisker Wars airs at 11 p.m. Fridays on IFC.

Oh, MTV. You sure know how to woo a girl.

We were SO highly anticipating this special Sunday night episode of Jersey Shore, being that Ronnie supposedly beat the living crap out of The Situation, resulting in Sitch being carted off to the hospital in an ambulance. Or at least that’s what MTV and its clever editors would have you believe.

Now, we’re not for violence or anything, but two meatheads fighting seems like A) something that those muscly types like to do; and B) makes for good television.

But last night, we learned the real deal: That Mike, in a fit of rage and showboating, crushed HIS OWN head into a concrete wall, which led to a mild concussion and neck sprain. Now, Ronnie did toss him around a little after that, but Mike is the one who created his own medical situation. Seriously, there is no end to the idiocy that goes on in this house.

However, as moronic as Mike’s headbutt was it seemed like a pretty viable option once we realized the rest of the episode would revolve around Ronnie and Sammi’s joke of a relationship. But somehow, we muddled our way through it all without bashing our own heads in, or chugging a bottle of wine to relieve the pain.

In other minor events, Pauly D exchanged words in the club with an Italian instigator, and The Situation’s injuries were to prevent him from going out for a week…. which is like 10 weeks in Mike-Not Getting-Laid time.

Enjoy the fireworks, friends:

THE SITUATION  (68)
— Headbutts the wall, because, well, he’s a dumbass (-5)
— After that, he gets up and that’s when Ronnie slams him into the floor and the production crew has to break up the brawl (-3)
— He goes off in the ambulance and long story short, he’s the one who caused his own injuries: A mild concussion and a neck sprain, which requires him to wear a neck brace (-10)
— Doctors tell him to lay low for a week, but everyone else goes about their business and he’s alone a lot. He feels lonely and actually cries a little (-3)
— He wears his sunglasses to try to disguise it (-1)
— Later admits to Ronnie that he was psyching himself out by headbutting the wall because he was afraid to thrown down with a big, meaty chunk like Ron (-7)
Net gain/loss: -29
Current total: 39

RONNIE (83)
— After producers bust up their fist fight, Ronnie says, “I’ve been waiting for a long time to f*** you up.” It’s hard to take seriously, though, when Ronnie gets aggro a million times every season (-3)
— Ronnie is trying to cool off, but Sammi is yapping in his face like a little dog, which is just agitating him more (-4)
— With veins popping out of every skin surface, he tells her to “get out of his face.” She does not (-2)
— Jenni eventually gets rid of Sammi and Ronnie opens up to her about his long-running animosity with The Situation (+3)
— He cries. Oh, steroids. Such a finicky friend you are (-3)
— Goes to talk to Sammi. Tells her their relationships is toxic (+4) and that he’s been calling another girl since they’ve been in Italy (-2)
— Sammi grills him, then runs underneath her covers to cry, then tells him she never wants to see him again. To us, this is a big PLUS (+5)
— Ronnie wants some alone time, so he packs his bags to go home. The are filled with workout gear, high-tops and wife-beaters (-2)
— Puts Mike’s bed back together because he feels like a jerk (+2)
— Ronnie says he needs to collect his thoughts. He has thoughts? (+2)
— Oh, nevermind. He collects his “thoughts” in the form of weightlifting. What a shock (-1)
— After some time to himself, he goes to the club with Vinny and Pauly, and a girl wants to go home with him (+3)
— He turns her down, gets some roses for Sammi and goes home. Dudes. Come ON (-3)
— He gives them to her, and she acts like … herself. Ron kicks himself in the crotch and goes to bed (-4)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 74

SAMMI (79)
— Ronnie is still raging mad, but everything is all about Sammi, so she has to go harangue him a little more (-3)
— Jenni is trying to talk Ronnie down, and Sammi gets upset that it’s not her (-2)
— Goes to bed to cry, natch (-1)
— Ronnie tells her that he’s been calling Hannah from Italy, and she says she’s done with him. We’d give her more points, but we’ve heard this approximately 21,092 times before (+3)
— Takes all the presents that Ron got her and puts them on his bed out of spite (-2)
— Apologizes to The Sitch for causing the ruckus, but he doesn’t care and barely grunts out an acknowledgment of her presence (-3)
— When Ronnie tries to throw everything she left on his bed into the trash, she wants it all back. Are we being punked right now? This is ridic (-2)
— He brings her home roses and she reacts as expected: “Did you bring home another girl? Why are you being mean to me?” (-5)
Net gain/loss: -15
Current total: 64


PAULY D (105)
— Goes to the hospital with Mike to make sure he’s OK (+2)
— Sums up what we’re all thinking: “What comes to mind when I think of Ron and Sam is me throwing up.” (+5)
— His sympathy for Mike runs out when he gets home and sees his get-up. “You don’t wear sunglasses with a neck brace. He looks ridiculous.” (+3)
—At the bar, Pauly is drunk when some guy starts messing with him. Pauly has no idea what he’s saying, but he tries to start a fight (-2)
— Vinny is able to get through to him through the hair helmet, and he backs off (+1)
Net gain/loss: +9
Current total: 114


VINNY (100)
— Tells Ronnie that his anger management is a problem when he drinks. Master of the obvious, but he’s the only one with the cajones to say it (+3)
— Gives Ron some other words of counsel (+1), but is so fed up that he can’t deal when a florist calls the house, so he hangs up on her (-2)
— He claims that after the Ronnie-Mike brouhaha, the house was starting to get back to normal. Or at least their version of normal. “If it wasn’t f***ed up, it wouldn’t be our house.” True dat (+2)
Net gain/loss: +4
Current total: 104

J-WOWW (105)
— Ronnie is still all amped up, so Jenni runs interference between him and Sammi and finally gets her to step off before he whoops up on someone else (+3)
— Calls ambulance to have The Sitch checked out after his wall and Ron ordeal (+2)
— Comforts Ronnie when he cries over Sammi (+1)
Net gain/loss: +6
Current total: 111

SNOOKI (60)
— Even though she’s angry at The Situation, she encourages him to go to the hospital to get checked out (+2)
— Receives flowers from her boyfriend, then calls him for some dirty talk. He’s too embarrassed to do it — at least while he’s being taped (-2)
— Tells Mike she’s glad he’s OK and they make nice (+2)
Net gain/loss: +2
Current total: 62

DEENA (50)
— Barely makes an appearance this week (+0)
Net gain/loss: +0
Current total: 50

SCORECARD:
Pauly D: 116
Jenni: 111
Vinny: 104
Ronnie: 74
Sammi: 64
Snooki: 62
Deena: 50
The Situation: 39

It’s been a rough week for Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, both in real time and reality land.

Earlier this week, the ab-eriffic Jersey Shore star was dissed by Abercrombie & Fitch, which asked the GTL aficionado to stop wearing its clothes and embarrassing the brand. Then, in last night’s ep of Jersey Shore, the Situation A) got his confidence betrayed by Ronnie; B) got into a wicked screaming match with Snooki; and C) saw his potential threesome go down in flames after Deena stole one of the women out from under him.

Which leads us to other haps on the show: Deena enjoyed a lesbionic (their word, not ours) romp in addition to making out with an Italian waiter. Snooki worried that her relationship with her boyfriend would suffer as a result of Mike’s confession. Also, Ronnie and Sammi rekindled their love-hate relationship, making everyone on Earth want to wretch. Last but not least, Vinny got some action, and the details of that are preeeeetty juicy.

Saddle up! Here’s the countdown:

THE SITUATION (98)
— Finds out that his DTF girl, Brittany, has a twin who wants to join in on the, uh, carnal festivities (+3)
— Meets the sisters out at a bar, tells them they’re definitely going home with him and to meet up with him later (+1)
— Finds another girl to smush instead (+2), but she ditches him once they’re outside and he goes home empty-handed (-4)
— At home later, he asks Snooki to get off the phone with her dad so that he can call booty call Brittany and her sister. He gets voice mail (-3)
— Next morning, the twins show up in his bedroom, thanks to a prank by Ronnie. Situation erupts with nervous laughter, then decides to take them out to breakfast and lay the groundwork for his manage a trois (+2)
— At brekkie, finds out twin No. 2 is a virgin. At first, we weren’t sure that word was even in his vocabulary base, but he seems to comprehend and amends his plan of attack (-5)
— The twins track down Mike at a club later that night, in a move that the rest of the group deems stalker-ish. However, he decides tonight’s the night to make a go of things… and the sisters seem drunk enough agreeable  (+3)
— Something goes horribly wrong. The virgin twin is making out with Deena on the dance floor. The girl opts for the Blast in a Glass instead of being a piece of shared ass (-7)
— At home, Sitch tells Brittany to lay down in his bed and leaves her there for an extended time. He goes and complains to Snooki that Deena is selfish for stealing his other twin. The man who has committed multiple woman robberies from his roommates does see any irony in this situation (-4)
— All hell breaks loose when Ronnie spills Mike’s secret about recently sleeping with Snooki. Snooks starts yelling at him; she denies any sexual escapades occurred. The screaming match continues (-5)
— He promises he’s telling the truth, saying “If a girl rejects me, I admit it.” Um, yeah, except for last week, when Deena denied him cuddle time that he wouldn’t admit to seeking in the first place (-3)
— Brittany finally comes out of the bedroom looking for Mike, who forgot she was even there. Sitch forgetting about a promising roll in the hay? This might be a Jersey Shore first (-2)
— Despite the night’s ugly turn of events, Sitch still manages to get laid. This man always comes out on top… or on the bottom, as it were (+4)
Net gain/loss: -18
Current total: 80

SNOOKI (90)
— Goes out to eat with Ron before their workout and orders a Pinot Grigio (-3)
— “Wine in Italy for me is legit, like coffee is for normal people.” (-2)
— Thinks Ronnie and Sammi are meant for each other. This may be the best argument yet against Snooki drinking  (-2)
— Goes to gym, where the aging trainer gets a little too close to her. She tells him, “I can feel your wiener.” We throw up a little bit (-3)
— When Sammi makes a toast to “Firenze,” Snooki wonders if that means Florence. You think that’s one thing she would have picked up by now (-1)
— Tries to help Sitch set up a threesome with the twins. It’s a good friend thing to do, we guess (+3), but we are so grossed out by everyone, it’s hard to truly appreciate it.
— At home, tells Mike she doesn’t feel like “conversating” with Brittany (-2)
— When she discovers Sitch said he supposedly bedded her, Snooki is livid. However, she doesn’t really deny it happened to his face, only to the others. Instead, to Mike, she says things like, “You’re a psycho!,” “You know I love Jionni, so why would you even say that?,” and “Why are you doing this?” Hmmm… this isn’t looking good for her (-8)
— Ronnie advises her to talk to Jionni about the alleged situation upfront, instead of letting him find out the hard way because it will be more damaging to the relationship. But honestly, is there any possibility of a good outcome here? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -22
Current total: 68

DEENA (62)
— Goes to lunch, gets phone number from Italian waiter, whom she calls her “Lean Cuisine” (+2)
— She’s excited because “he actually speaks well English.” If only we could say the same for you, or anyone else on this show (-4)
— Waiter meets her out at the club. After making out with him and “Jersey Turnpiking” him all night, she tells him she’s not easy. Then she brings him home (-2)
— She says she only wants to cuddle for the night, but then Vinny and Pauly get all bent out of shape about it happening in their shared room. Waiter now wants to leave (-3)
— She convinces him to stay, but when everyone falls asleep, he bolts. Bad for Deena, but he probably just saved himself a future visit to the clinic (-2)
— Next night at the bar, Deena steals one third of Mike’s threesome (+2)
— Gets the girl to come home with her. Of course, her roomies Vinny and Pauly have no problem with this potential cuddle session (+2)
— She leaves the bedroom for a minute, during which time her girl goes over to Vinny’s bed and starts up some foreplay with him. Are people really this disgusting all the time, or am I just getting old? (-4)
— Deena returns and seems weirded out, but somehow lures the drunk, half-naked blonde back into her bed (+3)
— In the end, gets cold feet about her “lesbionic experience” and sends the girl back to Vinny’s side of the room. Can we remind you that this is the allegedly virgin twin??? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -10
Current total: 52

RONNIE (112)
— Pretends to be Mike on the phone and invites the stalker twins over to the house as a prank. Then he leaves the house with Pauly D (+3)
— Returns home, sees the sisters sitting there and starts giggling and hyperventilating like a little kid who just heard a fart. Geez, at least try to play it cool for five minutes, dude (-2)
— Sammi wants to talk, so Ronnie takes her to dinner at a nice rooftop restaurant (+3)
— Ronnie should prepare to have his nether regions kicked ten thousand times by his friends at home, because he gets back together with her (-8)
— Betrays Mike’s confidence when he tells J-Woww and Sammi that Sitch supposedly bedded Snooki when she had a boyfriend. Dang, that was a mouthful, wasn’t it? (-3)
— Sitch gets pissed, and Ronnie (who has had many confidences betrayed by Mike) says, two wrongs don’t make a right, but it damn sure makes it even “You know it was gonna come out anyway” (+3)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 109

SAMMI (92)
— Tries to drunk-seduce Ronnie at the bar again. So much for her claims of being independent and better off without Ronnie during the season premiere (-3)
—- Blah, blah, blah, they’re back together again (-2)
— Expect Sammi to start sulking in bed again any day now (-3)
— Sammi uses the word “romantical,” which is gross in both a grammatical way and the way she intended it to be used. She and Ronnie are anything but… (-4)
Net gain/loss: -12
Current total: 80

VINNY (100)
— Gets mad at Deena for cuddling her waiter dude in her room instead of using the smush room (-2)
— Next night, is laying in bed chillin’, when Deena’s female conquest comes to his bed and randomly starts making out with him (+3)
— Deena returns to the room and gets the half-naked girl to dismount Vinny and return to her. Instead of musical chairs, it’s musical VD! (-7)
— When Deena decides not to follow through with the full lesbian encounter, she sends the blonde back to Vinny’s bed and undisclosed sexual events occur (+8)
Net gain/loss: +3
Current total:103

J-WOWW (93)
— After Ronnie tells Jenni about Mike and Snooki’s alleged smush sesh, J-Woww immediately tells Snooki what he’s been saying. She’s a true-blue girlfriend, we’ll give her that (+4)
— However, she does exaggerate and say Sitch has been telling everyone, when really, he only confided in Ronnie (-1)
— Gives Snooki a pep talk after the blowout (+2)
Net gain/loss: +5
Current total: 98

PAULY D (108)
— Was the first of the group to meet Brittany’s twin. If he would have invested about 30 additional seconds into his greeting, it could have been him getting action instead of Vinny and Deena. She didn’t really seem too picky (-2)
— Then again, would you really want a chick who went from considering a threesome with Mike and her sister, to bed-hopping between Deena and Vinny? Me thinks Pauly dodged a bullet there (+3)
Net gain/loss: +1
Current total: 109

SCORECARD:
Pauly D: 109
Ronnie: 109
Vinny: 103
J-Woww: 98
Situation: 80
Sammi: 80
Snooki: 68
Deena: 52

With a toddler, you react first and think about it later.

“Nicholas, please don’t put the dog’s balls in your mouth.”

I was talking tennis balls, but still.

We know what you’re thinking: “I just don’t see enough of those Real Housewives. Two cities airing at once, all year ’round? Well, that barely whets my whistle.”

Have we got news for you! Bravo is launching “The Real Housewives Live Tour,” which, so far, is slated for stops in three cities: Atlantic City, New Jersey; Hammond, Indiana; and Atlanta. Each installation will feature four Housewives from different cities talking about their experiences on the show.

Um, can’t everyone see that FOR FREE on the reunion shows, Twitter and Facebook?

“Bravo viewers like to truly engage in the shows they are passionate about,” said Ellen Stone, Bravo’s senior vice president of marketing in a press release. “With ‘The Real Housewives Live Tour,’ we are able to give our fans a unique, hands-on experience with their favorite cast members across franchises that they can’t experience anywhere else.”

Those willing to fork over $50 to $170,  can listen to the likes of Atlanta hothead NeNe Leakes; Orange County workaholic and woo-hooer, Vicki Gunvalson; New Jersey matriarch and “the normal one” Caroline Manzo; or score some class lessons from New York Countess and music-butcherer LuAnn de Lesseps.

The tour hits Atlantic City on Oct. 1; Hammond on Oct. 8; and Atlanta on Oct. 15.

No word on whether SkinnyGirl margaritas or Ramona Pinot Grigio will be on hand.

In the second episode of Jersey Shore, the American idiots learned that they’d be working in Italy making pizzas. Sure, the crew can hook up a mean Sunday dinner at home, but we’re guessing anyone who’s seen this show probably before wouldn’t want them handling their food.

I sure hope they shower more often than they did before going to work at the Shore Store last season.

Anyhow, most of their action happened in clubs and during the wee hours of the morning… The Situation got his first action in Italy with an American girl, who clearly didn’t mind being a notch on a very worn out bedpost. Deena tried to seduce Pauly D several times, while Sammi tried to lure Ronnie back into the sack.

When Mike wasn’t mounting strangers, he awkwardly tried to snuggle with Deena and be all lovey-like with Snookums. Yuck.

Meanwhile, the kids also learned more about Italy. For instance, the big church — “I think starts with a ‘V,’” says Snooki — is called the Vatican. It’s so nice to see them stretch their brains a little. By the time they leave Italy, they might even be able to spell their own names.

We’ll take a pepperoni pie, please, minus the acrylic fingernail and weave remnants:

DEENA (84)
— Is totally wasted and stumbles into house, falls down (-2)
— Tumbles down the stairs and bashes into counter and is slurring her words (-3)
— Tries to wake Pauly up to smush, but he pretends to be asleep. Can’t really blame him (-3)
— Next day, says something like, “I’m so proud of myself for not falling down last night.” (-2)
— Is supposed to cook Sunday dinner, but goes out to eat with Sammi and Jenni (-1)
— Another night, another series of drunken faceplants (-4)
— “I wanted to hook up with that guy. (Points to cop) Is that him?” (-2)
— Sitch tries to cuddle with her, she blows him off. At least she has that much sense (+3)
— She tells the group about it, and then Pauly tells Mike that she told everyone (-4)
— She’s obviously mad at her DJ crush, but Pauly apologizes to her and gives her a bracelet (+3)
— She thanks him with a hug. His reciprocated hug is definitely in the friend zone (-3)
— Viewers get to see one more spill from Deena before the show ends. This time she splats flat on her back, like a turtle, in the bar, undies exposed (-4)
Net gain/loss: -22
Current total: 62

SNOOKI (99)
— After night at the bar, sleeps all day (-1) but wakes up in time for Sunday dinner. Atta girl! (+3)
— Calls boyfriend, who is pissed off because he hadn’t heard from her for a day (-2)
— Seems perplexed that her boyfriend may not trust her, but we suspect he’s seen the first three seasons of this show, soooo what does she expect? (-3)
— The Sitch is there to pick up the pieces and get all touchy feely with her (-4)
— At orientation for the new job, she says, “I don’t speak Italian. How am I supposed to know how to cook a pizza?”  (-4)
— When Mike brings home an American skank, Snooki is unimpressed with her appearance and tells him he could do better. Doesn’t this kind of observation kind of go without saying by now? (-1)
— Directly after Mike gets his action, he tells Snooki he has feelings for her. She blows him off (+5)
— At one point Snooki declares, “I love Rome! I mean, Italy!” (-2)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 90

PAULY D (104)
— Enjoyed his kiss with Deena and tells Snooki he’s willing to smush her. But he’s also hesitant because he doesn’t want her to catch feelings and get upset when he screws other chicks. A playboy with a heart (+3)
— Wakes everyone up with grenade horn (again), and nobody immediately responds (-1)
— Goes shopping to get groceries for Sunday dinner with the others (+3)
— At orientation, owner tells Pauly D to take off his sunglasses inside. Finally! (-2)
— Wants to have the job where he tosses the pizza dough because as a DJ, so he is obviously good at spinning things (+3)
— Tells Mike Deena was clowning him and she gets mad (-2)
Net gain/loss: +4
Current total: 108

THE SITUATION (99)
— Within seconds of walking into bar, a blonde chick approaches him and basically offers herself up to him (+3)
— He thinks she’s so-so looking, but she speaks English so that’s all that matters (+2)
— Not that he’s interested in talking to her (-1)
— Gets a variety of bedroom services from her, then immediately calls a cab for her to go home (-2)
— While he is still covered in ho juices, he professes his romantic feelings to Snooki. Just when you think he can’t get any more disgusting (-4)
— Next night at club, he doesn’t score so he calls up blondie for round 2. This time, he asks her to sleep over (+1)
Net gain/loss: -1
Current total: 98

J-WOWW (97)
—  Struggles to make a cup of coffee. Grinds up coffee beans using a kitchen utensil with which I am unfamiliar. Creative … (+2)
— … but also a pain in the ass for just one cup of coffee. “Making coffee in Italy is like making coffee in the 1600s” (-3)
— Ronnie tells her he’s flying his side piece, Hannah, out to Italy in a few weeks. That puts her in the middle, and will likely come back to haunt her when Sammi finds out (-3)
Net gain/loss: -4
Current total: 93

SAMMI (105)
— Oh God, she’s already crying (-3)
— Babysits Deena and walks her home when she’s being an idiot (+2)
— Sammi: “What are these weird strawberries?” Deena: “They’re raspberries.” (-3)
— Another night, Sammi gets plastered in the nightclub and tries to talk to Ron. She chases him around, trying to talk to her even though he’s not interested in what will likely turn into a drunken brawl (-3)
— At home afterward, they are eating middle of the night, alcohol-absorbing snacks together. She leans over and goes, “I miss you. … I love you.” I swear I’m going to stop watching this show if they get together again (-6)
Net gain/loss: -13
Current total: 92

RONNIE (106)
— After a bar night, goes home and calls his “friend,” Hannah, and wants her to come visit him in Italy. As long as it’s not Sammi, we’re down (+3)
— At the pizza job orientation, Snooki is chosen to demonstrate and does a decent job. Ronnie says what we’re all thinking “If Snooki can do it, we ALL can do it. You know what I mean?” (+2)
— Gets embarrassingly s***faced at the bar and it’s painful to watch. Also, do you realize how much alcohol this monster has to consume to get tore up like that? (-4)
— In the bathroom, he tells the others, “I am the pimp daddy mack of this whole place.” He’s got a piece of wet toilet paper stuck to his eyebrow (-4)
— Is bragging to the guys that he had sex with three girls in four days before he left home (+1)
— Walking home with J-Woww, he falls flat down on the sidewalk (-3), but pops right back up like a jack in the box (+1)
— When Sammi tries to entice him into a drunken cuddle session (or more), he turns her down (+10)
Net gain/loss: +6
Current total: 112

VINNY (101)
— Lays low most of episode, but does get in a very small jacuzzi with Ronnie (-1)
Net gain/loss: -1
Current total: 100


CURRENT TOTALS:
Ronnie: 112
Pauly D: 108
Vinny: 100
Situation: 98
J-Woww: 93
Sammi: 92
Snooki: 90
Deena: 62

On the plus side, America got rid of the Jersey Shore gang for a while when MTV sent them to film to Italy.

In turn, most of Italy probably thinks we’re all a bunch of drunken cretins who bury ourselves in bronzer and hair gel now. Ah well, them’s the breaks when a hit TV show needs some fresh stomping grounds.

When the much ballyhooed Italy season premiered last night, the guys and girls were in a race across the pond, knowing that the first arrivals would secure the prime room choices. The boys won, snagging the rooms they wanted (Mike and Ronnie in one, Vinny and Pauly in another, which Deena would end up sharing with them as well).

From there,the hunt for food, gyms, nightclubs and new genital diseases began.

So, let’s get this character countdown cracking, shall we? Each cast member starts the season with 100 points. They lose or earn points based on things they do, or things that happen to them. At the end of the season, we crown a winner the least offensive of the bunch.

SNOOKI (100)
— Has a serious boyfriend now, who is helping her pack her undies for Italy (+1)
— “I have no idea where Italy is on a map, but I do know what shape it is and it looks like a boot.” Yes, folks, this brainiac is not only a published author, but she probably has more money than you, too (-3)
— Has packed eight suitcases, likely filled with furry footwear, too-small dresses and 40 percent of the leopard print clothing in existence (+2)
— While trying to transport her massive load through airport, we get another Snooki grammar lesson: “We can’t luggage all this sh!t.” Somewhere, Snooki’s high school teachers are considering a career change (-2)
— Wants to get her money converted to pesos (-1)
— Is sweaty from lugging all her stuff and reports: “I smell like King Kong’s a**hole.” (-3)
— Arguably the worst driver in the house anyway, is the only girl who can drive a stick shift, which means she’ll be doing much of the driving. (-5)
— Luckily, most of the cast uses enough hair products to protect their noggins in the event of an accident (+3)
— The girls get lost en route to breakfast and the gym, so Snooki works out at home. She’s growing up so fast! It seems like just last season that she woke up and started drinking instead. Oh, wait… (+4)
— At the club, the Situation is flirting with her and she tells him to step off, which may be the first time ever than she’s turned down a potential bedmate (+3)
Net gain/loss: -1
Current total: 99

DEENA (100)
— As she says she’s not going to have sex right when she gets to Italy, she bends over in cutoff shorts and performs her Jersey Turnpike dance move for the guy taking her passport photos. Such a nice, wholesome girl (-3)
— In the airport, trips and falls down on her face (-2)
— After Vinny gives her a hello hug, he remarks that she smells like spray tan (-3), but we guess it’s better than King Kong’s poop chute
— Her goals for Italy: “I want to do the Jersey Turnpike all over the place.” Sorry, Italy. Don’t hold it against the rest of us, please (-4)
— Wears a bra that makes her boobs the size of those personal watermelons you can get at the grocery store for $3.99 (+2)
— Wants to smush Pauly D and gets him to kiss her in the club. We wish we could say it was a sexy event, but we considered using a staple gun to seal our eyes shut afterward (-6)
Net gain/loss: -16
Current total: 84

VINNY (100)
— Has grown a “beard,” but we’ve seen pubescent boys that can grow better facial hair (-1)
— Has the fellas over for a ginormous Italian feast with his family before they head overseas (+4)
— Is the only one who seems excited about the history of Italy, instead of seeing it as a new place to get laid (+3)
— OK, he sees it as that, too (-1) but at least he doesn’t have a one-track mind
— He defines a bidet for the masses: “It’s a way of cleaning your butthole after going to the bathroom. It feels kinda good, too, on a lonely night.” He’s as eloquent as Merriam-Webster, isn’t he? (-2)
— Is the only one who speaks a lick of Italian (+5), but this means he is in charge of calling for cabs and translating all the other guys’ corny pick up lines to the ladies. That won’t leave lot of time for seeking out his own carnal pleasures (-7)
Net gain/loss: +1
Current total: 101

PAULY D (100)
— Is shrewd enough to pack an international plug in order to use his hair dryer (+4)
— Italian outlets can’t handle the power of his blow dryer, which gets fried (-3)
— Luckily, he finds a back-up. Between the cast, this house is like his own personal beauty supply store (+2)
— First morning in the house, wakes up everyone with a horn, so they can begin enjoying Italy (+1)
— Is the only dude that can drive a manual transmission (+3)
— Succumbs to Deena’s watermelon bra and has a repulsive make-out sesh with her in the club (-3)
Net gain/loss: +4
Current total: 104

SITUATION (100)
— Looks forward to meeting European women who are “more free-spirited.” And by free-spirited, he means “they do not know or care what STDs may be lurking in my skinny jeans” (+2)
— Finds out Snooki has lost some weight, so now he’s willing to grace her with his manhood (-2)
— Brings more suitcases than any of the ladies… but you know at least two of them are filled with spare sweatpants and t-shirts for his conquests to wear when they get to the house (+3)
— Tells Ronnie that he and Snooki hooked up when she had the boyfriend, and says he’s starting to like her a little bit. We all know the feelings part is complete crap, that he’s just interested in the challenge of bedding her now (-4)
Net gain/loss: -1
Current total: 99

J-WOWW (100)
— Assumes that remaining faithful to Roger will be easy in Italy. “I will be shocked as all hell if I see I gorilla in Italy…. I don’t even think it makes 6’4 juiceheads with tattoos out there, so I don’t think he has anything to worry about.” (+3)
— Some of her bronzer explodes in the suitcase. Instead of being concerned about what items might now be stained, she says “I am down to eight cans of bronzer and in my world, that will last me about 10 days.” (-2)
— When none of the girls can find usable outlets for their hair tools, Jenni locates the best one… which is in the kitchen. Let the disgusting and unsanitary conditions of the house commence! (-4)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 97

RONNIE (100)
— His alter-ego, “Single Ronnie” is back in action. Italy will be a “fresh start. No more being a bitch.” Anything is better than crying, ‘roid-rage Ronnie (+4)
— Friends at home tell him they will kick him in the nuts if he gets back with Sammi. Add us to that list, please (+1)
— After they arrive in the house, he struts around shirtless because that’s what meatheads do (+1)
Net gain/loss: +6
Current total: 106

SAMMI (100)
— Sammi and Ron have been broken up, and her new motto is “Not to sit home crying and laying in my bed soaking in my sorrows.” I guess that means we’ll actually have an extra person to write up in these stories each week (+3)
— Spent the entire episode upright, dressed and without mascara tears. Holla! (+2)
Net gain/loss: +5
Current total: 105

CURRENT TOTALS:
Ronnie: 106
Sammi: 105
Pauly D: 104
Vinny: 101
Snooki: 99
Situation: 99
J-Woww: 97
Deena: 84

For many couples, there’s one straw that breaks the camel’s back before a relationship ends.

But for Jersey Shore’s Ronnie and Sammi, the camel’s back has not only been broken, but backed over 1,000 with a dump truck — and frankly, it’s exhausting to watch. In Thursday’s ep, the duo fought some more, broke up again, and made people on Divorce Court seem like matches made in heaven. Same ol’, same ol’.

But the nice folks at MTV did make room for some other storylines, such as: Snooki’s dream guy turning nightmare; Deena getting some action; Pauly rematching with his stalker from last year; and the Situation’s fornication meeting hesitation when Ronnie spoiled the mood.

It’s a swell summah at the show-ah!:

RONNIE (81)
— Goes out to bar and gets wasted, and puts his exemplary English skills to work: “I’ve dranken a lot more than I drank tonight.” Ronnie, is your last name Merriam-Webster? (-3)
— Walks in the house holding his crotch; faceplants on the bean bag in living room (-1)
— Goes up to his room, vomits in a plastic bag alongside the bed (-4)
— Wakes up and is having rectal bleeding (-5)
— Goes to doctor, where he gets finger probed on television. Just when you think your hangover can’t get any worse… (-4)
— Apparently, Ronnie messed up his ass by drinking too much, but Jersey Shore isn’t a show for learning useful medical facts, so we never really understand how or why it happened (-4)
— Wants some personal space away from Sammi — and in his defense, she is always up in his grill (+2)
— They fight a bunch more, yada yada yada, they break up again (-3)
— Says he wants to be left alone, but Sammi follows him around the house, trying to get him to talk to her. Looks like his personal space is being violated more than once this episode! (-4)
Net gain/loss: -26
Current total: 55

SAMMI (61)
— At bar, Ronnie starts to drink a lot and Sammi starts to get annoyed. Here we go again! (-2)
— Oh wait. She’s going to be nice to him? At home, she fixes him a snack to try and soak up the alcohol (+3)
— Unfortunately, he doesn’t eat and expels his stomach contents into a plastic bag next to the bed (-2)
— Sammi “doesn’t do throw-up,” so she’s repulsed when gets puke on her hand (-4)
— Laughs at Ron after he gets his rectum probed. Injury, meet insult (-3)
— Sitch makes a good point: Sammi spends hours straightening her hair and it’s already straight (-2)
— Right before going out, starts fighting with Ronnie. Instead of going out anyway, she decides to stay home. Hopefully, she’s staying home to laminate her “poor me” card, because that thing sure is getting tattered around the edges from so much use (-2)
— Wakes up Ronnie and tries to lure him into her bed with the promise of clean sheets. No comment (-3)
— Ronnie needs some personal space, but Sammi keeps following him around the house (-1)
— She decides to move her stuff out of his room, but then the show ended so we were left hanging. Somehow, I bet they end up staying put and making each other miserable again next week (+0)
Net gain/loss: -16
Current total: 46

SNOOKI (35)
— Comes home drunk from the bar and passes out in the dog pen with Jenni’s dogs (-2)
— In car, shares that she once spent an entire day masturbating and couldn’t move the next day because her muscles were all sore. Gosh, now I wish I had Ronnie’s plastic barf bag handy (-4)
— At drug store, rides a kiddie tricycle around the aisles, breaks it, returns it to corner of the store. A few weeks later, Johnny’s birthday party suddenly becomes a lot less fun (-3)
— Brings home a gorilla from the bar and wants to have sex with him, but she gets her period. Perhaps this should be called “Too Much Information About Snooki’s Vagina” episode (-2)
— Has fun joking around with Gorilla Jeff the next morning, and asks him to go to the boardwalk and ride rides with her (+3)
— Science with Snooki: She says the reason the ocean is salty is because it’s filled with whale sperm (-5)
— Jeff tells her he’s been engaged before, which annoys her because she wants someone “fresh.” She tells him not to call her (-1)
— He calls her; she hangs up on him (-2)
— He calls back again a couple of times and Pauly plays him out on the phone (+4)
— Goes to sex store with the girls and is the only one to wear her Hustler costume home. I mean, she did put her bare ass in a fridge a few weeks ago, so I guess this shouldn’t surprise me (-3)
— She and the girls are two hours late to work, then has the nerve to get mad when her boss is annoyed (-3)
— Gets angry again when her boss asks her to work instead of b.s.ing with J-Woww all day. Good thing she makes money from living her life on TV, because we can’t even imagine her being gainfully employed (-3)
Net gain/loss: -21
Current total: 14

DEENA (84)
— On car ride to the pharmacy, brings up masturbating to Jenni and Snooki. This might be racy on any other show, but here, it’s the tamest part of the episode (+1)
— You know how Pig Pen in the Peanuts is always surrounded by a cloud of dirt? Well, that’s how Deena is, except it’s a cloud of hair spray (-3)
— Ronnie’s meaty friends come to visit, and she wants to smoosh one of them (+2)
— When friend agrees to come home with her, she rushes everyone out of the bar and back home before he changes his mind (-3)
— Said she wasn’t going to have sex with him because “you need a golden ticket to get into these draw-ahs.” (+2)
— A golden ticket falls from the sky; sex is had. Oopsie (-2)
— Goes out to bar alone with the guys again, and spend the night in a Jersey Turnpike position. (Definition: Bending over and grinding your ass into someone’s crotch while dancing.) Klassy. (-4)
— Deena: “Face down, ass up — that’s the way I like to have a good time.” Dear Deena’s Mom: I hope you’re having an extra-strong drink tonight (-3)
Net gain/loss: -10
Current total: 74 

THE SITUATION (95)
— Brings a girl home from bar, and gives her a purple t-shirt to wear that says Situation. Um…. so does he give these away as souvenirs now? “I got myself into a Situation and all I got was this lousy t-shirt (and herpes).” (-3)
— Is snuggling in his bed with her, then Ronnie starts barfing in the next bed over. Despite his womanizing ways, we do feel really, really sorry for Sitch for getting stuck in this room (-3)
Net gain/loss: -6
Current total: 89

PAULY D (94)
— Pretends to be an answering machine when Snooki’s boy-toy keeps calling, and his ad-libbing is hilarious and top-notch (+6)
— Snooki thinks Pauly is so beautiful she wants him to father her babies someday so that they’ll be pretty. Can you IMAGINE the hair on Snooki-Pauly offspring? (+3)
— Says he doesn’t hold grudges, so invites Danielle (his stalker from last season) over to the house. Yes, the same Danielle that poured a drink on his head a few weeks back (-2)
— Digs out his I (heart) Jewish Girls t-shirt that she made him last season; puts it on (-1)
— With Vinny, torments Danielle for a while before she decides to leave (-2)
Net gain/loss: +4 
Current total: 98

J-WOWW (110)
— Has to extract Snooki from her dogs’ area after she passes out in there (-2)
Net gain/loss: -2 
Current total: 108

VINNY (123)
— Scores the line of the night, in response to Ronnie and Sammi’s nine millionth fight of the season: “Hell has to be just like this.” Hey, that’s how we feel every Thursday at 10, too! (+3)
Net gain/loss: +3 
Current total: 126

CURRENT TOTALS:
Vinny: 126
J-Woww: 108
Pauly D: 98
The Situation: 89
Deena: 74
Ronnie: 55
Sammi: 46
Snooki: 14

Ronnie and Sammi got into another fight on Thursday’s episode of Jersey Shore. Nothing new there.

However, it sure put a damper on what probably would have been a fun and eventful night for everyone else. Snooki had her best friend, Ryder, in town to celebrate her birthday. The other three dudes all brought home ladies from the bar. And even Jenni was rediscovering her happy self with Roger, who came home with her.

Instead, it meant that a full house was on hand to witness the fracas that unfolded (and lasted all night) between the ever-troubled couple. Between Ron and Sam, there was screaming, clothes-throwing, bawling, bag-packing and punching. It’s an understatement to say they caused a scene.

Somehow, the others managed to go about their business in between the drama, but for the most part, it was a night ruined.

Enjoy the spectacle, folks:

RONNIE (102)
— At the bar, talks to the baby mama of a friend. Sammi bounds over in a drunken stupor to reprimand him for speaking to another woman (-2)
— At home, they get into a brawl of epic proportions. Ronnie gets fed up because he didn’t even do anything. Tells her he’s done with her. We’d give him more points for this, but we suspect it won’t last through the end of the episode (+1)
— Sammi threatens to move out and go home. He tells her she should. We couldn’t agree more (+1)
— Sammi storms off downstairs, and Ronnie takes all of her belongings and maniacally throws them in the middle of the room for her to pack up. He’s giggling kind of crazily and seems serious (+2)
— While Sammi packs, Ronnie has a good cry on the couch — and by cry, we mean the can’t-catch-your-breath kind of cry that teenage girls have (-5)
— Jenni consoles him, and they make up. He feels dumb for blaming her for he and Sammi’s problems (+4)
— In confessional, he bawls some more (-3)
— He wanders around the house, making all the roommatees confirm that he hasn’t done anything wrong lately — that he’s indulged all of Sammi’s wants and needs. This is depressing. Someone get this man a shot of steroids to get his temper back up (-4)
— Apologizes to J-Woww for cutting her out because of Sammi (+2)
— Sammi finds out he’s talking to Jenni, storms out on the balcony and starts screaming down at him, “ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HER?” This whole scene is so embarrassing (-3)
— When he reveals that he and Jenni are, indeed, friends again, Sammi goes downstairs and punches him hard in the jaw (-6)
— Later, she tries to talk to him several times, and he completely shuts her out. He doesn’t respond and/or gets up and walks out of the room (+5)
— Cries some more on the rooftop (-3)
— Sammi comes up to apologize, and, of course, HE FREAKIN’ FORGIVES HER. They get back together. God, will someone please put this charade to an end already? (-10)
Net gain/loss: -21 
Current total: 81 

SAMMI (71)
— Is drunk at bar. Sees Ronnie talking to a female friend and rips him a new one. We understand she now has trust issues, but this is the exact reason they should probably break up (-4)
— At home, she sulks in bed after playing some mind games with Ron. “You don’t love me, you hate me.” We wish he did, then we wouldn’t have to watch this painful farce of a realtionship every week! (-3)
— He gets mad, she threatens to go home. He tells her to go ahead (-2)
— Still wasted, she goes downstairs and brings pizza up to him as a peace offering. She clearly doesn’t realize how huge of a fight they just had (-3)
— She probably could have made up some ground by bringing up a couple of dumbbells and some Xenadrine, but is obviously too drunk to use her powers of reasoning (-2)
— Ronnie has thrown all her stuff in the middle of the room. She begins packing up. We get excited that Debbie Downer may leave (+3), but we know it’s probably just a tease (-3)
— She is content to lay in bed and feel sorry for herself until she hears that Ronnie is daring to have a conversation with her mortal enemy, J-Woww. She runs out to the balcony faster than the speed of light and starts shrieking at him (-4)
— Goes downstairs to interrogate him, and when admits he made up with Jenni, she punches him in the face (-8)
— Calls her mom and asks her to come pick her up. Praise the Lord! (+4)
— Most of the roomies abandon their various guests and go to her room and try to convince her to stay (+5)
— Apologizes to Ronnie several times for hitting him, and for being a bitch in general, and he doesn’t say a word to her (-6)
— Goes up to apologize one last time. Ronnie cries, she takes advantage of his sadness and somehow convinces him to forgive her (+4)
— Says she is going to work on her relationship with Ron — and with everyone else in the house. Promises to let her negative energy go. If she can really do that and grow up a little bit, we’re all for it (+5)
— At the bar, she apologizes to Jenni for, well, everything. They hug it out. It’s s good start (+4)
Net gain/loss: -10 
Current total: 61 

J-WOWW (94)
— After going to her house in Long Island to rescue her dogs, says she feels like her real home is in her measly little twin bed at the Jersey Shore. Now that is a sad state of affairs (-3)
— With Snooki, tries to install new locks on her house to keep out her ex. Even with directions, can barely figure it out (-2)
— Packs up her dogs and takes them back to Seaside Heights. The dog’s mouths will officially be the most sanitary things at the house (+3)
— At club, thinks Roger looks good. Brings him home with her. At least she’s single this time (+4)
— When Ronnie is crying over Sammi, she gives him a pep talk (+2). They become friends again (+3)
— She snuggles in bed with Roger, and tells the group she intends to have sex with him once her dogs stop whining (+2)
— Goes on a date with Roger, Deena and her Ronnie-lookalike. In her favor, she does seem a lot happier without Tom in the picture (+3)
— So happy, in fact, that she is able to let her anger go. When Sammi approaches her, they make up and even hug (+4)
Net gain/loss: +16
Current total: 110 

SNOOKI (29)
— Is of no help when Jenni needs to change the locks on her door (-1)
— Best friend Ryder visits to celebrate her 22nd birthday. Fun for Snooks (+2), but I’m feeling pretty old right about now
— We just noticed she is wearing shorts that look more like underwear (-2)
— When Jenni and Deena go on date night, she and Vinny go to the sex shop for some good cheer (+3)
— Buys stripper pole for the house (+4)
Net gain/loss: +6 
Current total: 35 

DEENA (87)
— Deena entertains Ryder while Snooki finishes Project Dog Rescue with J-Woww. She starts by feeding her shots in the bar, then taking her on a bunch of carnival rides at the boardwalk (-2)
— Ryder does not barf all over her (+3)
— Gets home and pops them open a bottle of wine (+2)
— Goes out on a date with Ronnie lookalike, Dean; they hold hands on the boardwalk (+1)
— Dean tells all the guys at the local barbershop that Deena likes a certain sex act that shall remain unnamed (-4)
— Barber tells all her male roommates about it (-5)
— She vehemently denies the accusations, and tells Dean off when she sees him in the club (+3), but we suspect the dudes will continue to give her hell for it anyway (-1)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 84 

VINNY (121)
— Since Snooki is gone when Ryder arrives, Vinny answers door for her best friend Ryder. It’s awkward because he did, in fact, ride her when she came to visit in Miami (-2)
— Goes to club, and charms a gorgeous girl (+3)
— Too bad she’s there with at least one burly cousin and her slightly-creepy, protective uncle (-5)
— Still, he talks her into coming back to the house with him (+3)
— At home, sounds the “grenade whistle” to warn that a grenade is on the premesis. In this case, it’s Pauly’s pick-up (+2)
— Cuddles with his hot chick on outdoor furniture while chatting with other housemates (+3), but her uncle shows up to take her home (-2)
— When Sammi wants to move out, he’s the first to go up and try to talk her out of it. Nice gesture (+1), but everyone would probably be happier if she took her negative energy home (-2)
— Calls Sammi out on her ego. Does not get punched in mouth (+1)
Net gain/loss: +2 
Current total: 123 

THE SITUATION (101)
— Gets a girl to come home with him from the bar, but Sammi and Ronnie’s huge melee kind of takes over the entire night (-2)
— He asks Sammi for a condom, so we presume he’s planning to have sex. But she told him to go ask Ron. Shouldn’t they have a vat of those things in the smoosh room? (-4)
— Sees Sammi clock Ronnie in the jaw, and goes down to console him (+3)
— We think, but are not positive, that he might have forgone sex to be a friend to Ronnie, as his girl is shown alone in the bed (+2)
— Taunts Deena at the gym about the sex rumors Dean started about her. Seriously? After all the skanks this guy has brought home, and he wants to ridicule Deena? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -6 
Current total: 95 

PAULY D (99)
— Ends up bringing a grenade home from the bar (-3)
— Realizes it, and is able to dodge her. She goes home (+2)
— Tries to eavesdrop when Sammi goes to apologize to Ronnie (-2)
— Is not getting enough air time this season (-2)
Net gain/loss: -5 
Current total: 94 

CURRENT TOTALS: Vinny: 123
J-Woww: 110
The Situation: 95
Pauly D: 94
Deena: 84
Ronnie: 81
Sammi: 61
Snooki: 35

Let’s face it: Jenni “J-Woww” Farley’s relationship with her boyfriend Tom probably lasted a lot longer than anyone expected. People that come onto reality shows with significant others seldom see the pairing last through one season.

In Thursday night’s episode of Jersey Shore, we finally saw the details of how her relationship with ex-boyfriend, Tom, unraveled… and it wasn’t pretty. This happened alongside Snooki’s introspection upon being let out of jail, during which time she decided she needed to significantly cut down the amount she was drinking. (Ya think?)

The majority of the episode revolved around the bronzed besties and their lives, with brief appearances by Deena (who provided your weekly dose of drunken bar antics), and cameos by the rest of the crew.

Here’s how it shook down:

J-WOWW (82)
— Calls her boyfriend and he screams at her for not calling him the night before. When she explains she’s trying to get Snooki out of jail, he doesn’t care (-3)
— He calls back and she hangs up on him a couple of times. This goes on throughout the episode so much that we lose count. Suffice it to say the writing is on the wall with this relationship (-4)
— Could not make time to speak to boyfriend, but did have time to go have a “Free Snooki” tank top printed up, which she wore when she and the others picked up Snooks from the slammer (+3)
— Has a heart-to-heart with Snooki, who says she’s been depressed and drinking more since her break up with Emilio in Miami. She tells Snooki to stop settling for the first guy that comes along; that she deserves better (+3)
— Before going out, applies bronzer to her enormous cleavage. If she does that every night, she must drop a bundle at Sephora (-1)
— Although she and Tom are technically still together, she wants to “start fresh with (ex-boyfriend) Roger and see where things go.” Probably, she needs some alone time between the two, but that’s not gonna happen (-3)
— Is never shown calling boyfriend Tom, but calls Roger several times. They go on a couple of outings to the boardwalk and go on fast rides that forces them to be pressed up against one another. Just dump Tom already, girl (-2)
— Roger comes back to house and they share a bed together, and Jenni says they didn’t have sex. I’m sure Tom will totally understand (-2)
— Tom calls the next day, and most of the roommates move into the living room so they can listen to her conversation with him. How obnoxious! (-3)
— They scream at each other and break up. Finally! (+5)
— Tom moves out of their house, but leaves her two dogs inside (sans air conditioner, we find out on the after show) to basically roast to death and starve inside (-10)
— Thankfully, pooches are OK…and very excited to see their mom (+4)
— Upon further investigation of her house, she finds Tom has taken her bed, her computer hard drive, a really expensive watch that was a graduation present (not from him), and possibly cleaned out some of her money as well (-10)
— OK, J-Woww, we’re totally on your side now. We even kinda wish you’d have had sex with Roger. GOOD RIDDANCE, TOM! (+35)
Net gain/loss: +12 
Current total: 94

SNOOKI (38)
— Says it’s “embarrassing” that she went to jail, but we suspect she’ll find bigger things to be ashamed of after watching this season (-2)
— Talks to her dad on phone and describes her jail experience as a “phenomenon.” No, wait! “A train wreck, that’s what I meant.” Yes folks, this wordsmith is a published author (-4)
— Dad tells her he’s disappointed in her and that she should “bury her head in the sand from embarrassment.” Um, been there, done that. It’s how she ended up in jail, pops (-3)
— Most of her roomies go to pick her up from jail (+5)
— She chats with the gang at home for a while, and we’re thinking… she’s still wearing the minidress from the night before (or two nights before at this point?). Please shut up and go take a shower (-4)
— That point was nailed home when Jenni pointed out the sand packed between Snooki’s cleavage (-3)
— Stays home for a night and chills; does some self-reflection with Jenni (+2)
— Goes to club the next night and doesn’t make an ass of herself. And by that we mean she didn’t pass out in public (+4)
— Appears to have traded in her poof for a trucker hat — an equally awful and outdated look (-2)
— Is depressed from her public humiliation, so J-Woww has her boy toy, Roger, bring a friend to meet Snooki. The guy, Nick, is a big, meaty, gorilla juicehead (+3)
— They plan a date for later. Snooki gets really excited and reveals that whenever she gets really amped about soemthing, she always has to empty her bowels. After she relives herself, she proclaims: “I had a baby on the toilet.” We can’t imagine why she’s single (-7)
— Brings the juicehead home with her, and while it isn’t immediately clear whether they had sex, she said in the confessional that she already wanted to have sex with him. So, we’re counting it (+2)
Net gain/loss: -9 
Current total: 29 

DEENA (83)
— Goes out to the club with Mike, Vinny and Pauly, but promises to be a good wingman because she, too, likes girls when she’s drunk (+2)
— At bar, lets girls take body shots off her, then kisses them after. She mostly does her own thing and doesn’t cramp their style like Angelina did in Miami. She receives the MVP stamp of approval (+6)
— Meets a guy that looks exactly like Ronnie. She repeatedly calls him “the perfect guy for me,” and the whole thing is freaking out the dudes a little bit (-3)
— As expected, she brings him home with her to hot tub. She emerges wearing a too-small string bikini, a white cowboy hat and white heels. She looks good in bathing suit (+3), but the accessories are (shocker!) overkill (-1)
— She asks Ronnie 2.0 if he has a girlfriend and he kind of stutters out a “no,” which she accepts as truth — or she really doesn’t care to know the truth (-1)
— He spends the night and they hook up. No sex, she says, but he did know her in other intimate ways (+3)
— Sammi sees him leave the next morning and tells Deena the guy has a girlfriend. Is anyone here surprised? (-5)
Net gain/loss: +4 
Current total: 87

PAULY D (94)
— Provides the comic relief in a somewhat intense episode. He reenacts the conversation in which Jenni and Snooki decided to write Sammi a note last season; narrates a Flip camera video session; and cracks a few funnies when Jenni is on the phone with her boyfriend (+5)
Net gain/loss: +5 
Current total: 99 

VINNY (115)
— Shoots some videos with the Flip camera to try and cheer up Snooki (+2)
— Gets in a pretend wrestling match with Jenni; she suffocates him between her giant globes (+4)
Net gain/loss: +6 
Current total: 121 

RONNIE (100)
— Makes it thorugh an entire episode without fighting with Sammi (+2) Net gain/loss:
Current total: 102 

SAMMI (70)
— Is pretty much absent from this episode, except to tell Deena that her hook-up has a girlfriend. And she does it in person, not through a note (+1)
Net gain/loss: +1 
Current total: 71 

THE SITUATION (101)
— The Sitch was a background character this week (+0)
Net gain/loss: +0
Current total: 101 

CURRENT TOTALS:
Vinny: 121
Ronnie: 102
The Situation: 101
Pauly D: 99
J-Woww: 94
Deena: 87
Sammi: 71
Snooki: 29

Season 2.5 Smoosh-o-meter:
Vinny: 2
The Situation: 1
Snooki: 1

MTV sure knows how to cure a case of the Mondays.

For reasons unknown but much appreciated, the network formerly known as Music Television offered us a special episode of Jersey Shore, on what is generally considered the most dreaded day of the week. And if it didn’t make you feel pretty good about your own life, then you may be due for a stint in therapy… or rehab.

It was the much-anticipated episode where Snookums gets totally obliterated, rolls around in the sand at the beach, cusses out the cops and gets hauled off to the pokey. So as you might imagine, Snooki plummeted down to the bottom of the scorecard this week. But she wasn’t the only cast member to shame her parental units. J-Woww relieved herself in public; Deena got turned down by the Sitch (again); Sammi and Ronnie fought some more; and Pauly encountered his stalker from season one.

Finally, Vinny and Mike picked up some wholesome young ladies at the bar, and gleaned carnal knowledge of them.

Here’s what we can’t figure out: Why doesn’t Trojan buy up every, single commercial break during Jersey Shore? Seems like a no-brainer.

Let’s hit it!

SNOOKI (97)
— Gets drunk and eats a raw potato in the kitchen. At least she’s branching out from pickles (+1)
— Is wasted at home, begs Vinny for sex and we learn she has nicknamed his unit “Seabiscuit.” Total overshare (-3)
— He turns her down (-2), so she sets out on a mission to get Deena and Mike to hook up (-3)
— Goes to GTL with Pauly; does not wear underwear. The TMI in this ep is only beginning, friends (-3)
— After smearing her backside with tanning lotion, it gets burned in the cancer booth and itches furiously, as fried skin often does (-2)
— She goes home, opens the mini fridge and sits inside. Just when we can’t get any more grossed out that her butt is where food should be, she says she has to poop. No wonder Vinny doesn’t want to hump her. She’s NASTY, and not in the good Janet Jackson way (-6)
— At club, is totally smashed and falls flat on her butt (-2)
— When Jenni pees on the floor in the bar (see below for details), Snooki says, “Who pees in a bar?” Yet just last week, Snooki said she’d poop in a bush. Ladies, this is not a third world country. Find a toilet (-2)
— Next day, is so hungover that she goes to work wearing her micro mini dress from the night before, a baseball cap, fuzzy frog slippers and is wrapped in a blanket. Granted, it’s not Wall Street, but still (-4)
— Gets annoyed because her boss won’t let her drink beer at work. Says she’s going to get a coffee, but goes to nearby bar to do shots. Next stop: Celebrity Rehab (-4) — After work, returns to the bar, still wearing last night’s clothes and slippers, and winds up coaching old people on their sex lives. If I weren’t getting paid to watch this, I’d probably have to turn it off right about now (-3)
— It’s still daytime, mind you, and she’s off the charts blotto. She takes off down the boardwalk, asks a man where the beach is and he indicates it’s about four steps away from her (-4)
— Tries to get in the ocean carrying her slippers and a Coach bag; rolls around in the sand; is unable to walk without help from Jenni and Deena (-10)
— Once you stop focusing on her jackassery, you see ALL the people on the beach, and then on the street, lined up and gawking their eyeballs out of their head (-5)
— Starts swearing at the cops, and of course, gets arrested for being drunk and causing a scene (-10)
— It will take her longer to sober up than it will to do her jail time, though, so it probably won’t be that bad (+2)
Net gain/loss: -60
Current total: 38

J-WOWW (97)
— Has been fighting with boyfriend, Tom, so is flirting and dancing with her ex at the bar. This can’t lead anywhere good (-2)
— Finds out her ex has a girlfriend, and she gets annoyed because he lied and told her he was single (-1)
— Goes upstairs to a closed off area of bar with Snooki to chill, but there’s no bathroom, so she does what any classy young lady would do: She cops a squat behind the unmanned bar and pees on the floor (-9)
— She then squirts water on the floor to dilute the pee so that it wouldn’t smell anymore. In theory, we should throw her a point or two for this, but we’re still digusted, so minus two (-2)
— The next day, tries unsuccessfully to reign in Snooki’s drunkenness at the beach (-3)
— When Snooks goes to jail, Jenni calls her dad to let him know. Isn’t this violating the friend code? Or was she trying to tell him before he found out from TMZ? We’ll give her the benefit of the doubt (+2)
Net gain/loss: -15 
Current total: 82 

THE SITUATION (96)
— Has no interest in bedding Deena or Snooki individually, but when Snooki mentions a threesome, he perks up like Scooby Doo for a Scooby snack (+3)
— Too bad Snooks was pulling the okey-doke to try and get Deena and Mike in a bedroom situation, and as soon as that happened, she took off (-4)
— Once he realizes his dreams of four boobs and two vaginas at the same time is an oasis, he pulls a “kitchen ditchin’” — which means he pretends to be hungry, then after eating, makes his way back to his twin bed and leaves Deena alone in the other room. Him turning down sex is almost unheard of, though, so… (+2)
— Don’t worry yourselves about Mike’s suffering libido, folks. He found an old crush at the bar the next day; she came home and spent the night with him in the smoosh room (+4)
Net gain/loss: +5
Current total: 101

DEENA (94)
— Wants to be the 5,067th notch on The Situation’s bedpost, so Snooki comes up with an idea to get them in a dark room together (+3)
— Talks Mike’s ear off, so he makes out with her a little to shut her up (+2)
— Goes to the bathroom to freshen up, and he pulls and emergency escape from the hook-up session (-5)
— At club, is dancing on the stage in a drunken stupor, continually falls off of it and exposes herself below the belt multiple times (-7)
— Gets kicked out of club for being too wasted. She calls herself a blast in a glass, but she’s more like a dreg in a keg (-4)
Net gain/loss: -11 
Current total: 83 

SAMMI (72)
— When Sammi and Ronnie get into a blowout fight (which Sammi stirred up because she imagined he was out cheating on her again), she decides she needs to get some other friends in the house. However, what she really needs is some therapy. She was already high-maintanence, and after his cheating antics last season, she’s damaged goods (-3)
— She starts Operation Girlfriends by apologizing to Snooki. Better late than never (+5)
— Is impressed that Snooki accepted her apology, and says that if the situation were reversed, she would not do the same. Man, she makes it hard to root for her (-4)
Net gain/loss: -2 
Current total: 70 

RONNIE (90)
— After Sammi picks a fight, Ronnie takes his rage to the gym and works out some frustrations in the boxing ring. At least he refrained from hurling the b- or c-words at her this time (+3)
— Wakes up and cooks turkey burgers for Mike and his bar conquest at 4:30 a.m. (+3)
— When Vinny comes out after getting laid, he and Ronnie chow down on burgers and share some laughs. It appears to be the first bit of fun Ron has had since arriving (+4)
Net gain/loss: +10 
Current total: 100 

VINNY (107)
— Although Snooki is begging Vinny for sex, and even comes to his bed after he turns her down, he denies her again. Says he doesn’t want to take advantage of her when she’s drunk. (Oh, and also that her alcohol breath made him shrivel up down there.) (+3)
— Picks up a woman at the bar and gets some action. She leaves immediately afterward to go meet some friends. No cuddling required (+3)
— Vinny goes out to the deck after sex and food is waiting for him. Vinny’s having great luck so far this season (+2)
Net gain/loss: +8 
Current total: 115 

PAULY D (98)
— Sees his stalker from the first season of Jersey Shore at the bar. She walks over and throws a drink in his face. (Background: Apparently, after the show aired, she and her mother said her portrayal on JS ruined her life and she had to temporarily move out of the country to recover from the embarrassment) (-4)
Net gain/loss: -4
Current total: 94

CURRENT TOTALS:
VINNY: 115
THE SITUATION: 101
RONNIE: 100
PAULY D: 94
DEENA: 83
J-WOWW: 82
SAMMI: 70
SNOOKI: 39

Getting it in: We’re keeping score this season, and so far, Vinny is leading the pack.
Vinny: 2
Mike: 1
Everyone else: 0

After a brief hiatus, perhaps to allow viewers’ brains to regenerate a bit, Jersey Shore has made its way back to TV with some fresh, new, inebriated antics. Technically, this is the second half of season two, but since they’ve moved from Miami back to Jersey, we’ve given them a fresh start in points.

The debauchery kicked off last week, but much of the episode was dedicated to the cast driving back to the shore, and frankly, nobody really gives a fist pump about that. So, we’re picking up with them in week two, where the absurdity is well underway.

Any integral happenings (and we use ‘integral’ loosely here) will be lumped in with this, our inaugural Character Countdown for season three. You know how we do: Everybody starts with 100 points, then gain or lose points — mostly lose, on this show — based on their own stupidity or things that happen to them.

One thing to note: There’s a new girl in town, Deena, who is both friends with, and a carbon copy of, Snooki.

Let the good times roll!

SAMMI (100)
— Came to house with total attitude, and treated the other women like piles of dirt, despite their efforts at being civil. She’s still bitter because of the whole Ronnie/letter debacle in Miami (-2)
— Shortly after Deena called her the c-word on the first night in the house, Sammi screamed at her. She appeared to take all pent-up anger out on Deena. (You’ll recall Ronnie called her the same thing in Miami and she got back together with him the next day) (-3)
— Also, a side note: You don’t really hear people use the c-word much. It’s kind of a last-reserve word that you use on a deplorable human being. Sammi should do some self-reflecting about why this has been thrown at her twice, by two different people, in a short time (-3)
— Gets on Ronnie’s case because he didn’t berate Snooki enough during the brouhaha (-1)
— She and Ron skip out on the Sunday dinner tradition, further alienating themselves from the rest of the group (-2)
— Just when you think Ronnie is the biggest jerk in this relationship (after his Miami transgressions), Sammi does a bunch of small, bitchy things that aren’t worth itemizing, so we’ll just dock her in one lump (-6)
— Gets mad when everyone wants to go for a walk on the boardwalk because she wants to be alone with Ronnie, even though she’s spent every waking second with him since they arrived (-1)
— Angry and bitter, Sammi would rather stand alone on the boardwalk and glare at everyone than sit in the same roller coaster that the others are riding. Calling her a wet blanket would be a compliment (-3)
— Sammi chose to get back together with Ronnie after all his cheating, but she continues to persecute him for it every day (-4)
— Gets into big fight with him before they go to bed. Blah blah blah (-3)
Net gain/loss: -28 
Current total: 72

RONNIE (100)
— Has a romantic day with Sammi: Takes her to church, belches audibly during dinner, and then wins her a giant stuffed banana playing carnival games (+2)
— As Sammi spirals into her self-pity and hatred for the other housemates, she ends up sucking Ron down the rabbit hole with her. Ron: “I’m taking her misery and making it mine.” (-7)
— Dares to have a fun time with the roomies on the boardwalk (+4), but Sammi ends up sulking all night (-2) — Finally gets fed up with her negativity, swears at her a little, then gives her the silent treatment. This is a match made in hell (-3)
Net gain/loss: -10 
Current total: 90 

THE SITUATION (100)
— Was the last one to arrive to the house last week, and got stuck with the bed nobody wanted: The one in the same room with Ronnie and Sammi. That’s right, the guy who gets the most ass has to share a room with a couple that argues all the time. Total. Blast. (-5)
— Gets up early in the morning and goes around waking everyone up. Jerk move, for sure, but if I were in a room with Ron and Sam, I’d be outta there ASAP, too (+1)
— Makes Sunday dinner for everyone, but Sammi and Ron go out to eat. Meh, that just means no drama and more meat for the other meatheads (+3)
— He and Vinny bring home a drunk girl, who basically says she’ll sleep with both of them. Seriously, their standards blow me away (-2)
— Vinny whisks the girl away into the “guest room” (aka: the den of bodily fluids exchange) and locks the door. There will be no entry of any kind for the Sitch tonight (-5)
— Deena sorta offers him sex, but he turns her down. He and Jenni are the only people in the house smart enough to NOT sleep with a roommate (+4)
Net gain/loss: -4
Current total: 96

DEENA (100)
— Last week, got completely naked in front of Mike about four hours after she met him. (-3) We’re still not really sure why, but she’ll fit right in here (+2)
— On their first night in the house, after Sammi treated her like a pariah, called Sammi the c-word. If Sammi hadn’t been acting like one, we’d dock her… but… well, you know (+3)
— If scientists hold a press conference to say that the ozone layer suddenly disappeared, it’s because Deena used more aerosol hairspray in one night that I used during all of the 1980s (-5)
— Offers herself to Mike and he turns her down. Honestly, that’s got to hurt the ego because that guy would mount my Subaru’s exhaust pipe if he were drunk enough (-3)
Net gain/loss: -6
Current total: 94

SNOOKI (100)
— Last week, stuck up for Deena when she fought with Sammi, setting a record for saying b*tch more times in a 30 second rant than has ever been done by anyone in the world (+3)
— At the bar, disappears for a while. Jenni finds her hiding in a bush on the patio. Snooki: “I will pee in a bush, I will poop in a bush, I will hide in a bush.” God, her parents must be swelling with pride right now (-4)
— The next day, gets upset because Deena wakes her up at the crack of noon (-2)
Net gain/loss: -3 
Current total: 97

J-WOWW (100)
— After listening to Sammi and Deena argue, charges over to Sammi and clocks her a couple of times before the fight gets broken up by Vinny and producers (+3)
— Calls boyfriend in the middle of the night in a drunken stupor, complaining that she lost her favorite gold bracelet. He barely says two words to her (-2)
— We think he’s kind of a jerk, until he reminds her that today is their anniversary. Jenni celebrated it by wearing a flourescent pink slut uniform to a nightclub, and then forgetting their special day. Oooopsie (-4)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 97

VINNY (100)
— While everyone just sits and watches, Vinny finally breaks up the fist fight between Jenni and Sammi. Nice (+2), but we wanted to see a little but more of it, so we’re deducting a point for that (+1)
— At the club, gets his very own stalker. “She is the parasite. I am the host.” (-2)
— With Mike, brings home a girl they intend to “share,” but ends up squirreling away this refined individual for his own personal smooshing pleasure. Yep, Mike, that’s karma for trying to steal his chick in Miami (+4)
— Except this girl wasn’t all that discriminating, so it wasn’t much of a coup (-2)
— He is the first one to use the smoosh room, which means that all manner of diseases and nastiness haven’t yet had a chance to accumulate (+3)
— When Sammi and Deena lose a ball from the rooftop deck, Vinny dismantles a beer bong, attaches the pieces to a broom, and somehow gets the ball back from a neighboring roof (+3)
Net gain/loss: +7
Current total: 107

PAULY D (100)
— After running through a rain storm, his hair is slightly wilted, but mostly still a wall of gel (+2)
— He needs a haircut. It’s too tall (-1)
— While the others are making dinner, asks if you’re supposed to marinate filet “mig-nun.” Too much hair product has eroded necessary parts of his brain (-3)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current total: 98

CURRENT TOTALS:
Vinny: 107
Pauly D: 98
J-Woww: 97
Snooki: 97
Deena: 94
Ronnie: 90
Sammi: 75

Usually, we need at least one season to get to know and love (or hate) a set of Real Housewives.

But The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills had us at “I’m rich and riddled with plastic surgery.” It’s only been two episodes and we’re more committed to this show than its stars are to Botox. So we figured, hey, let’s count these crazies down for the remainder of the season.

In the third episode, we catch up with the ladies as they take a trip to Las Vegas to see Jay-Z in concert. (Who knew? We pegged them as more of a Michael Buble or Celine Dion kind of bunch.)

Adrienne shows the women and their husbands a good time at the Palms Hotel and Casino, which she owns with her brothers; Camille’s hubby, Kelsey Grammer, has just moved to New York for a year for work and Taylor’s husband chooses work over his wife.

Just to refresh you, each lady begins our countdown with 100 points. Each week, she’ll earn or lose points based on things she does, or things that happen to her. When the season ends, one lucky lady will be our winner, and some poor sap will surely end up in the negatives.

You know how we do:

CAMILLE (100)
— In Kelsey’s absence, Camille plays tennis on her private court with a handsome fella named Nick, explaining that she likes hanging out with athletic guys when Kelsey is away. I’m no marriage counselor, but this doesn’t really seem like a great idea (-2)
— Before playing, stretches in a provocative manner, admitting she likes to flirt with Nick (-2)
— Says it’s OK, though, because he’s one of Kelsey’s best friends. As Adrienne pointed out, if Kelsey is having a friend keep an eye on Camille, this hottie is probably not a wise choice (-5)
— When Adrienne invites her to Las Vegas, she says, “Why not do something for me?” Ummmm, call us crazy, but weren’t you just doing that on the tennis court? (-3)
— At dinner, laments that it’s hard to be a “single mother” of two while Kelsey is away, even though she has four nannies. Kyle and Kim, who each have four children and no nanny, could not look more stunned (-6)
— In Vegas, dances sexily at the club, making sex faces and slapping her own ass. Knows all the other ladies’ husbands are watching her and likes it (-4)
— Practically gives Adrienne’s hubby a lap dance (-4)
— He sticks $5 in her shirt; she is insulted by the piddly amount and gives it back (-2)
— Says she feels more comfy with men than women because women can be catty. This is true; women are their own worst enemies. BUT, if you’re trying to make female friends, acting like a sex pot inches away from their menz probably isn’t the shrewdest move, either (-4)
— Sits down at the pool in between all the hubbies and talks about her breast implants. See above(-3)
— Nick randomly shows up in Vegas and stops in at dinner to say hi to Camille. Hmm…that seems kind of suspect, but perhaps it was a coincidence. Yeah, right (-2)
— After the concert, everyone goes up to the penthouse suite. Camille leaves early because the husbands are actually paying attention to their wives (-1)
— At the end of Vegas trip, gets into a skirmish with Kyle (-2)
Net gain/loss:-40 
Current total: 60

ADRIENNE
— Has a house so huge that she has to use an intercom to find her husband. And when she calls him, it echoes (+5)
— Tells him that Jay-Z gonna be performing in Vegas and she wants to take the girls. Just once, I wish I could get a call like this from one of my girlfriends (+4)
— Hubby loves Jay-Z (!) and wants to go (+5)
— Shows everyone around the Palms, including the totally awesome basketball suite, which includes a half court (+3)
— Keeps her cool when Camille is behaving like a Rock of Love contestant for her husband (+3)
— Several more scenes are shot in various areas of the Palms. This episode is like one giant commercial for Adrienne’s business (+10)
Net gain/loss: +27 
Current total: 127

KYLE (100)
— Calls out Kim on her bad man choices at group dinner. Nobody needs to be reminded of their failed relationships (-2)
— Say she is excited about going to Jay-Z concert, but when her daughter asks her to name one Jay-Z song, she fails. I think even my mom can name one. (Can’t you, mom? I know you’re reading this; please say yes.) (-4)
— When packing for Vegas, says she needs three outfits per day, plus a back-up ensemble. We would make fun of this if we didn’t completely overpack every time we go on vacation. Hey, you’ve gotta be prepared (+5)
— Husband says nice things about her at group dinner when talking about why he married her (+3)
— Ate very minimally for the week leading up to Vegas trip so that she’d look good. Somewhere, another young lady considers an eating disorder (-7)
— Got into a tiff with Camille in Vegas, but we don’t know whose side to take because Bravo’s cameras apparently didn’t catch it (-2)
Net gain/loss: -7 
Current total: 93

TAYLOR
— Packs husband’s bags for trip, even though his arms are not broken and he knows what he wants to bring (-3)
— Basically admits that she married him to achieve a certain kind of lifestyle, not for true love. Guess someone never saw The Princess Bride as a kid (-5)
— At dinner, admits to the group that she had to chase him for months before they started dating. Everyone is stunned because for this guy, she’d be considered quite a get (-4)
— Husband leaves her alone in Vegas for the day to golfing in Arizona. We’re starting to think maybe she’s his beard (-4)
— At another dinner, eats cotton candy for dessert in a manner that should have required a parental advisory (-3)
— Has at least heard one Jay-Z song prior to going to the show, which is more than we can say for anyone else here besides Adrienne and her hubs (+3)
— Hubby Russell has no apparent social skills and can’t hold down a convo with anyone (-5)
— In the middle of a nightcap in the penthouse suite with the gang, makes Taylor leave to go get something to eat. What’s the point of being rich (and married, for that matter) if you never get to have any fun? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -25
Current total: 75

LISA (100)
— Has everyone meet for dinner at her restaurant before the trip, and the food makes us want a midnight snack (+4)
— Quote: “A woman can never have too many shoes.” Amen, sister, amen! (+5)
— Has a closet that is bigger than the main level of my house (+3)
— We see her husband’s suitcase and learn that he wears black Dolce & Gabbana undies. I never wanted to imagine her hubby in his skivvies, but there it is (-2)br> — Doesn’t understand what Jay-Z is saying. But we’re pretty sure even if she could hear the words, she still wouldn’t understand the slang. Just a guess (-2)
— Thinks Camille is over-reacting to her tiff with Kyle and was hearing what she wanted to hear. Based on our snap judgement, we tend to agree (+1)
Net gain/loss: +9
Current total: 109

KIM (100)
— Is looking forward to going out on a date. We are too, because she seems like a really lonely woman (+4)
— In Las Vegas, laments that she’s sad and would like a companion. It sucks being a third wheel, but on this trip, she’s the only one without some sort of male presence over the weekend (-3)
Net gain/loss: +1
Current total: 101

CURRENT TOTALS:
Adrienne: 127 Lisa: 109
Kim: 101
Kyle: 93
Taylor: 75
Camille: 60

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who think Halloween is for kids, and those who think that trading in your regular persona for one night gets even more entertaining as an adult.

You’re probably not reading this story unless you’re in the latter group, so … welcome aboard the fun train! I love Halloween just as much as I love TV (maybe even more!!), so it’s only natural that the two would come together at some point.

So, with Halloween just around the corner, here are some TV costume ideas based on different moods, as well as some tips to get you started. Happy haunting!

If you…

… want something hair-raising: Snooki or Pauly D from Jersey Shore.
This is the first Halloween to occur since the cast of Jersey Shore took the nation by storm, so these costumes will probably be some of the year’s hottest. (They are actually selling prepackaged costumes and “Guido kits” online.) What will make your ensemble stand out is perfecting the infamous hairdos.
What you need: Hair long enough to achieve either look — wigs won’t do the job here. Also, a can of AquaNet; a blow dryer; and someone who grew up in the 1980s to help you achieve maximum height.
As for clothes, men need a graphic print t-shirt; rosary; jeans; multiple tattoos (fake or real); and self-tanner. Women should look for a dress that’s two sizes too small; a couple of cantaloupes for breasts; orange body paint. Then you’re done because… no panties required!

… want to be stylish: Someone — anyone — from the Mad Men cast.
If you’re a dude, your best option is Don Draper. He’s the star of the show: The guy who gets all the chicks; the hottie; the powerful businessman; and most importantly, the best-dressed fella. If you’re a lady, you can choose based on hair color, body type or mood. Petite, blonde Betty, a former model, has infinite class and style; curvy redhead Joan is the sex bomb. Even the plain brunette Peggy Olson has stepped up her game from frumpy to conservative chic.
What you need: For Don, a nice suit and tie; dark, gelled hair; a pack of smokes; a glass of Scotch in one hand. This is the perfect costume for getting totally blitzed, because, hey, you’re just getting into character, right?
For the ladies, a quaint, beautifully cut dress. To truly achieve greatness, you’ll need to comb consignment and vintage shops or hit the sewing machine. (You might even be lucky enough to find a gem in your mom or grandma’s old clothes, if they saved them.) For Joan, add a gold pen and hang it from a chain around your neck, which should rest nicely between your ample bosom. For Betty, consider adding a block of ice where her heart would be.

… want to be scary: A True Blood vampire.
The great thing about these characters is that each has its own distinct, sexy look and personality. Between Eric Northman, Bill Compton, Pam or baby vamp Jessica, there’s a TB vamp for everyone. What you need: Fangs and fake blood. Then add personal touches for each bloodsucker based on their characters. Eric, for example, could have foils in his hair; Bill could carry a bottle of Tru Blood; Pam always dresses like she’s going to the nighclub and has an affinity for fabulous shoes; Jessica has a more innocent, small-town sex appeal. Just be sure you make it home before dawn…

… want to be scary, but are also lazy: Dexter. The beauty of this ensemble is that Dex looks and dresses like a normal guy. You probably already have this stuff in your closet.
What you need: His everyday look entails a neutral, short-sleeved button up shirt and a pair of khakis. His killing outfit isn’t all that tough either: A long sleeved olive green shirt and black pants. Spatter some blood on yourself, grab a couple of fake knives and call it a night. Extra credit if you have some garbage bags hanging out of your pants pockets, or carry around a box of blood slides.

… want to make an entrance: Tareq and Michaele Salahi from The Real Housewives of D.C.
Even if people don’t watch Real Housewives, they couldn’t have missed White House state dinner party crasher news story that dominated media almost a year ago. To pull this off, show up to the party late and make a big scene upon arrival (“Of course we have an invitation!”).
What you need: For Tareq, a suit, white hair, and to nail in the point, you could cover yourself in slime. For Michaele, wear a boldly colored sari; a long, blonde, scraggly wig; and a perma-smile. You could even add some maroon and gold pom-pons, as the former makeup artist also has lied about having cheered for the Washington Redskins during the 1980s.

… are of a certain age, but still hot: Jules Cobb from Cougar Town.
Sure, you could go as a cougar in general, but why not throw in a pop culture reference while you’re at it?
What you’ll need: An outfit that’s sexy but perhaps a tad too revealing. Jules never leaves home without an oversized purse, and she’s always sucking down a glass of red wine. (This is another costume with a built-in excuse to drink.) Last, secure a date that’s 10 years your junior — for authenticity, of course (wink, wink).

… go in a group: Real Housewives of New Jersey, or Big Love family.
Going out with the ladies? A Teresa/Danielle/Jacqueline/Caroline foursome would be divine! Have a couple of guys in your group? Add in Teresa’s hubby Joe and Danielle’s thug friend Danny. Or go a completely different (and more warmly-dressed) direction and go as some Mormons from Big Love.
What you need: For the Housewives crew, lots of animal print, hair spray, black eyeliner, potty mouths, attitude. (Bratty kids optional, but Teresa should carry a table and throw it from time to time.) For the BL crew, you’ll need conservative clothing in varying levels of modesty to capture Margene, Barb and Nicki. Bill needs a suit, perhaps some political propaganda from his recent campaign, and a backpack full of children.

… are answering the door for trick-or-treaters: A character from Yo Gabba Gabba!
If you want to be the hit at the door or at a kid party, dressing up as Muno, Brobee, Foofa, Toodee, Plex or DJ Lance Rock is the way to go. A cult-favorite among kids and parents alike, this children’s show is steadily gaining in popularity and poised to be as big as Dora the Explorer in no time.
What you need: A sewing machine, and likely, more patience than a Project Runway contestant. You see, you can buy these costumes in toddler sizes (and DJ Lance Rock comes in adult men sizes), but big kids are going to have to concoct a full-size, mascot-like outfit. So, start early! (FYI, Brad Pitt was Lance Rock last year!!)

… want a unisex costume using things you already have: A hoarder.
During the past year, hoarding has become the latest disturbing illness captured by documentary television. Showing up to the party as a traveling hoarder would not only be timely, but totally unique. After all, no two messes are exactly alike!
What you need: One of everything; a Costco-sized tub of safety pins or hot glue gun. Just put on a long-sleeved shirt and pair of pants and start affixing stuff to yourself. Stop when you can no longer move your arms and legs. (Suggestions for specific attachments, as seen on Hoarders: newspaper comics pages, beer cans, empty liquor bottles, stuffed toys, cockroaches, bed bugs, cats, cat skeletons, bags of feces. Use fake varieties of the last several items, please.

When the second season of Jersey Shore drew to a close last night, it was like closing the door on another dysFUNctional family reunion.

As much as we hate ourselves for watching each week, we’re going to miss our Thursday night dates with the potty-mouthed layabouts who favor random sex over relationships and drunken fist fights over civil conversations.

Vinny was the clear winner of the season, mainly because he was far less repulsive than the rest of his roomies. Sammi circled the drain with the lowest score, which is amazing, because philandering Ronnie lost so many points in the first weeks we certain that nobody could catch him.

In the finale, the roommates took a day trip to the Everglades. Vinny and Pauly D took their lady friends to a final dinner; Mike got some action in the bathroom of the club; and the roomies had one final blow-out fight before packing up and leaving Miami.

Here’s the final scorecard! Until season three, my friends…

THE SITUATION (10)
— On Everglades road trip, runs away from giant bugs. It’s truly amazing to us, because he’s probably exposed to much worse creepy crawlies every time he hooks up with a bar slut (-3)
— Ate frog legs, liked them (+2)
— Chased J-Woww into bathroom and taunted her with deep fried frog (-4)
— Regurgitated frog meal alongside highway (-4)
— Hooks up with the hoes that Vinny turned down in the bathroom at club (-5)
— Calls Ron out at dinner for his earlier womanizing behavior, but doesn’t get the reaction he was looking for (-2)
— When Snooki is upset on their last night, Mike brings her back inside to make sure everyone can have a pleasant time before they depart (+3)
— Makes a big going away breakfast for everyone, complete with champagne. But minus frog legs (+5)
Net gain/loss: -8
Current total: 2

SNOOKI (26)
— Tells Jenni that everyone called her fake, and somehow thinks this will not start a ruckus (-4)
— Jenni gets mad and confronts Mike and Pauly, telling them that Snooks gave her the intel (-5)
— She and Jenni get into a big argument because Snooki thinks everyone hates her now. Actually, I hate you both because I’m tired of looking at your obnoxious Ed Hardy hats (-3)
— Snooki starts anger-packing, which is actually quite efficient. I kinda hope someone pisses me off right before I take my next vacation (+4)
— Drags out the situation after everyone else stopped caring (-2)
— While sulking outside alone, Mike goes and gets her and things end on a good note… (+4)
— …but not before viewers see Snooki’s blurred-out nether regions two more times. Oh Snooki, thanks for the memories (-3)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 17

PAULY D (111)
— Went on a tour with “crocodiles or alligators or whatever you want to call ‘em.” Eh, we can’t tell the difference either (-3)
— Envied the power of the propeller on the air boat. Longed for one to style his hair, because it would take less time than a blow dryer. Now we know what to get you for Christmas, Pauly (+4)
— Takes Rocio out to dinner and they kiss (+3), but doesn’t want to try and mount her because he respects her too much (+5)
— Makes out with random at club a few hours later. Apparently does not respect Rocio enough to not defile his lips once more before leaving town (-2)
— Asks the group how to spell “likely.” Pauly D: Most likely to fail fifth grade spelling (-4)
— Was voted by the group as most likely to get skin cancer (-5), and laughs about it (-3)
— Jenni tells Mike that Pauly called him fake (-3)
— Gets so angry at Jenni and Snooki for starting drama that his veins pop out when he yells (-4)
— He and Mike know they are bros for life, and begin their drive home together. If that doesn’t make you a little misty-eyed, we don’t even want to know you (+3)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 102

J-WOWW (39)
— Hates frogs, becomes nauseated when some of the roomies eat frog legs (-3)
— Cleans out the nasty, nasty fridge, which contains old food from as far back as Vinny’s mom’s visit. It’s almost as nasty as cleaning the smoosh room, but this time she didn’t have help (+15)
— Mike calls her the fakest person in the house (-3)
— When Snooki tells her people were talking smack, she confronts them and start a big brouhaha on their last night there (-5)
— Snooki gets mad at her and they argue (-2)
— They make up and road trip home together. It’s a good thing, too, because you may recall that Jenni is the only one tall enough to drive the Escalade (+4)
Net gain/loss: +6
Current total: 45

VINNY (153)
— Makes dinner reservations to take Ramona out on his last night in town (+3)
— Ramona is 45 minutes late. He shouldn’t be surprised, but he should at least be a little mad (-5)
— She wants him to come visit her later, and he’s totally sprung (+2)
— Is later approached by two sluts at bar who offer him a threesome (+3), but he turns them down. “Just say no to hoes.” (+6)
Net gain/loss: +9 
Current total: 162

SAMMI (-25)
— Tries to start argument with Ronnie at dinner and we kind of understand why he wanted to cheat on her now (-4)
— Says she’s sorry, which is highly unusual for her (+5)
— Won’t help Snooki make tacos because she’s too busy lounging in the hot tub with Ronnie. Plus, it would require her to stand up and we all know she’s most comfortable sitting or laying down in bed (-4)
— Decides to go help Snooki, but makes a point to be a raging witch about it. She’s got the nickname Sammi Sweetheart, but we beg to differ (-3)
— Doesn’t say goodbye to Jenni when they all go home. Sammi: Still killing the messenger after 13 episodes (-2)
Net gain/loss: -8
Current total: (-33)

RONNIE (-6)
— Sammi and Ron go out to dinner, and Sammi picks a fight for no reason (-3)
— She finally apologizes four hours later (+4), but we stopped taking this relationship seriously about 10 episodes ago (-1)
Net gain/loss: +0
Current total: (-6)

FINAL TOTALS:
Vinny: 162
Pauly D: 102
Jenni: 45
Snooki: 17
The Situation: 2
Ronnie: (-6)
Angelina: (-16) (left in week 10)
Sammi: (-33)

Hello friends.

We interrupt our regularly-scheduled programming of television commentary to bring you this important message.

My son is up for the Gap Casting Call, and he would really appreciate your vote to help him become one of the new faces of babyGap!

People ask if he’s always smiling this big, and the answer is… yes! If you agree that he’d be great at selling jeans, you can cast your fan vote for him here. (You don’t have to register for anything, and you won’t get spammed with email.)

Thanks, and have a nice day!

Wonder Mom

Nick getting ready for Halloween, as DJ Lance Rock from Yo Gabba Gabba!

Hello friends.

We interrupt our regularly-scheduled programming of television commentary to bring you this important message.

My son is up for the Gap Casting Call, and he would really appreciate your vote to help him become one of the new faces of babyGap!

People ask if he’s always smiling this big, and the answer is… yes! If you agree that he’d be great at selling jeans, you can cast your fan vote for him here. (You don’t have to register for anything, and you won’t get spammed with email.)

Thanks, and have a nice day!

Wonder Mom

Nick getting ready for Halloween, as DJ Lance Rock from Yo Gabba Gabba!

As far as house-husbands go, Real Housewives Caroline Manzo, Vicki Gunvalson, Jill Zarin are some of the lucky ones.

No doubt these social wives are the stars of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Orange County and New York City, respectively. But with that reality TV exposure comes a peek into their personal lives, and we’re here to tell you: Most of the ladies haven’t done so well in that department.

In fact, in many cases, the men behind the women are bigger morons than their indulgent, excessive, dramatic wives. We’ve rounded up some of the worst offenders and ranked them from creepy to creepiest.

(And just think: This doesn’t even count the new men that will emerge with the upcoming Beverly Hills and Miami editions! It is sure to be an embarrassment of riches … if by riches, you mean asshats.)

Simon van Kempen, The Real Housewives of New York City: If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times: “What the hell is Simon wearing?” To be honest, we are surprised that Mr. Alex McCord has not been run out of any and all NYC fashion events, what with his penchant for tight red patent-leather pants, bizarre metallic military jackets and general over-the-top dressing habits.
However, there’s also something endearing about this goofball, which is why he ranks as the least-offensive of our husbands.

Count Alexandre de Lesseps, The Real Housewives of New York City: Say what you will about snobby NYC housewife LuAnn de Lesseps, but I think we can all agree that she’s a beauty. And if her now-ex-husband weren’t a rich count, we doubt the aging coot would have ever scored anyone as hot as her. Did we mention she was his fourth wife?
Once he got tired of LuAnn, he cheated on her with a much-younger Ethiopian princess and informed his wife about it over email, ending their 16-year marriage as well as his short run on The Real Housewives.

Frank Curtin, The Real Housewives of O.C.: Lynne was one of the most boring and useless housewives to date. And sadly for her, the most exciting thing that happened in her storyline came courtesy of her lying husband, Frank.
Unbeknownst to Lynne and her daughters (at least, according to Bravo’s storytelling), Frank defaulted on a $10,000 security deposit on their ritzy Laguna Beach apartment. The teen daughters were served with the official eviction notice on camera, and soon after, their parents were fighting about the situation during an afternoon stroll in the park. Meanwhile, Lynne and her daughter enjoyed a mother/daughter plastic surgery trip the month before.
Sounds like someone needs some private (and free!) tutoring from Suze Orman.

Slade Smiley, The Real Housewives of O.C.
Slade hasn’t been married to any cast members. Instead, he seems to be a serial stalker of the O.C. ladies, which is probably the saddest for his current squeeze, Gretchen Rossi. He was the boyfriend of original O.C. cast member Jo De La Rosa, then briefly dated another ex-Wife, , Lauri Waring, and we all thought he was a sleazebag then. So when he reemerged dating new Housewife Gretchen, it became clear that he was an older, sadder version of the fame-whoring Spencer Pratt.
In “real life,” he owes nearly $85,000 in child support for his young son, who suffers from a rare form of brain cancer. Some reports say he funneled his earnings from season five of Real Housewives through Gretchen so he could avoid the mandatory deductions. What a catch, Gretchen! Nice work.

Joe Giudice, The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Sure, Joe has a few redeeming qualities: He’s pretty generous with his money — when he has it — and he seems to truly love his wife, Teresa. But in general, he’s overwhelmingly gruff, disheveled, a chauvinist, void of any manners and spends more time wearing a wifebeater than the guys on Jersey Shore.
But the icing on the cake is that Joe also allegedly hid all of their money problems from his wife before filing for bankruptcy last year. He also just spend more than a week in jail on a DUI charge. As LuAnn would say, “Money can’t buy you class.” But even if it could, he’d probably get it repossessed.

Simon Barney, The Real Housewives of O.C.: Simon didn’t always come off as a jerk. Back in the day, he seemed harmless enough, and we even agreed with him that Tamra’s adult son needed to get a job when he moved back in with them.
But then Simon changed jobs and started hanging around the house a lot more, and that’s when we saw more of his agitated, controlling side come out. As their money problems escalated, Simon often insulted his wife through backhanded compliments. While Tamra stood up to him on camera, she also appeared to be genuinely, increasingly afraid of him in later seasons. They’ve since filed for divorce and reports claim physical and verbal abuse were common during their 11-year marriage. Tamra recently filed for an emergency EPO after Simon allegedly threw a retractable dog leash at her head. We say, good riddance!
Now, let’s just hope she can get that tattoo of his name removed from her ring finger.

Tareq Salahi, The Real Housewives of D.C.: Here are some of the things we know about Michaele’s husband: He owns a winery; his own mother has sued him; he has security detail at his place, in the middle of nowhere, for no apparent reason; he and his wife snuck into numerous high-profile, private events without an invitation.
This guy is as slimy as they come, and after watching him in action, we are convinced that 90 percent of what he says is an outright lie. The others have their issues, but this guy is by far the shadiest because he seems to believe his own tall tales. That seals him the No. 1 spot on this list.
Where is Jack Bauer when you need him?

The Situation has had a rough week on TV.

Tuesday night, he was the latest celeb booted from Dancing With the Stars. And in Thursday’s episode of Jersey Shore, he was kicked out of a nightclub; got his car towed; was rejected by not one, but two women in bed; and his cooking caused the Miami Fire Department to come calling on the casa de la twits.

For that matter, none of the Shoreans had a great week. Snooki was down in the dumps after her best friend returned home; Sammi and Ronnie were fighting again; J-Woww nearly violated indecent exposure laws with her outfit; and Pauly D went smoosh-less because of Mike’s missteps.

The lone exception to this very bad week was Vinny, who not only still has his go-go dancing hottie Ramona on the hook, but got her to stay the night. Twice. You know that’s gotta be messing with Mike, too.

While it’s not hard to be a shining star in this galaxy of ineptitude, Vinny seems to be the only one that isn’t a complete cretin.

Next week: The group takes a road trip for the season finale!

Now, for the calculation situation:

THE SITUATION (38)
— Goes into Snooki’s bed to apologize to her (+2), and is inexplicably holding a wad of cash. For a guy that’s said to be making five million this year, we kind of expect him to have more than $24 (-1)
— At the club, picks a fight with a guy my one-year-old son could beat up (-3)
— Gets the group kicked out of said club. Guess that’s one way to get everyone to leave at the same time (-4)
— Luckily, Pauly scored them a few chicks to bring home (+3)
— Turns out that Mike’s girl has only slept with one guy, and the Sitch wasn’t going to be her second. Rejected! (-5)
— Kicks girl out of his bedroom, which results in Pauly’s girl making her exit as well (-2)
— We also just noticed he has about 20 t-shirts tossed over his bed frame. I wonder if he treated his Dancing With the Stars costumes with the same blatant disregard (-4)
— When he tells Jenni about the previous night’s encounter, he lies and says he kicked the girl to the curb because she was a grenade (-3)
— Cooks another awesome meal for the house, which includes filet mignon, chicken parmesan, pasta and more. Cooking feasts is one of his few redeeming qualities (+5)
— Rinses a hot pan under water and sets off fire alarm. Fire department arrives to check things out (-3)
— Parks where ever he wants to; ends up getting car towed within ten minutes of leaving it (-2)
— Must fork over $175 to get the car back (-4)
— With Pauly D, brings home a couple of blonde Canadians from bar (+2)
— In anticipation of getting action, sprays his nether regions with after shave. Or is it Lysol? (-4)
— Gets refused again by Canadian, and his jackassery about it causes Pauly’s girl to take off as well. Pauly calls him a terrible wing-man, but not to his face (-5)
Net gain/loss: -28 
Current total: 10

SNOOKI (35)
— Mike apologizes for their altercation in the club by climbing in bed with her the next morning and mauling her with kisses (-5)
— Snooki’s best friend, Ryder, leaves to go back home and she’s depressed (-3)
— Cries wearing five pounds of make-up, yet none of it runs (+2)
— Vinny comforts her, and she feels better (+1)
— Then she says… “He’s like my big brother, I love him. But you usually don’t have sex with your big brother.” Unless you’re Snooki, then anyone’s fair game (-5)
— Is excited to go to bar that will have “guido juicehead gorilla sexy tan sweaty boys” (+2)
— The group gets kicked out of the bar before Snooki can sink her talons into any juiceheads (-1)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 26

PAULY D (120)
— Has woman that is ready for sex in his bed, but Mike ruins it for him (-5)
— When girl asks him about his rosary, he says it’s just for fashion. As Tupac would have said, only God can judge him… but luckily, we’re still in charge of the points (-2)
— Meets up with Rocio at beach the day after his foiled attempt at random sex (+2)
— His potential sexcapade with a top-heavy Canadian are partially defeated due to Mike’s crappy wing-man skills (-4)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 111

VINNY (146)
— Vinny’s hottie, Ramona, comes home with him from the club and stays the night (+2)
— Based on the footage we see, it’s safe to assume Vinny got some action (+3)
— Is the only person in the house to get laid in this episode (+2)
Net gain/loss: +7 
Current total: 153

J-WOWW (49)
— Jenni’s flourescent pink earrings are as big as hula hoops and we hate their ugly guts (-3)
— Her club attire consists of a fishnet half-shirt with pasties, a fishnet micromini skirt, those stupid earrings, and a pair of black high top sneakers (-4)
— At least she’s wearing underwear (+2)
— Creates a flow chart for house hook-ups, and comes to realize that, using one degree of separation, all the housemates have (at the very least) made out with each other. That should earn them a lifetime supply of Orbit gum, right? Because those are the dirtiest mouths I can imagine (-5)
Net gain/loss: -10 
Current total: 39

RONNIE (2)
— Goes to beach and when he sees Pauly, hops on his back and dry humps him (-5)
— When other guys discuss their preference for exotic looking women, Ron jokes to Sammi that she looks a little bit Asian, which he likes. Ronnie’s ex was Asian, so he’s back in the doghouse with Sammi. (We had such high hopes for Ronnie to finish the season in the positive numbers, but we’re no longer that optimistic) (-3)
Net gain/loss: -8 
Current total: (-6)

SAMMI (-19)
— Overreacts to Ronnie’s ‘Asian’ comment (-3)
— Turns it into a huge, blown-out fight. Have you ever noticed that Sammi is barely a part of the show unless she’s whining about or fighting with Ron? (-2)
— Retires to her bedroom to sulk. What. A. Surprise (-1)
Net gain/loss: -6
Current total: (-25)

CURRENT TOTALS:
Vinny: 153
Pauly D: 111
J-Woww: 39
Snooki: 26
The Situation: 10
Ronnie: (-6)
Angelina: (-16) (left in week 10)
Sammi: (-25)

Thursday night certainly wasn’t the first time we’ve seen The Situation lose his cool on Jersey Shore. At some point, he’s had arguments with nearly everyone in the house.

But his recent temper tantrums were probably his most ridiculous yet, and apparently the result of a) people not following his dictatorship, b) Vinny scoring the hottest chick that anyone has seen all season, and c) not being able to pillage said hot girl for himself. For once, it seemed everyone in the house was tired of The Situation’s agitation.

Snooki’s best friend came for a visit, too, and demonstrated why with both girls probably flunked their foreign language classes in high school.

Meanwhile, Snooks and Jenni tried to mend fences with Sammi, who was sad that her only friend in the house (Angelina) moved back home. It resulted in all three girls sitting on the couch playing with their hair extensions, shrouded by awkward silence. Oh, how we love a good, deep conversation!

Welcome to the jungle:

THE SITUATION (61)
— With Pauly, moves Angelina’s bed and remaining stuff out of the room (+3)
— Gets live lobsters and champagne and makes a special dinner celebrating Angelina’s departure (+5)
— Calls himself the “pimp of all pimps,” but his pick-up moves at the club would land him in the big house on Law & Order: SVU. He scares all the women away (-4)
— Unable to scrounge up any action, he tries to get everyone to go home. If Mike’s not happy, nobody’s gonna be happy! (-3)
— Snooki fights with him because she and her friend are having fun and are not ready to leave (-2)
— The next night, Sitch tries to hit on Vinny’s woman when V goes to the bathroom. Isn’t this a violation of some sort of bro code? Get your own girl, dude (-5)
— Vinny’s girl, Ramona, rejects him as do other ladies in the bar. We know this because he’s sitting alone and his abs are not exposed. Is it possible he’s already slept with everyone in Miami? (-3)
— Gets frustrated and tries to kiss Snooki. Really? Really? (-5)
— Bored and frustrated, he demands everyone go home but so nobody listens. It’s not very often that Mike doesn’t get his way, but we don’t understand why he doesn’t just leave by himself (-9)
Net gain/loss: -23 
Current total: 38

SNOOKI (50)
— Snooki and J-Woww decide to try and rescue one of the live lobsters and keep them as pets. Because there just aren’t enough revolting smells and germs in the house already (-3)
— Turns out we were worried for nothing. Kills lobster minutes later by putting it in a big bowl of tap water (-5)
— Wants to make up with Sammi and apologizes to her for her part in writing the letter (+2)
— Snooki’s best friend, Ryder, visits from home (+4)
— The besties speak to each other in some bizarre, grunting language that make Vulcan-speakers seem kind of normal (-3)
— Invites Sammi to go to the bar with them, but she declines. Sammi is a wet blanket; it’s a blessing in disguise (+4)
— Somehow manages to screw up making an ice cream drink in a blender. (And someone is paying her to write a book? Good grief) (-4)
— Compares Ryder’s, Jenni’s and her own boobs by giving them all firm squeezes. As far as we could tell, no conclusions were drawn (-3)
— Gets into fight with the Sitch at the bar when he tries to make her leave. It puts her in a bad mood and she winds up going home early (-2)
— The next night, when Mike can’t score, he tries to kiss Snooks. Do they make anti-bacterial lip sanitizer? Because this would be the time to use it (-8)
— The two argue again, but this time, Snooki doesn’t let it ruin her night. In fact, the whole pack ignores him (+3)
Net gain/loss: -15
Current total: 35

VINNY (130)
— Makes plans with Ramona, the woman who stood him up for a date a few weeks back. At this point, we wonder if he’s a glutton for punishment? (-2)
— She says she’ll be there in 30 minutes. He packs a bag with drinks and supplies for the beach (+5)
— Two hours later, she’s still not there (-8)
— Makes plans with two other girls instead. At least he’s trying to salvage his day (+4)
— As the replacement dates are on their way over, Ramona shows up. Uh oh! (-2)
— Calls and cancels with the other girls for Ramona. We wouldn’t have done it, but I guess he figures she’s worth the trouble (+2)
— Hits it off with Ramona, who actually seems to be a nice, smart girl, and they have a great day. Makes out with her at end of date (+6)
— On another night, Ramona shows up to meet him at the club (+5)
— When he goes to the bathroom, Mike tries to hit on Ramona (-3)
— Ramona wants no part his creeping, solidifying our belief that she’s smarter than the average bar slut (+9)
Net gain/loss: +16
Current total: 146

SAMMI (-7)
— Is the only person who cares when Angelina leaves, because she has no other friends in the house (-3)
— When Jenni apologizes for the letter, she can’t even be bothered to swivel her head 45 degrees to feign interest (-4)
— As she reclines in bed with Ronnie — who, you may remember, totally violated her trust for weeks — she tells him how she can never forgive Jenni. MTV misses an opportunity to insert Run-DMC’s “Dumb Girl” into the episode soundtrack (-2)
— When Snooki asks her to go hang out with the girls, she is troubled by having to produce a yes or no answer … which makes us wonder how long she must spend deciding on multiple choice questions, such as choosing a nail polish color for a manicure (-3)
Net gain/loss: -12 
Current total: (-19)

J-WOWW (58)
— Put the pet lobster, who has already been named Charlie, in fresh water and kills it (-4)
— Offers half-hearted apology to Sammi for the note (+2), but Sammi doesn’t even turn to look at her (-4)
— Controls the urge to beat up Sammi, which disappoints us greatly. We were kinda jonesing for a rematch between the two, who have provided the best scuffle of the season thus far (-5)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 49

RONNIE (-2)
— Acknowledges Sammi is totally wishy-washy, which is probably why he’s able to treat her like crap, then charm her back into his bed (-2) — When Sammi talks about how gross and pervy the Sitch is, Ronnie not-so-gently reminds her that she hooked up with him early on. Touche, Ron! Annnnnd, he’s back in the black (+6)
Net gain/loss: +4
Current total: 2

PAULY D (122)
— Gets more space in his room with Angelina’s departure (+3)
— Appears to be hitting on randoms in clubs. Wasn’t he just all sprung on Rocio? What happened to that storyline? (-5)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current total: 120

CURRENT TOTALS:
Vinny: 146
Pauly D: 120
J-Woww: 49
The Situation: 38
Snooki: 35
Ronnie: 2
Angelina: (-16) (left show)
Sammi: (-19)

You know, we’ve been guilty of ridiculing Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino for wearing his sunglasses inside at night.

But as a contestant on Dancing With the Stars, it seems the Jersey Shore star has found the perfect place to wear his darkened spectacles. If there’s any place a person needs their shades after 8 p.m., it’s watching the cornea-shattering array of costumes that light up the dance floor each week.

With the season well under way, there have already been plenty of ensembles worth admiration and/or cringes. Only one person can take home the mirror ball trophy, but several can claim our special fashion awards:

MOST ANGELIC: Bristol Palin
While much of America sees Palin as kind of a fallen angel/teen mother, DWtS brought out her innocent side during the fox trot. In a gorgeous white gown with tasteful detailing, simple makeup and a side chignon, she looked she was ready for the senior prom. For a few moments, we forgot that she actually a young girl shrouded in controversy because of her mother’s politics and her lapse in birth control. We’re rooting for you, Bristol!

PLEATHER NIGHTMARE: David Hasselhoff
Dear America, Never have we been so encouraged by your taste and intelligence than when you voted off The Hoff during week one. As it is, we’ve already had some traumatic flashbacks to his “Sex Bomb” cha-cha-cha, during which he wore a bulky pleather jacket with a high collar and sequins. And the outfit only got worse when he stripped off the jacket to reveal a skin-tight sequined shirt. That, plus his gross sex faces during the dance, made us happy that we’d only have to see him dance once.

BEST CLEAN-UP: The Situation
Before Mike Sorrentino joined the cast of DWtS, we couldn’t have imagined him in anything but a bare stomach, a wifebeater tank or some skin-tight, brightly-colored, graphic print t-shirt. So when he strutted out in an all-black black, military-inspired suit during week two for his quick step routine, we were like, “Whoa! We’ve got a situation on our hands — The Situation looks like … a gentleman!” Especially when worn with the humble pie he was forced to exude after yet another clumsy dance.
For once, we were able to see what all the fuss was about — until we watched Jersey Shore the following Thursday. Then we were back to being grossed out.

LESS IS MORE: Jennifer Grey
Not only did the Dirty Dancing star earn the highest marks in week one, she also hit the costume jackpot. In a simple flowy, gray gown with just enough sequin sparkle, this is a dress that could actually be worn again, to a black-tie event or swanky New Year’s soiree.

WORST ANIMAL PRINT: Michael Bolton
Honestly, Margaret Cho’s flourescent-tassel-trimmed zebra print was just as tacky as Michael Bolton’s Dalmatian-print jacket during jive week. But the fact that Bolton also had to crawl out of a dog house wearing said fashion monstrosity gives him the undisputed advantage in this category. The fact that he got skewered by judges, then booted the next night is just salt in the wound.

BEST TOLERATION OF CHOKERS: Audrina Patridge
The minute Audrina emerged for her quick step in week two, we had flashbacks to a similar outfit Melissa Rycroft was saddled with during her stint on the show: A midriff-baring, sequined, fishnet-inspired top hung from a thick, gaudy blue sparkly choker. Audrina’s yellow, fringed, week one bra top was also based on a hulking, bejeweled choker.
We are amazed that she has been able to turn in such graceful, apt performances while wearing seemingly uncomfortable and constricting neck pieces. (Although she did tolerate Justin Bobby for all that time, which is sort of like an albatross…)

SWISS MISS: Florence Henderson
And by ‘miss,’ we don’t mean a young girl. We mean someone swung at a target and missed it by a mile.
Inspired by The Sound of Music, this costume had so much potential. We could have even lived with the white sparkly shirt and forest green, faux-lace-up vest. But the silken skirt was such a nauseating green color, it just took over the whole look. What this outfit needed was a bottom that complemented the top half, not competed with it.

BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME: Brandy
It isn’t Halloween unless you run into one adult dressed as a naughty school girl, and Brandy’s jive outfit from week two fits that bill perfectly. From the plaid miniskirt to the thigh-high stockings to the girlish ponytails, everything was accounted for … except the perverts.

PLEATHER NIGHTMARE 2.0: The Situation
Any time costume designers employ pleather, the results aren’t usually pretty. To their credit, they did highlight The Situation’s best physical assets. However, their mode for doing so only reminded us of his vulgar, oversexed Jersey Shore persona. With pleather trim; studded, pleather shoulder pad thingies; a zippered front and see-through base, we felt dirty — as though we’d just stayed overnight in the smoosh room.
Luckily, we have DVR so we could hop in the shower before finishing the show.

Nobody in the Jersey Shore house respects Angelina. That’s not a new development, but in this week’s episode, the mounting tension was enough to send the self-proclaimed “Kim Kardashian of Staten Island” back to her stomping grounds.

Angelina packed her bags and left Miami, but not before punching The Situation in his grill and rolling around on the floor with Snooki in a hair-pulling battle extraordinaire.

In other highlights, Mike pledged allegiance to Canada — for a night, at least — and Snooki made a list of all the things she wanted in a boyfriend. Too bad the list didn’t include “Angelina’s sloppy seconds” because that’s what she came home with a few nights later.

On to the countdown!

ANGELINA (-2)
— Gets mad because Mike called her a ho (-4), punches him in face (+3)
— Wants to leave the house, but Jenni encourages her to stay — this winds up being the last act of kindness extended to her in the house (+2)
— Has a girl friend in town, and goes out to decompress after her fight with Mike (+3)
— At the club, chews a giant wad of gum with her mouth wide open (-2)
— At home, while Mike has sex in another room, she sleeps in Mike’s bed with Jose. Didn’t she just punch him five seconds ago? Who does that? (-5)
— Refuses to admit that she should have asked to crash in Mike’s bed (-2)
— Tension builds; she goes off on everyone and calls them all fake. The writing is on the wall… (-3)
— While everyone is at the club, she packs her bags to go home but sticks around to tell them about her departure in person (+3)
— The group comes home, and Snooki arrives holding hands with one of Angelina’s many dudes (-3)
— She and Snooki get into two rounds of physical altercations. Nothing like going out with a bang! (+4)
— Angelina tells everyone off and leaves the Miami house. This time, nobody tries to stop her (-10)
Net gain/loss: -14 
Current total: -16

THE SITUATION (69)
— Gets punched in the face by Angelina (-5)
— Does not end up with a shiner (+4), but even if he did, nobody would see it because he wears sunglasses 95 percent of the time anyway (-3)
— Calls a cab and continues to give his name as “Situation,” even when two different people don’t get it. God forbid he just say Mike to make things easier (-3)
— His Canadian girl from last week shows up and agrees to stay the night with him before they even go out (+2)
— At the club, she tells off another woman for flirting with Mike, and calls him “my man.” Um, have you ever seen this show before? That man belongs to anyone and everyone (-4)
— They have sex, and she moans so loud and vividly that MTV couldn’t even play the audio. It’s about this time that we start wondering: Do Dancing With the Stars judges Len, Bruno and Carrie Ann ever watch this show? And if so, what do they think of this guy? (+3)
— While Mike is in the smoosh room, Angelina and Jose sleep in his bed without asking (-5), but at least they didn’t bone (+1)
— The next morning, gives half of his breakfast sandwich to the Canadian. Lord knows she worked up an appetite (+2)
Net gain/loss: -8
Current total: 61

SNOOKI (54)
— Makes checklist with qualities that describe her ideal man. Entitled “Guido Juicehead Gorilla,” the inventory includes things like, “isn’t a jerk-off, nympho, likes pickles, likes to sleep in, and romantical.” Hopefully, she adds “doesn’t own a dictionary” (-4)
— Mentions the Ed Hardy store as a place to find such a man. Perfect! It’s a little known fact, but dudes who wear Ed Hardy actually believe romantical is a word (+2)
— At the club, makes out with one of Angelina’s dudes, and is wearing a skirt so short her lady parts are exposed (-4)
— After arriving home with said dude, takes out giant hoop earring in preparation for her fight with Angelina (+1)
— After an intense hair-pulling spectacle breaks up, she’s ready for round 2. She may not be big, but she’s got cajones, fo’ sho (+3)
— Emerges from fight mostly intact, but is missing one of her nasty slippers (-2)
Net gain/loss: -4
Current total: 50

PAULY D (125)
— After the Mike and Angelina chaos breaks out, politely asks Angelina’s beach guy to leave so they can work out the house issues (+2)
— Leads a discussion among the guys about why Angelina sucks, applying the double standard that Angelina shouldn’t bring home so many dudes to get down with. “Guys do that, not girls.” (-3)
— Wakes up the entire house in a totally annoying voice (-4), but nobody seems to mind (+2)
Net gain/loss: -3 
Current total: 122

J-WOWW (61)
— When Angelina first considers leaving, Jenni goes out to give her a pep talk, telling her she deserves to be there (+2)
— Boyfriend Tom leaves and she’s sad (-2)
— Wears a bikini top that probably fit her perfectly before her implants. It’s like using a dime to try and cover up a queen-size bed (-3)
Net gain/loss: -3 
Current total: 58

RONNIE (-8)
— Drives the guys in the car, where they are subjected to a rotting chicken and cheese sandwich left under the seat (-2)
— During the Snooki/Angelina fight, hops up on kitchen counter to get a bird’s eye view (+3)
— Delivers the line of the night, talking about how any fight with Snooki is an unfair match-up: “It’s like beating up a baby, she’s so little.” He then said she had arms like a T-Rex. Ronnie just may make it out of the points hole this season after all (+5)
Net gain/loss: +6 
Current total: -2

VINNY (127)
— Makes breakfast sandwiches for the house (+3)
Net gain/loss: +3
Current total: 130

SAMMI (-7)
— Didn’t do anything of significance this week (+0)
Net gain/loss: +0 
Current total: -7

CURRENT TOTALS: Vinny — 130
Pauly D — 122
Situation — 61
J-Woww — 58
Snooki — 50
Ronnie — (-2)
Sammi — (-7)
Angelina — (-16)

Photo via film.com

While the caliber of “stars” has generally been questionable on Dancing With the Stars, the current season scored some A-listers where reality television is concerned.

Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino gets more press than many legitimate celebrities, and Audrina Patridge had a lead role on the now-defunct-but-hugely-successful Hills for six seasons.

Since both new dancers were spawned by vapid MTV programs, we have been looking forward to the two having to, you know, earn their keep on DWtS. Learning to quick step well enough to satisfy Len’s rigorous demands is a far cry from being served bottles of liquor in the VIP section of a L.A. nightclub and flexing your abs in front of a mirror all day.

It’s work. Real work — something we’ve been dying to see these two do for a long time.

So, who are we putting our money on to make it the farthest? Let’s compare them in various categories and find out in a TV Throwdown!

BODY
We dare you to name two reality stars whose bodies were better designed for DWtS than Audrina and the Situation. His abs are his trademark, having earned him everything from romps in the smoosh room, to fitness products endorsements, to tabloid headlines. Heck, even Florence Henderson wanted to stroke his magical muscles last Monday, which was both creepy and slightly fascinating.
Still, even though the Sitch will no doubt go shirtless a time or two, Audrina’s the one who will take it home in this department. She’s got a bangin’ body that will be on display in the skimpiest of outfits for as long as she lasts on the show. I mean, aside from the waltz and the quick step gowns, don’t 95 percent of women’s DWtS costumes involve more skin and sequins than actual fabric? That’s a win-win situation for her.
SITUATION: 0
AUDRINA: 1

PERSONALITY
One key to a great performance on DWtS is bringing some energy and charisma to each dance. And if there’s one area where the Situation is not lacking, it’s personality. Like him or not, he’s never at a loss for words. And even though he’s conceited, he can also laugh at himself, which will be key.
Meanwhile, we’ve seen more character from Audrina in one episode of DWtS than we saw in six seasons of The Hills. But to compete with Situation, you’ve gotta bring your A game — and the best she can do is about a C+.
SITUATION: 1
AUDRINA: 1

FAN BASE
No doubt about it: The Hills had a huge following during its heyday, and Audrina was a big part of the package. After Lauren Conrad, Whitney Port and Heidi Montag all left the show, she was the only original cast member to last to series finale. But even so, she always felt like more of a support character than a leading lady.
On the other hand, the Situation IS Jersey Shore. And just when we thought no show would ever be as huge as The Hills once was, Jersey Shore has shattered network ratings once boasted by the California Girls. So to sum it up: The Hills *used to be* really popular. Jersey Shore is really popular *right now.* That’s going to amount to more votes for Mike.
SITUATION: 2
AUDRINA: 1

TALENT
It’s only been one week of performances and Mike has barely had any time to practice, so we’re willing to cut him some slack. But DWtS is a competition that focuses on grace and precision, and we’re not entirely sure that a guy known for bedding random women and wearing sunglasses at night has what it takes to become the next Fred Astaire. Or even the next Steve Wozniak for that matter. Furthermore, it’s a bit harder for meatheads to appear nimble and coordinated, in our humble opinion.
After seeing Audrina’s difficult opening routine on the ballroom dance floor, we have pretty high hopes for her in the future. We were pleasantly surprised at her athleticism — and unlike Mike, she doesn’t have a bunch of other irons in the fire. As far as we know, this is her sole means of employment right now, so she’s bound to take it seriously and extend her 15 minutes a bit further. We’re betting on Audrina here.
SITUATION: 2
AUDRINA: 2

OTHER AUDIENCES
One of the reasons DWtS is so popular is because of its universal appeal and family-friendliness. Surely, a large portion of its audience probably has/had no interest in Jersey Shore or The Hills. That means Mike and Audrina both have a chance to win over new fans.
We have a sneaking suspicion that the Situation, his vernacular and constant tomfoolery will be more polarizing than endearing. Audrina isn’t all that interesting, but she seems more harmless because she’s not constantly bragging, pointing to her body parts, and shaving stupid designs in her hair.
If it comes down to a vote between the two, we think Audrina an edge at picking up non-fan votes — and therefore, will make it further on DWtS in the long run.
SITUATION: 2
AUDRINA: 3

Bottom line: MTV’s reality shows lack any kind of substance, so both reality stars are fish out of water here. But we think Audrina will take it a bit more seriously, has the refinement required to do well in the performances and more potential to win over other, older fans.
That being said, we wouldn’t be surprised to see Mike pull a coup. He’s probably slept with enough women to keep him alive in the show for weeks. And if those ladies are voting, even Jennifer Grey better watch out.

Which tortured soul has the best shot at happiness?

Photo via www.film.com

At first glance, it seems as though serial killer/blood spatter analyst Dexter Morgan and Mad Men’s alcoholic ad exec Don Draper couldn’t possibly have much in common.

But if you crack open the put-together exteriors of both TV characters, you’ll know they contain incredibly damaged goods. Both gents are also at an important crossroads in their story lines — will they make an attempt at the straight life and find happiness? Or will they spiral down the drain of destruction and lose everything?

Don (Jon Hamm) is about two episodes into his attempt at self-improvement, and with Dexter (Michael C. Hall) set to return to TV Sunday as a widowed father with a heavy heart, we wonder: Which man has a better chance at being truly happy?

So, we matched up our two favorite Sunday-night dudes in different categories to predict a winner.

FAMILY
Dexter and Don have recently had devastating upset in their immediate families. Don’s alcoholic and philandering ways led to a divorce, which dragged him deeper into his alcoholic stupor. And Dexter’s wife, Rita, was brutally murdered at the end of last season by his nemesis.
We can’t envision Don ever getting back together with Betty, but at least he has a chance to have a decent parenting relationship with her and take a more active role with the kids. (Heck, little Sally wants to move in with him!) Dexter will never get a chance to do anything else with Rita; and although he does have the children, he will forever have to shoulder the guilt from Rita’s murder. That’s a heavy burden to carry for the rest of his days, which is why he loses this round.
DON: 1
DEXTER: 0

HELP
Since both men are immensely private, it’s no surprise that neither has a best friend — and they’re also both single. So who’s there to catch them when they fall?
Don’s extended family are all dead, and his close friend that knew all his secrets just died from cancer. So his most staunch ally now is probably his co-worker/mentee, Peggy.
At least Dexter has a sister, Deb, who would go to the ends of the Earth for him, no matter what. She will be his rock during the months to come — and he’ll need it.
DON: 1
DEXTER: 1

DEMONS
OK, we admit: It’s impossible for anything to compare to Dexter being a serial killer. Still, drinking so much that you black out for days and forget your fathering duties isn’t exactly the makings of a stellar role model, either, Don.
At least Dexter is secretly ridding the world of other sociopaths. Many of Don’s problems are public, and he’s often traumatizing the people who rely on and care about him the most…in public. At this point in time, Don — the brains behind the Sterling Draper Cooper and Pryce ad agency — stands the most to lose. However, if Dexter gets caught, three children will be orphans and his sister may never recover when she learns Dexter’s true nature. Sorry, Dex, but that’s a big, fat Fail.
DON: 2
DEXTER: 1

WORK
Both men’s jobs contribute to their vices. Because of his position in the crime lab of the Miami Police Department, Dexter is able to use work files, computers and detective work and track down serial killers before his detective counterparts can assemble all the pieces.
Over in Don’s office, the ad execs are pouring whiskey on the rocks by 9 a.m. and napping on their couches by 11. Is it any wonder Don’s blood alcohol level is probably at a constant .10? In this case, Don has it tougher because his vice is both legal and encouraged. So Dexter wins this round.
DON: 2
DEXTER: 2

SOCIAL LIFE
Seeing as Dexter doesn’t have much of a social life, perhaps this isn’t a fair category. But we’ve never known anyone to have a truly happy life without being able to blow off some steam with friends every now and then. Sure, Dex infrequently goes bowling with his misfit work friends to keep up appearances of being a normal guy. But the people he has the most in common with are the killers that he murders. That’s probably not going to cut it in terms of socializing.
Don, meanwhile, has never let his job or his family get in the way of consorting with friends and/or lady friends. If he can maintain his recent practice of alcohol in moderation, he might just live up to the image he portrays to strangers — a happy, put-together, successful man. Don Draper takes it all home!
DON: 3
DEXTER: 2

Bottom line: Dexter, we love you. But Don can eventually go to Alcoholic Anonymous if he needs to, and if he meets a woman that can keep him interested, he’s got a shot at love, too.
We’re not sure another Rita will ever come along for Dex. But it doesn’t matter, because his “dark passenger” will always make his relationships a threesome, his late-night activities will always be suspect, and his family will always be in danger. How can he ever be content knowing that the thing that gives him the most pleasure will also undo everything he holds dear? A tortured soul he will remain…

Dexter airs at 9 p.m. Sundays on Showtime. Mad Men airs at 10 p.m. Sunday on AMC.

Just when we think we’ve seen it all on Jersey Shore, those rascally kids go and throw us for a loop.

In a special Sunday night episode, Pauly D and Vinny actually met women that they didn’t want to have sex with. The two met some ladies they felt were worthy of — get this — taking out into public and planned a double date. The duo went beyond their usual routine of Gym, Tanning and Laundry, expanding their preparations to include the purchase of button-down shirts and fresh flowers, and got haircuts. But, not all went according to plan when one of the smitten gents spend his date night all dressed up with nowhere to go.

In other events, Vinny’s family paid the crew a visit and Angelina juggled boys like a pro… until Mike ruined it for her.

Here are the numbers!

VINNY (117)
— Gets a visit from his mother and family (+3)
— Mom literally brings a suitcase full of food, which includes his favorite cake. Moms are awesome (+2)
— Mom makes a three course meal so huge that the roommates have to lay down and rest between courses. Um… can we get Vinny’s mom’s phone number? (+4)
— Vinny’s uncle calls Mike “The Sanitation” and Jenni, “J-Whoa!” (+3)
— Meets a girl that he wants to get serious with. “She’s the kind of girl you take on a date.” (+2)
— Has no idea how to ask a girl out. Stumbles around and then tells her he needs a sympathy date. Gee, could you make yourself seem any less desirable? (-4)
— Break dances when she accepts (+2)
— Goes out and gets a fresh haircut, buys a shirt with buttons and a bouquet of flowers (+5)
— She calls back and cancels; he hangs up on her (-3)
— He calls her again and begs for her to go. “Please, please, please, pretty please? Please?” Oh God, it’s breaking our hearts (+2)
— She reconsiders, and says she’ll meet him. He jumps up and down like a small child (+2)
— Woman stands him up and the show ends with him sitting on the couch, depressed, and a lone bouquet of flowers resting on the bed. Poor Vin-Vin (-5)
Net gain/loss: +13
Current total: 130

PAULY D (104)
— At work, he has a jar for phone numbers instead of a jar for tips (+2)
— The girls he and Mike bring home from the bar leave because they have boyfriends (-3)
— That’s OK because he’s got a pocket full of phone numbers (+1)
— He actually gets someone to come over for a booty call at 6 a.m. While we’re grossed out by a girl that gets out of bed to go mate with a random after the sun comes up, we are impressed that Pauly has that kind of pull (+2)
— Later meets a girl “that you can take home to your mother.” He takes her out on a date. Yes, you read that right (+4)
— Gets a haircut, a new shirt and flowers for the woman. This is unheard of on this show (+6)
— Is shown just after a shower with his hair wet and somewhat normal. Until now, it had been an object of wonder, sort of like Bret Michaels’ “hair” (+3)
— Has a romantic side and says this is the kind of girl who could make him settle down. Who knew? (+2)
Net gain/loss: +17 
Current total: 121

THE SITUATION (89)
— Thinks Angelina should tell Jose that she had sex with Vinny, because he seems to think they’re more serious than she does. We agree, but it’s none of his business (-3)
— “Steals” a girl from Vinny at the club, just to prove that he can. Isn’t it enough that he’s making $5 million this year? Now he has to show up his boys, too? (-2)
— Karma strikes. The girl comes home with him, but then leaves because she has a boyfriend. HaHAAAA (-5)
— Makes a bunch of booty calls at 6 a.m., but has no luck (-3)
— Cooks an egg and ham sandwich for brekkie and watches Pauly D have sex from about 2 feet away. Does anyone else think that’s abnormal? (-4)
— Offers him a bite of the sandwich while he’s getting down, which reminds us of the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza eats a hoagie in bed. And we laugh (+3)
— Threatens to tell Angelina’s dude that she’s been playing musical beds. MYOB! (-2)
Net gain/loss: -11
Current total: 78

ANGELINA (27)
— Rolls out of bed with Vinny and answers a phone call from his mother. It should be somewhat awkward, but since Vinny is only one of three current hook-ups for Angelina right now, it’s really not (+2)
— The day after she has sex with Vinny, brings her squeeze, Jose, over to the house for his birthday. As Mike said, “Happy birthday! I just screwed my roommate!” (-5)
— The same night, brings home some other guy, Alex, from the bar. Yes, she’s entitled to do whatever she wants, just like the guys. The difference is the guys aren’t pretending to date someone while they’re getting their rocks off. We like Jose (-3)
— Mike also likes Jose, because he threatens to spill the beans about Vinny if Angelina doesn’t tell him herself (-2)
— She winds up telling him they “hooked up,” but didn’t specify whether it was just kissing, or the kind that involves the shedding of clothes and application of condoms. After all, another Fossil watch may be on the line (-1)
Net gain/loss: -9 
Current total: 18

SNOOKI (74)
— Is grossed out that Vinny had sex with her frenemy/roommate, Angelina, since she also recently had sex with him. Could this show get any more revolting? (-4) Net gain/loss: -4 
Current total: 70

SAMMI (-6)
— Eagerly offered to help Vinny’s mom with dinner (+3)
Net gain/loss: +3
Current total: -3

J-WOWW (78)
— Laid low this week (+0)
Net gain/loss: +0 
Current total: 78

RONNIE (-5)
— Laid low this week (+0)
Net gain/loss:
Current total:

CURRENT TOTALS:
Vinny — 130
Pauly D — 121
J-Woww — 78
The Situation — 78
Snooki — 70
Angelina — 18
Sammi — (-3)
Ronnie — (-5)

Lessons to be learned from Thursday’s episode of Jersey Shore:
1. When you wake up to ripped-out hair extensions, five fingernails from two different women, and an abandoned, half-eaten turkey sandwich on the kitchen floor and have no idea what happened, you drank too much.
2. Having two broken fingernails is apparently an acceptable reason for calling in to say you’re not going to work.
3. The JS “community smoosh room” is a petri dish for STDs and nastiness.
4. If you’re horny, it’s OK to have sex with your mortal enemy.

Last night, some of the Jersey Shore kids were lovers, some were fighters, and some were both. The show kicked off with the second half of the J-Woww/Sammi fracas, and then meandered into places that we never want to think about again. Like Snooki and J-Woww disinfecting the the “smoosh room,” where the boys have performed many a random sex act, often simultaneously, without ever cleaning it or changing the sheets.

But the sparkle in the palace of one-night-stands didn’t last for long, as Snooki christened it with a random guy she picked up from the bar the night before and got the germ factory hopping all over again. In other gross sex news: Vinny and Angelina fought like cats and dogs, then mated like rabbits.

These people must be keeping Trojan in business! Or at least, I hope they do.

On to the numbers…

SNOOKI (83)
— Keeps insisting to Sammi that Angelina wrote The Letter, too. (Angelina was not present for the actual writing, but she did advise the girls on its content) (-2)
— Says she is not white. On job applications, she checks “other” in the ethnicity box and writes in “tan” (-3)
— Meets a guy, Dennis, at the bar and brings him home (+2)
— He starts fixing himself tacos in their kitchen (-1)
— Once in bed, Snooki has tiny conversations with him in between moans of pleasure, keeping Jenni awake all night (-4)
— Tells Jenni she didn’t smoosh on the first night (+1)
— With Jenni cleans community smoosh room, which has been used dozens times by the guys without as much as a wipe down (-5)
— Rightly so, the two ladies construct body condoms out of trash bags before tackling the chore. A hazmat suit would have been better, but you’ve gott work with what you’ve got (+2)
— Invites Dennis over to have sex. She’d never do it on the first night, but if she’s known him at least 24 hours? No problem! (+3)
— Has sex in a sparkling clean smoosh room, allowing Jenni to rest (+4)
Net gain/loss: -6 
Current total: 77

VINNY (122)
— Gets shoved by Ronnie after instigating the girl fight; somehow does not get pulverized (+2)
— Is frustrated because nobody else sees “the shadiness that is Angelina” (-3)
— Angelina claims to be “the Kim Kardasian of Staten Island,” but Vinny says she’s the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island and calls her an ugly b*tch (+1)
— Vinny picks up a Hooters waitress at the bar — “she’s a classy girl,” he says — and brings her home to smoosh (+4)
— After fighting with Angelina for days, gets drunk and makes out with her in the car after a night out (-3)
— Ends up taking her to his bed for sex; he’s the third roommate to ride that train (-5)
Net gain/loss: -5 
Current total: 117

ANGELINA (33)
— Angelina’s boy-toy, Jose, comes to Angelina’s job dressed in a suit, and brings her a new Fossil watch (+4)
— Gets into several yelling matches with Vinny, says she hates him (-2)
— In a revenge move, tells Mike’s sister, who Vinny has been trying to hook up with, that he had sex with Snooki (-3)
— Threatens to trash Vinny’s name on Staten Island, where they both live (-1)
— After days of battling Vinny, gets drunk and makes out with him in the back of cab on the way home while the other roomies stare in stunned silence. Forgiveness is a good thing, I guess (+2)
— Ends up having sex with Vinny later that night. Now she’s had sex with three of the four roommates. Inquiring minds want to know, though: Was she wearing Jose’s Fossil? (-6)
Net gain/loss: -6
Current total: 27

J-WOWW (95)
— Was the favorite in the fight with Sammi, but got clocked in the face (-4)
— Got angry with Ronnie and came after him; had to be held back. We all know Ronnie will shove a girl if he feels like it… not the smartest move on her part (-2)
— Regrets writing The Letter because Sammi stayed with Ronnie anyway (-3)
— The day after the brawl, has a scheduled work shift with Sammi and Ronnie (-5)
— Calls in to work with a broken nail. Seriously, can’t she at least pretend to have a more urgent matter at hand? (-4)
— Misses out on a night of sleep because Snooki was moaning and rolling around with Dennis all night. Is not smart enough to go sleep on the couch (-4)
— When she asks Snooki’s dude to bring over a dude for her to hang with, he brings a male grenade. She retreats immediately (-3)
— Is only person in the house who hasn’t had sex with a roommate. (She did mess around with Pauly D in season one, but they didn’t do the nasty.) (+8)
Net gain/loss: -17
Current total: 78

SAMMI (0)
— Lands a punch on J-Woww and is largely considered the victor of their kitchen melee (+3)
— Too bad we all know that she’s channeling her anger toward the wrong person (-5)
— Laments that Ronnie isn’t that romantic. Really? We thought he was a real Price Charming (-2)
— Says she’s revolted by Jenni, that “it’s sickening to look at her.” (-2)
Net gain/loss:-6 
Current total: -6

RONNIE (-1)
— Jumps between Sammi and J-Woww’s fist fight. Is able to break it up because neither woman can reach past his beefy body (+2)
— Gets mad at Vinny for instigating fight and pushes him. Everyone loves a bully! (-3)
— Takes Sammi out to a romantic dinner; wears a thin white t-shirt with flourescent designs. Got forbid he actually wear a shirt that buttons for his date (-4)
— Thinks The Letter helped their relationship and brought them closer together. (Read: The Letter gave Sammi someone else to focus her anger on, so that Ron could come away unscathed) (+3)
— While Sammi sits on floor talking to Ronnie, he simulates humping the back of her head. Man, he must give her butterflies (-2)
Net gain/loss: -4
Current total: -5

THE SITUATION (91)
— Told Angelina she was a big bitch in New Jersey, but she’s better now. There’s nothing as heart-warming as a back-handed compliment (-2)
Net gain/loss: -2 
Current total: 89

PAULY D (113)
— Wakes up the day after fight to find hair extension, fingernails and a smashed sandwich, but missed all the fireworks that erupted the night before because he was passed out (-5)
— Barges up to the door on Snooki’s smoosh session. Nobody ever bothers the dudes when they’re getting some. We’re disappointed in you, Pauly. (-4)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 104

CURRENT TOTALS: Vinny — 117
Pauly D — 104
The Situation — 89
J-Woww — 78
Snooki — 74
Angelina — 27
Ronnie — (-5)
Sammi — (-6)

  Forgot to post this up last week! Part two tonight!!!

It takes a special kind of jackassery to make Danielle Staub look like the sane Real Housewife of New Jersey. But within the first 12 minutes of the reunion show Monday night, Teresa Giudice pulled out all the stops, creating a scene that more fit for Bad Girls Club than the supposedly-dignified and upper class Real Housewives.

When Danielle dared mention Teresa’s family, Teresa sprang up from the couch and got in Danielle’s face, unleashing a string of obscenities that would make Jerry Springer blush. Host Andy Cohen tried to stop the episode, only to get thrown aside like a rag doll. (But to be fair, bankrupt Teresa’s probably got some pent-up frustration, having not been able to spend money freely without the media up in her business about every penny.)

When a reunion gets off to this kind of start, we can’t help but keep score. After a harrowing season of Character Countdowns, we reset all the ladies’ numbers to even playing ground … and we also added Cohen because, hey, he’s right there in the trenches.

Everyone starts with 50 points, and we’ll go from there. Part two of the reunion airs Sept. 6.

3, 2, 1…

TERESA (50)
— Says she doesn’t like Jersey Shore because one of the girls was promiscuous, and she “wasn’t raised that way” (+3)
— She segues into talking about Danielle’s sex life, putting the ex-stripper on blast for sleeping with a family friend loud enough for all the kids to hear. It’s bad enough the children had to hear it. We do not want to imagine Danielle doing U-turns in the sheets, Teresa (-2)
— Danielle mentions Teresa’s family and Teresa LOSES HER EVER-LOVIN’ MIND. She jumps up, leans over Danielle and roars so loud, it looked like one of those old Memorex commercials. Oh right. So she was raised this way. That’s way better than being a slut (-7)
— Within seconds, she drops so many swears we had to rewind it twice to count them. We’re still not sure we got them all, but here’s what we were able to make out: 15 f***s, 2 sh*ts and 8 bitches. There may also have been a c-word or two. There was more bleeping than a test of the Emergency Broadcast System (-12)
— Andy tries to pull her away from Danielle; she throws him off of her like she’s in a cage-fighting match. Where are Andy’s bodyguards? (-5)
— After several people finally calm her down, she returns to her perch on the couch, but is out of breath after her Tasmanian Devil tirade (-2)
— Does not look happy during the video montage of all her excessive spending (-2)
— Says Joe didn’t tell her about their financial troubles. It’s so heartwarming to see a marriage with open and honest communication (-5)
— Answers Andy’s financial questions vaguely, and plays totally dumb about the auction of items from her home even though it’s been all over the news. Denial, anyone? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -36 
Current total: 14 

DANIELLE
— Allegedly tried to have Dina’s daughter taken away, which is why everyone hates her (-5)
— Walks off stage quietly as Teresa behaves like a rabid beast. Danielle should have run, actually, but in her defense, she was wearing skyscraper stilettos (+6)
— Admits she’s a rabblerouser, which may be the first and only transgression she’ll cop to (+2)
— Is accused of sleeping with Greasy Danny and breaking up his marriage. Gross (-3)
— In a rare moment of empathy, tells someone to get Caroline a tissue when she’s crying over some video of her son (+2)
— Says her kids don’t watch the show and don’t really know what happens on it. Riiiiight (-5)
— Jacqueline says Danielle’s children cry in the office at school every day. We have no idea how she knows this, but we totally believe it (-10)
— Danielle denies saying things right after she says them. She’s either smoked waaaay too much pot in her day, or is a complete sociopath (-4)
— Avoids many pointed questions from Caroline and Andy by simply turning her head in silence. I guess this is her way of pleading the 5th? (-3)
— Blames her sketchy reputation on Bravo’s editing. Lady, please. You did those things on camera or they wouldn’t have been on the show. Own who you are or go home(-5)
Net gain/loss: -25 
Current total: 25

CAROLINE (58)
— Looks fabulous, tells Andy she’s lost 25 pounds through portion control (+5)
— When Teresa goes nuts, Caroline tries her best to diffuse the situation (+2)
— Unfortunately, it’s like trying to put out an electrical fire with a water hose (-3)
— Tells Teresa she doesn’t recognize her when she acts like this: “If you were this person, I wouldn’t be your friend.” (+3)
— Cries when she sees footage of son Albie struggling with school, and has nothing with which to sop up her tears (-2)
— However, her makeup somehow remains intact (+3)
— Although she sometimes comes off holier-than-thou, remains mostly dignified through the show (+2)
— Says video editing can’t be blamed for anything; that she owns up to all her behavior, good and bad (+1)
— Challenges Danielle on several things, but Danielle is more slippery than a piglet in grease (-3)
Net gain/loss: +8
Current total: 58

JACQUELINE (50)
— When Teresa flips, Jacqueline just sits and laughs. What a great friend! (-3)
— Reveals that Danielle’s children cry at school every day to try and prove they’re damaged because of Danielle. Instead, it makes us feel more sorry for D’s kids because now everyone knows they’re screwed up on the inside. Nice work, Jax! (-5)
— As Teresa struggles to answer several pertinent questions regarding finances, her husband’s DUI and the like, Jacqueline interrupts and takes over the answers. Um, we want to hear from Teresa. You’ll get your little segment next week, Jacqueline. Shut up! (-3)
— On the other hand, she sticks up for Teresa, so we know she means well (+2)
Net gain/loss:-9 
Current total: 41

ANDY COHEN (40)
— Four minutes into the show, is already reigning in personal attacks that have gone off-topic and way too far (-1)
— Actually succeeds in changing subject, which is no small feat because these ladies can beat a dead horse like nobody’s business (+3)
— Tries to wrangle Teresa during her explosion, gets tossed back into his chair like a limp rag (-5)
— We just noticed he has this crappy, pinter little chair while the Housewives are all perched on plush, cushy couches. Why is Bravo dissin’ my man like that? (-4)
— While they wait for Danielle to return to the set, he banters politely with Teresa. He seems a little nervous now, and we can’t say we blame him (-2)
— Calls Danielle out on oversharing with her children (+4)
— Asks Teresa questions we all want answers to, but can’t squeeze much out of her without Jacqueline hijacking the answers (-2)
— Unless we missed it, does not have the alcoholic beverages he usually has on the after-shows on the day he needs it most. We hope he sucked one down during a bathroom break (-3)
Net gain/loss: -10 
Current total: 40

CURRENT REUNION TOTALS:
Caroline — 58
Jacqueline — 41
Andy — 40
Danielle — 25
Teresa — 14

Oops, forgot to post last week!

Note: Each cast member started off the season with 100 points. Every week, they earn or lose point based on their decisions or things that happen to them. — WM

Jersey Shore without a fist fight is like a TV without a remote control. What’s the point, really?

Luckily, after a handful of semi-civil episodes, Jersey Shore got back to its roots with some good, old-fashioned swearing showdowns and brawls.

With tension building between Sammi and J-Woww, it was only a matter of time before the acrylic claws came out. Jenni was fed up with Sammi’s denial, whining and stupidity over Ronnie’s cheating. Meanwhile, Sammi embraced a Kill the Messenger approach, taking out her scorned-woman anger on Jenni, while Ronnie remained mostly unscathed.

Ahhh, it’s modern-day Shakespeare, isn’t it?

In other events, The Situation got his groove on with another nameless blonde; Snooki and Vinny had an overnighter; and in between all the madness, they all sat down and had a nice, dysfunctional family dinner.

On to the countdown:

J-WOWW (94)
— Goes to the beach with Snooki and Angelina, where they discuss Sammi and The Letter. Much of what Jenni said was bleeped out. If none of these people swore, this show would only be, like, 15 minutes long every week (-3)
— Gets into colossal screaming match with Sammi because Sammi wouldn’t go outside to talk to Snooki. Yes, apparently that’s all it takes to set a huge fight in motion (-2)
— She rubs in that Ronnie is a huge cheater, but she gets points for this because Sammi is stupid enough to stay with Ronnie (+3)
— Goes grocery shopping for hours with Snooki. Even though all the girls were supposed to make the guys dinner, Jenni cooks for eight with a little help from Snooki (+8)
— After Angelina drums up some drama after a night of drinking, J-Woww and Sammi argue again. J-Woww throws the first blow, and Sammi gets in one punch before MTV left us hanging until next week. Now here are the Jersey Shore kids we knew and loved from last season (-5)
Net gain/loss: +1 
Current total: 95

SNOOKI (81)
— In a drunken stupor, tests out all the guys beds to see which is the most comfy because she wants to cuddle. She picks Vinny, the least slimy of the bunch, so at least she’s still got standards when she’s wasted (+2)
— Instead of cuddling, they have sex with no apparent strings attached. This could be a reality show first! (+3)
— Tells Sammi she smooshed Vinny, but otherwise stays quiet about it (+1)
— Wants to tell Sammi that she and Jenni wrote The Letter, but Jenni pretty much forbids her from doing so (-4)
— In order to cook for the boys, calls an ex — “a professional cook” — to get a recipe. Makes a grocery list with a jumbo blue crayon (+2)
— Gets distracted by pickles in the grocery store and loses shopping list (-4)
— Is the only one that helps Jenni make dinner (+2)
Net gain/loss: +2
Current total: 83

SAMMI (21)
— While the other girls are out, The Sitch tries to make Sammi understand that Ronnie is playing her. That’s right, her boyfriend’s friend is trying to talk sense into her and she still doesn’t want to acknowledge it. What’s it going to take? An STD? (-4)
— Returns to her bed to cry for a while (-1)
— Tells the girls, “that letter destroyed me.” Um, it was a piece of paper. Ronnie destroyed you, moron (-3)
— Even though the girls’ cooking dinner was all her idea, she doesn’t lift a finger, except to throw some lettuce in a bowl and call it a salad (-4)
— Is pissed at Jenni, and purposely doesn’t eat anything she cooked. She only eats her lettuce (-2)
— Takes out her frustration and humiliation on everyone else in the house, but still is talking to Ronnie somewhat normally (-3)
— Gets into two full-on cat fights with Jenni, the second of which comes to blows. Sammi punches Jenni in the face before the show ends for the week. Apparently, this is the only show on MTV that doesn’t kick you off for violence. In fact, it’s expected (-4)
Net gain/loss: -21 
Current total: 0

VINNY (113)
— Gets woken up from a dead sleep by a drunken Snooki (-3)
— She wants to cuddle, he obliges and he ends up getting no-strings sex out of the deal (+4)
— He falls asleep with one hand cupping her breast (+2)
— Snooki tells Sammi about the encounter and reveals that Vinny is hung. This is never bad news for a guy (+8)
— When Mike’s sister visits, Vinny pulls out all his finery — a fitted baseball cap, an imitation diamond chain and his best t-shirt — to try and impress her (+3)
— Giggles like a school girl when she arrives, which grosses us out because she looks exactly like Mike (-4)
— Overhears Angelina lie to the roommates and say that J-Woww was talking smack about Pauly. He tells Jenni, because it’s always a really good idea to hash out problems when everyone has been drinking (-1)
Net gain/loss: +9 
Current total: 122

THE SITUATION (100)
— Tries to set Sammi straight about Ronnie: “He’s 100 percent wrong. He’s making you look horrible.” (+3)
— Later on, tries to stir up some trouble by telling Sammi that everyone is outside talking about her (-2)
— Picks up a blonde in the bar, and on the way back to the house, receives “services” in the back of the cab (+4)
— Upon arriving home, deposits blonde in his bedroom while he heats up a meal to, um, recover enough to have sex with her. So classy! (-3)
— Pops his head in to offer her food, but doesn’t invite her to at least come out and speak to him while he eats (-2)
— Immediately after smooshing the blonde, goes out and talks to his roommates for a while, then kicks blonde out. It’s a total jerk move, but at the same time, she couldn’t have expected this to turn into a relationship. We didn’t even get to know her name (-4)
— Gets hit on by a tranny in the club, and he’s the last one to realize it (-5)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 91

PAULY D (119)
— Is shown waking up in the morning, and the back of his hair looks exactly the same, even after sleeping on it all night. We are super curious to know what hair products he uses. Has any men’s magazine done a feature on this yet? (+2)
— Gets obliterated at the bar; makes out with Angelina in car. Per Vinny: “Pauly’s so wasted, he’d hook up with me right now” (-5)
— Is put to bed by Ronnie, who is, at least, this season’s resident expert on getting too drunk (+1)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current total: 113

ANGELINA (42)
— Tells Sammi that the other girls wrote the letter. We all knew this was coming at some point… (-3)
— Makes out with Pauly D in the car, giving her ammo to act a fool next time she gets jealous again at the bar (-2)
— Tells a blatant lie about J-Woww when everyone is drunk. Vinny tells Jenni, and World War III breaks out (-4)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 33

RONNIE (-3)
— Remained mostly inconspicuous for the first time this season. However, when everyone in the house is talking about the letter and its contents, Ronnie tries to deflect the attention from his activities by talking smack about the cowardly letter-writers (-3)
— Keeps his hands, lips and nether regions to himself this week. Wonders never cease! (+5)
Net gain/loss: +2
Current total: -1

CURRENT TOTALS: Vinny — 122
Pauly D — 113
J-Woww — 95
The Sitation — 91
Snooki — 83
Angelina — 33
Sammi — 0
Ronnie — (-1)

Previous episodes countdowns: Ep. 1, Ep. 2, Ep. 3, Ep. 4, Ep. 5

For most of America, the Emmys will begin Sunday long before host Jimmy Fallon steps on stage. The real party kicks off when the limos start spitting out celebrities onto the red carpet — and the fashion winners (and losers) are revealed.

It’s the one portion of the evening guaranteed to clip along at a nice pace, which is good for us, because that means we can scrutinize a smorgasbord of carefully plotted-out ensembles as reporters conduct their interviews.

And it probably goes without saying that we look forward to some fashionable stars more than others. Here are the ladies we’re looking for to make a splash on the red carpet:

Whether Lea Michele is wearing a brightly-colored frock, a short, sassy dress or a stunning black gown, the Glee star and best actress nominee is always a show-stopper. She’s a fashionista at heart, and it shows every time she steps on the red carpet. We’re especially excited to see what she’s got planned for this year’s Emmys, since the event falls on her birthday.

Not only is Julianna Margulies a Golden Globe winner for her role on The Good Wife, she’s an expert at looking simultaneously elegant and smoldering. She has a knack for choosing dresses with tasteful sex appeal, through, say, a well-placed cutout, a bare shoulder or a super-fitted bodice.

Last year’s best actress winner Toni Collette is hit and miss on the red carpet. But when she hits, she hits hard. Last year’s red strapless Oscar dress was a winner, as was her sparkling Golden Globes gown. Collette is at her best in bright colors, an up ‘do and natural makeup, so that’s what’s on our wish list for her this year.

Sofia Vergara hasn’t met a sheath gown that didn’t love being draped atop her buxom, curvy body. The Modern Family actress is most often adorned in dresses that hug, if not display, her cleavage. She’s the kind of woman that your husband gawks at on the flat-screen and you can’t even get irritated because you’re gawking, too.

Gossip Girls Leighton Meester and Blake Lively have earned a rep for being just as fashionable in real life as they are on the show. But it was Lively’s va-va-voom red hot 2009 Emmy dress with a plunging neckline that left us anticipating this year’s red carpet pick.

We also can’t help but expect a lot from the ladies of Mad Men. We are so used to seeing them in awesome, stylish period clothes on the show, that we always have high hopes for their red carpet arrivals. In a dream world, Christina Hendricks will wear a body-hugging turquoise or deep purple gown, and January Jones would try to sex things up a bit. She’s gorgeous, and we’re ready to see her in a bombshell look. But this year, we’re really rooting for Elisabeth Moss, who, like her character, is often a little bit off in the fashion department. We hope your stylist does you proud, Elisabeth.

How could you not look forward to seeing what Project Runway mastermind Heidi Klum wears to the Emmys? Last year, she was hugely pregnant and still rocked out the red carpet. And now that The Body is back to her normal, runway-perfect self, we expect nothing short of spectacular in 2010.

Note: Each cast member started off the season with 100 points. Every week, they earn or lose point based on their decisions or things that happen to them. — WM

I think it’s fair to say that nobody on any reality show has ever spent more time sulking in bed than Sammi on Jersey Shore. At best, she’s been in maybe five scenes that did not involve her being buried underneath her comforter. And that includes season one.

Not that we blame her. If we’d been dating meathead/cheater/liar/scumbag Ronnie, we’d probably want to hide from the world, too. At any rate, Sammi finally found out about his philandering ways after finding in her drawer an “anonymous” note (read: J-Woww and Snooki wrote it) that detailed all his extracirricular activities.

It wasn’t nearly as satisfying as we thought it would be, because now Sammi isn’t even changing out of her shredded black minidress before she tucks herself in to cry. Luckily, a few other shenanigans were afoot in episode five … and many of them also involved beds.

Here we go!

(See our Jersey Shore glossary here.)

SAMMI (43)
— Gets excited because Ronnie kisses her on the lips before he leaves the house. Enjoy it now, sister, because you’re about to find out where those lips have been (+3)
— Finds typewritten note in her drawer that puts Ronnie on blast (-5)
— Must leave bed to individually asks each person in the house if they know anything about the note, or Ronnie doing those things. Everyone lies to her face (-5)
— For some reason, does not confront Ronnie. Instead, he has to come to her once he finds out about the note (-3)
— After he admits to many things in the note, she keeps trying to talk to him. Some people never learn (-4)
— Immediately after fight, catches Ronnie on the phone with his side piece from back home. NOW, will you leave this ass alone, please? (-3)
— Goes to bed in her black, shredded dress; pulls comforter over head; sobs (-5)
Net gain/loss: -22 
Current total: 21

RONNIE (14)
— Is eating breakfast without a shirt. Not even the shirt before the shirt (-3)
— Vinny tells him about the note Sammi found. He runs off to find her (+2)
— He reads the note and suspects Jenni and snooki wrote it, but then backtracks because it contained the word “wisely.” “Snooki doesn’t use that kind of vocabulary.” Funny (+3)
— In the diary room, he admits he’s “not a saint. If I went into a church, I’d burst into flames right now.” Yet, his shirtless body boasts huge tattoos of a cross and praying hands. WWJD? the exact opposite of Ronnie (-4)
— Tells Sammi her loves her, and admits to several things in the note (+1)
— But then follows it up with, “but I come home to you!” Yes, that’s why she’s pissed. She now knows what you were doing before that (-6)
— Is walking around the house with plumber’s ass. If he only had on a shirt, we wouldn’t have to see his crack (-3)
— Immediately after fighting with Sammi, finds his little black book of numbers and calls his “friend” at home. Their incredibly flirty conversation indicates they’re likely more than friends. He knows Sammi will hear him and clearly wants to pour salt in the wounds (-7)
Net gain/loss: -17
Current total: -3

SNOOKI (77)
— Decides to give boyfriend Emilio another second chance. If there’s one thing I don’t miss, it’s being young and stupid about guys (-3)
— Calls Emilio, who gets mad that she and J-Woww hung out with gay men that night. We don’t really understand his reasoning, and neither does she… (-2)
— They argue, she dumps him and hangs up on him. Twice. Now, there’s the Snookums we know and love! (+5)
— Burns pictures of Emilio outside. The key to closure, she says, “get everything that reminds me of him out of my room.” Works for us! (+4)
— Tells Sammi she has no knowledge of the note (-3)
Net gain/loss: +4 
Current total: 81

J-WOWW (97)
— Is an awesome, supportive friend when Snooki is depressed about her break-up (+3)
— Slips the infamous note in Sammi’s drawer and runs. She means well, but does she really think this is going to be anonymous? Did she forget about the MTV camera crew? (-2)
— When confronted by Sammi, lies about writing the note. Digs the hole deeper by reminding her that she wasn’t even out with them that night… how on earth could she know about what Ronnie was doing? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 94

THE SITUATION (90)
— Shows off abs in the club. Honestly, why does he even bother wearing a shirt? (-1)
— Kisses multiple women in the bar; has three-way kiss (+2)
— Brings home two girls from bar (+2)
— Two other girls show up at the house for him as well (-3)
— Masterminds a plan to keep the two sets of women separated. Leaves two girls with Vinny and Pauly, then finds a way to separate another girl from her grenade friend so he can smoosh. We can’t believe it worked (+4)
— Sleeps with someone named “Kristine, or Kristin, or whatever her name is.” (-3)
— Gets into a fight with Angelina; insults her; later apologizes. That all about evens out (+0)
— Cooks Sunday dinner, which includes meatballs as big as softballs (+5)
— Does not directly tell Sammi “Ronnie cheated on you,” but implies that the note is true. Yes, it violates the bro code a little bit, but we don’t really care (+4)
Net gain/loss:+10 
Current total: 100

VINNY (115)
— Gets first action of the season, and this time, it wasn’t his boss’ girlfriend (+3)
— When confronted by Sammi, lies about Ronnie’s activities (-2)
— Later tells Ronnie that Sammi found the note. Nice of him to give Ronnie a heads up; it’s not like this news would be under wraps for long (+1)
Net gain/loss: -2 
Current total: 113

PAULY D (121)
— Comes home from MVP night with a woman who’s DTF (+3)
— When confronted by Sammi, lies about knowing Ronnie’s activities. He loses more points than the others, because a flashback shows him not only watching everything go down, but alerting the other guys to Ronnie’s creepin’. And laughing (-5)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current total: 119

ANGELINA (47)
— Talks on the phone all day, complains about being bored, but won’t help clean up around the house (-3)
— Gets into a yelling match with The Sitch, threatens to hit him if he doesn’t quit bothering her (-2)
Net gain/loss: -5 
Current total: 42

CURRENT TOTALS:
Pauly D — 119
Vinny — 113
The Situation — 100
J-Woww — 94
Snooki — 81
Angelina — 42
Sammi — 21
Ronnie — (-3)

Previous episodes countdowns: Ep. 1, Ep. 2, Ep. 3, Ep. 4

Anyone that was gunning for an explosive Real Housewives of New Jersey season finale was probably a bit disappointed. After all, it’s hard to live up to Teresa’s table-flipping temper tantrum that wrapped up season one of this drama-filled reality show.

But we’re not complaining. During the season, we were treated to all manner of verbal and physical altercations, gun-toting felons and two-faced backbiting. In Monday’s finale, Caroline, Teresa and Jacqueline’s families actually still wanted to see each other after after going to Italy together, so they met for two giant group dinners.

And knowing that Danielle Staub was let go from Housewives, this finale — in which Danielle and Caroline met in an attempt to squash the drama — did offer some closure.

And not to worry… there was still plenty of scoring to do!

CAROLINE (168)
— At Teresa’s house for dinner, Caroline asks Jacqueline about Ashley, while ultimately leads to — you guessed it — a convo about Danielle (-2)
— Sums up Danielle’s offenses more thoroughly and succinctly than any other cast members. She’d make a good editor (+4)
— Decides to go meet with Danielle. Er, we mean, is forced by Bravo to meet with Danielle in order to create buzz for a season finale scene (-3)
— Cannot contain her excitement, and texts Danielle on the spot from the dinner table (-1)
— “I will never start a fight, but I will never back down from one either.” Cue Tom Petty (+3)
— Even though she means Danielle no physical harm, Danielle is afraid of her and arrives with an armed entourage of dudes. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe I’m not watching a sitcom (-4)
— Secures a private dining room for meeting because she doesn’t want a scene to ensue, but we think it’s because meeting with Danielle at this point is embarrassing (+1)
— At dinner, Caroline’s daughter takes Jacqueline’s daughter under her wing and tries to coach her on how not to be a jerk (+2)
— Meets with Danielle. Remains mostly calm, makes all her points (+2)
— Eventually loses her poker face, calling Danielle a “clown” and “garbage.” Hey, it was bound to happen, but she comes off a little high and mighty in this scene (-3)
— Returns to dinner with her, Teresa’s and Jacqueline’s families, gives them the low-down, and declares the wicked witch dead. Figuratively, of course (+5)
Net gain/loss: +4 
Current total: 172

DANIELLE (-198)
— When Caroline sends a straight-forward text that says, “I’d like to put an end to all the nonsense,” Danielle finds a way to twist it into a personal affront (-2)
— Danielle’s youngest daughter questions her mother’s decision to see Caroline. “What normal person would want to go?” Honey, your mommy isn’t normal. And we’re sorry that every, single one of your school friends know that now (-4)
— Danielle: “I’m not in fear no more.” You’re not in school no more, either, are you? (-5)
— Wait, there’s more! “I don’t want anything to do with them, so I’m going to go.” Um OK. I don’t want to be hungover, so I’m going to drink a gallon of vodka (-4)
— Danny visits, and the two call Caroline the “puppeteer” behind all the skirmishes with the other women this season, including the “country club attack.” If only she thought that much about you, Danielle (-3)
— Tries to compare Caroline to Carmela Soprano, except she calls her Carmello. The key to making pop culture jokes is to get them right (-5)
— Brings a driver, bodyguard and “men with guns” to her meeting with Caroline for protection. Is anyone else out there watching this? Why isn’t she being committed to a crazy house? (-3)
— Remarkably, she keeps her cool and doesn’t go completely bonkers on Caroline. Someone must have taken their Xanax! (+5)
— When asked point blank by Caroline for examples of when Caroline had ever bothered her, could not come up with any and tried changing the topic (-3)
— Calmly walks out after Caroline calls her garbage (+2)
— Rants outside to bodyguards, who clearly could not give two sh*ts about this 47-year-old woman’s girl-fights (-3)
— Scores a funny line, directed at the way Teresa dresses her daughters: “My daughters wore lace and crenoline at those ages. My dogs wore leopard.” (+3)
Net gain/loss: -22 
Current total: -220 

JACQUELINE (58)
— At initial dinner, Caroline calls Ashley a loose cannon, and tells Jacqueline to reign her in (-3)
— Calls Danielle “revengeful.” Even though it’s technically a word, it doesn’t sound like one (-1)
— Trying to talk Danielle out of pursuing the court case against Ashley is the only reason Caroline wants to meet with her (-3)
— Ashley on Danielle: “She’s like herpes. She won’t go away!” Actually, Bravo used some Valtrex on Danielle and she is going away for season three! (+4)
— At group dinner, Ashley interrupts, yells at, and disrespects Jacqueline. Wonder how many times I’ve written that sentence this season (-3)
— Ashley runs off to hide in the bathroom and cry (-1)
— Ashley gets herself together, returns to dinner and apologizes to her mom (+3)
— According to the epilogue, Jacqueline’s goals are to lose her baby weight and be free of Danielle. Both of those seem doable, so good for her (+2)
Net gain/loss: -2 
Current total: 56

TERESA (46)
— Cooks dinner for Jacqueline and Caroline’s families wearing a cocktail dress with one lace sleeve. That’s so crazy, that’s exactly what I wore when I was cooking tonight! (+3)
— Husband Joe spills wine all over Chris. Will his alcohol problems never end? (-1)
— Has a much happier season finale, and is joyful that are as close as family (+5)
— Aaaaand… is still denying that their house is in foreclosure (-2)
Net gain/loss: +5
Current total: 51

Congrats to Caroline, who easily came out on top this season!

FINAL TOTALS:
Caroline — 172
Jacqueline — 56
Teresa — 51
Danielle — (-220)

Note: Each cast member started off the season with 100 points. Every week, they earn or lose point based on their decisions or things that happen to them. — WM

Here’s the thing: If you have to ask your friends at least 20 times whether your boyfriend is cheating on you, your relationship probably isn’t on stable ground.

But if the friends — who are always out with your boyfriend — refuse to give you a straight answer? That should really tell you all you need to know.

Still, Jersey Shore’s Sammi continues to believe the best of Ronnie, who goes creepin’ at the bar every night, only to come home and hop in bed with her. And everyone knows except for her. However, J-Woww and Snooki wrote her a letter to tell her everything, and the previews indicate she’ll know next week.

We are anxious for the situation (that’s with a lower case ‘s,’ not a capital) to come to a head, because pretty much every episode thus far has revolved around this debacle of a relationship. We are ready to get back to the carefree JS ways of GTL, smooshin’, and grenade launching.

Still, though their screen time was much less, other Shoreans managed to rack up some points in other ways. (Also, this week: Click on any of the above links to see our new Jersey Shore glossary!)

RONNIE (40)
— After leaving Sammi in bed, goes out and grinds with girls; asks for numbers. I feel like I could just cut and paste this entry from week to week (-5)
— Gets home at 6 a.m., and goes to his own bed for once. And it’s a good thing because Sammi is pissed (+4)
— Calls Sammi a bitch. Gosh, we can see why she loves him so much. He treats her like a queen! (-5)
— Tells her he loves her, then tells her he hates her; wash, rinse, repeat (-6)
— Eats dinner without a shirt. Nothing but klass! (-3)
— After verbally abusing Sammi most of the episode, and admitting in the confessional that their “relationship” is crap, asks her “Do you wanna go to bed with me?” (-4)
— Blames Sammi for things not working out, and tells the confessional he hasn’t done anything wrong. Is it opposites day? (-3)
— My husband just called him a neanderthal (-5)
— Gets so Sloppy Joe that he requires babysitting. We’re sure we don’t have to tell you who volunteered (-2)
— Falls on floor in drunken stupor; smashes his melon against wall. Maybe it will knock some sense into him, to just break up with Sammi once and for all (+6)
— Projectile vomits into toilet. Thanks, MTV, for airing the sound effects (-3)
Net gain/loss: -26
Current total: 14

SAMMI (63)
— Asks the girls if they know anything about Ronnie’s extra-cirricular activities. Friends will reassure you when A) they know for a fact everything is OK, or B)they think everything is OK. But if they’re silent/dodgy and avoid eye contact every single time? You’re up the creek, no paddle included (-8)
— When Ronnie is still out after 4 a.m., she shatters some dishes in frustration. Too bad she’d still have to wait two more hours for him to arrive (-3)
— On an outing, Ron lambasts her (again) and she declares it over (again). But then she returns to the club to talk to him anyway, he ignores her, she chases him down and he speeds away in the taxi (-5)
— When he is reduced to a puddle of alcohol, she goes home with him and takes care of him. Sigh (-6)
— “I’m happier with Ron than not with Ron.” Really? OK, from here on out, Sammi will earn points when Ronnie treats her like dirt, because she obviously doesn’t think she deserves any better (+5)
— Says she would never, ever be friends with the other girls if they knew Ron was cheating and didn’t tell her. Looks like Sammi’s gonna have to meet some new pals in Miami… (-4)
Net gain/loss:-20 
Current total: 43

SNOOKI (80)
— Calls her boyfriend. He’s drunk, tells her he’s surrounded by naked girls and tells her to f off (-5)
— She says all men are jerks, “and that’s why the lesbian rate is going up in this country.” Snooki, the sociologist (+2)
— Boyfriend calls later that night, says he slept with someone else (-3)
— She comes unglued, using the f-bomb as a noun, verb and adjective before slamming down the phone. Somwhere, her former English teachers swell with pride at her versatile vocabulary (+3)
— With Jenni, types out an “anonymous letter” that will tell Sammi everything Ron’s been up to. While we’re glad Sammi will finally find out, it’s a ridiculous way to handle it, so it evens out (+0)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 77

J-WOWW (91)
— Won’t come out and tell Sammi anything specific, but strongly suggests that Sammi should “stay single.” That’s the closest anyone has come to telling her, so we’ll throw her a bone for that (+1)
— Answers the phone and goes off on Snooki’s boyfriend, calling him a loser, while ridiculing him about his lack of employment. Jenni is definitely someone you want in your corner (+4)
— Comes up with the idea to send an anonymous letter to Sammi. Stupid idea, but her heart is in the right place. At least she’s taking some action (+1)
Net gain/loss:+6 
Current total: 97

ANGELINA (65)
— When asked directly by Sammi multiple times about Ronnie’s behavior at the club, she lies to her face. Since she’s the one who’s witnessed all of it, it’s a little worse for her. Plus, she did so while promising Sammi that if she knew anything, she’d definitely let her know. A lie, layered over another lie (-7)
— Farts outside in the open air and it still smells. Truly a lady in every sense of the word (-5)
— After agreeing that the anonymous letter is a good idea, tells the other girls she doesn’t want to be involved (-3)
— You just know Angelina is going to spill the beans, but Sammi would have figured it out. That’s just not a thing the guys would do (-3)
Net gain/loss:-18 
Current total:47 

VINNY (109)
— Compares Ronnie’s vomiting to The Exorcist (+4)
— When he meets some ladies in law school, delivers another successful one-liner: “I don’t want girls (that are) studying for finals. I want girls studying for d**k.” As a woman, I hesitate to give point for this, but his delivery of the line won me over (+2)
Net gain/loss: +6
Current total: 115

THE SITUATION (82)
— Cooks dinner for all of his roommates. Does so without wearing sunglasses (+6)
— Dinner is almost ruined when he accidentally dumps sauce on the floor (-2)
— He recovers by improvising in the kitchen. Sometimes, we forget there’s more to this man than his ego and his abs (+4)
Net gain/loss: +8
Current total: 90

PAULY D (125)
— Goes with the guys to complete the third phase of GTL, but the laundromat is closed (-4)
Net gain/loss:-4 
Current total:121

CURRENT TOTALS: Pauly D — 121
Vinny — 115
J-Woww — 97
The Situation — 90
Snooki — 77 
Angelina — 47
Sammi — 43
Ronnie — 17

Previous episodes countdowns: Ep. 1, Ep. 2, Ep. 3

Aug 19, 2010

If Bravo has its way, there will never be a week that America has to go without some sort of Real Housewives fix — and we couldn’t be more thrilled about it.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta return to the small screen at 9 p.m. Oct. 4. Kandi, Kim, NeNe and Sheree will continue to terrorize The A with their divalicious shenanigans, and two new faces will join in the fun. (Lisa Wu Hartwell is leaving the show.)

If Cynthia Bailey looks familiar, it’s because the Alabama-born supermodel has graced the covers and fashion spreads of national magazines, has starred in a movie and had a guest role on The Cosby Show. Her storyline will revolve around her relationship with her boyfriend of three years, Peter Thomas, who likes her so much he wants to put a ring on it and has issued her an ultimatum.

Cynthia has a 10-year-old daughter, and is already friends with NeNe, but their friendship will grow during the upcoming season as they bond over man issues.

Entertainment attorney Phaedra Parks is the managing partner in her practice, which caters nationally to entertainers and athletes. She’s a friend of Dwight and Kandi’s, and is expecting her first baby with her younger, ex-con husband, Apollo. His prison time is was earned in”white collar crime.”

By far the most disturbing news is that A) Sheree is taking up acting and plans to win an Oscar someday (watch out, Halle Barry!) and B) Kim is continuing her charade of a singing career.

That gives you about a little more than a month to get yourself a set of ear plugs.

Aug 19, 2010

You know that something unthinkable has happened when Bravo decides to fire the very person that brings the most drama to The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

But that’s exactly what happened this week, when it was announced that Danielle Staub would not be returning for season three. We all know the eternal victim has the police on speed dial. Maybe she called the fuzz on Bravo cameras? Or maybe her gun-toting felon friends became too much to contend with.

Honestly, though, we won’t miss her. We’re sure the other ‘wives can scrounge up some mischief.

But Danielle’s firing also inspired us. Why not do some more television clean-up? We can think of several other people should be retired. Like, immediately.

JAKE PAVELKA
We’ve heard great things about the Lifetime show, Drop Dead Diva, and we were planning to work it into our DVR rotation. But we had second thoughts when we heard Pavelka scored an acting gig on the show. From The Bachelorette to The Bachelor to Dancing With the Stars to a drama series? Will this madness ever end?
TV, please, prepare this egomaniacal pilot for takeoff — and have him land somewhere else, where we won’t see him anymore.

KELLY BENSIMON
Whenever The Real Housewives of New York City are in session, we salivate at the drama that unfolds each week. And while Kelly provided much of it, it became depressing to watch her scenes because, clearly, she was a few slices short of a loaf. (“Satchels of gold!”) To watch Kelly become delusional and paranoid, yet remain clueless about it, was not only quite sad, it was kind of scary. She needs to avoid the cameras and get to a therapist.

RYAN LESLIE
Speaking of mentally unbalanced, have you been watching The Real World: New Orleans this season? This blonde hairstylist kid, Ryan, is a total wreck. Completely unpredictable and highly emotional, Ryan is constantly picking fights with all his roommates, most notably Preston. Ryan shredded Preston’s favorite beanie with a knife (!), rubbed his cigarettes on his buttcrack (!!) and stole his debit card (!!!). (But when Preston peed on Ryan’s toothbrush, Ryan called the cops and tried to have him arrested.)
Ryan has expressed interest in acting, and told The Times-Picayune newspaper that he wants “to be out there, be seen and be heard.” Please do NOT let that happen. Nobody wants to see bootleg version of Spencer Pratt.
Oh… and speak of the devil…

SPENCER PRATT
So far, so good. Ever since The Hills petered out in popularity and finally ended, and wife Heidi Montag kicked him to the curb, we haven’t seen or heard much of Spencer Pratt. And that’s just the way we like it.
Villains are fun to watch on reality TV when they’re largely organic. (Janice Dickinson comes to mind.) But Spencer made no secret of the fact that he was a Class 5 Fame Whore, so you know his every move was carefully plotted to get him the most attention. When the show wasn’t airing, he created more chaos to keep his mug front and center on all the tabloids.
Hopefully, his reign of terror is officially over.

DINA LOHAN
Two years later, we are still stumped as to why in heaven’s name Dina Lohan got her own reality show, Living Lohan. This is a woman who has capitalized on her own daughters to get famous herself. Even when it was obvious Lindsay was a hardcore party girl, Dina was right there at the club with her being photographed. She used her younger daughter, Ali, as her sidekick on the reality program.
Every time Lindsay has legal or addiction issues, Dina is all over the place, putting herself in the spotlight — yet none of her comments do anything positive for Lindsay. At one point, she let Entertainment Tonight follow her to Lindsay’s rehab center. Mother of the year!
Dina needs to spend less time seeking media opportunities and more time giving her daughter the support she needs.
We’re rooting for Lindsay to come out on top, because honestly, she barely had a chance with her parents. Don’t even get us started on her dad, Michael…

BROOKE BURKE
There’s no denying Brooke Burke is beautiful and sweet. Or that she seemed like a natural fit for many of her endeavors in life, most notably hosting E’s “Wild On…” But once she started co-hosting Dancing With the Stars, one thing became painfully clear: She’s better suited to scripted material. On the surface, her job — which involves interviewing the couples backstage after they dance — doeesn’t seem that tough, especially considering that she’s competed on the show herself.
But instead, it was awkward, sometimes painful, to watch her conduct even the shortest of interviews — and it didn’t really get much better as she settled in to the job. We don’t necessarily think she should be banned from all of TV, but DWtS needs to re-think their hosting roster. They need someone quick, that can think off the cuff, not stumble around blindly during interviews.

TARA THORNTON
Rarely do brilliant TV dramas have throwaway characters, but we cannot think of one positive thing that True Blood’s Tara Thornton adds to the show. To put it bluntly, Tara, who is Sookie’s best friend, is useless and annoying. (If you don’t believe us, type “Tara True Blood annoying” into Google and see what happens. 85 percent of the results call for her to be killed off or changed to a vampire.)
Sadly, her only purpose on the show is to have horrible things happen to her. Her mother is a raging, abusive alcoholic; she was controlled be a mythical creature all of last season; her boyfriend was shot and killed; and now she’s being stalked and raped by a maniacal vampire. That’s just for starters. While we don’t wish death upon anyone, this woman needs to be put out of her misery.

TILA TEQUILA
The petite bisexual rose to fame for commandeering millions of MySpace friends, got her own dating show on MTV, and became a C-level celeb. But lately, Tila’s only televised appearances have all involved some kind of tragedy.
Last year, she was allegedly choked by Shawne Merriman; in January, her lesbian partner, Carey Johnson (and heir to Johnson & Johnson) was found dead. Heavy stuff. Then, last week, she was injured after being pelted with stones and feces as she was rapping (what?) at an Illinois concert.
Sometimes, laying low is healthier than trying to remain relevant. There’s really no coming back from people throwing poop at you.

Even if you’re a fan of Jersey Shore, it can sometimes be hard to keep their many catchphrases straight.

Was that a landmine or a grenade? Was he creepin’ or trying to smoosh? Knowing the answers to these questions may not be a matter of international importance, but it can help you better understand the highly intellectual conversations that take place between The Situation and his housemates.

So when the Shore kids’ lingo got up to four acronyms — GTL, MVP, IFF and GFF — we decided it was time to lay everything out in writing. We’ll update this file as necessary, too.

Fist pump!

Beat up the beat : A term used to describe the group’s dance moves in the club. Per Pauly D: “That’s what we say when we’re doing our fist pump. First we start off banging the ground. As the beat builds, it’s like the beat is hittin’, so we’re fighting back. We are beating up the beat.”

Creepin’: On the prowl for a hook-up at the bar. Example: Ronnie and Sammi got into a fight and now he’s out creepin’.

Double-bagger: A repulsively homely man or woman. “You put a bag over your head in case the one on her head falls off.” Example: I got so drunk last night, I ended up coming home with a double-bagger.

GTL: An acronym for “Gym, Tan, Laundry” — the ritual the guys perform each night before they go out. Example: We’ve got to get our GTL on!

Gorilla: A very muscular man; a meathead. Also referred to as gorilla juicehead. Example: I got myself a gorilla!

Grenade :”A bigger, ugly chick,” says The Situation. Example: The club was full of grenades.

Grenade Free Foundation: The Jersey Shore guys’ attempt to have a summer void of ugly chicks. Example: I am the president of the Grenade Free Foundation.

I’m F***ed Foundation: When you screw up so badly that nothing on Earth can fix it, you belong to this club. Also known as I.F.F. Example: When Sammi finds out about Ronnie, he’s the charter member of the I.F.F.

Landmine: Similar to grenade, “a thin, ugly chick.” Example: There are landmines and grenades everywhere.

MVP: Acronym for Mike, Vinny and Pauly. Example: It’s MVP night! No girls allowed — unless they’re in our beds!

Ron-Ron juice: A special alcoholic concoction that Ronnie makes in batches for his roommates. Example: I accidentally dunked my sleeve in the Ron-Ron juice and now it’s stained.

The shirt before the shirt :A wifebeater that the guys sit around in before they get dressed to go out. Example: Which shirt before the shirt should I wear? Black or white?

Sloppy Joe: This is when a person is drunk times ten million. Example: Did you see her rolling around on the floor over there? She’s Sloppy Joe, man.

Smoosh: To engage in sexual intercourse. Example: Bro, I smooshed her last night!

Aug 17, 2010

As season two of The Real Housewives of New Jersey draws to a close, it’s been nice to spend some time “relaxing” with Caroline, Teresa and Jacqueline on their Italian vacation.

Talk about Danielle was at a minimum, so we could all appreciate on the peace and tranquility that accompanies traveling with 20 people (including three terrorist children).

The crew made their way off the cruise ship onto a private charter bus, visited Naples, then headed to the small town where Teresa and Joe’s families live. And the footage actually gave us an idea for Teresa and Joe to help pay off their debt: They could mass-produce videos of their spoiled, bratty children and sell them as the most effective birth control available short of abstinence.

Back at home, Danielle continued the search for her biological mother, and showed off a new word she learned while butchering another.

Next week is the big finale, so get your fill of Danielle while you can. Reportedly, Bravo uninvited her to be a part of season three.

Ciao for now, bellas!

CAROLINE (166)
— Hates cruises, is relieved to get off the boat (+3)
— But is still, unfortunately, aboard the figurative ship of New Jersey fools (-2)
— Wait, make that a bus … and she’s crammed into the back row. She probably had more personal space on the boat after all (-1)
— Wants to sightsee with husband Albert, but feels pressured to stay with the the others (-2)
— Albert implies that he’d rather endure a Mt. Vesuvius eruption than reunite with the group. Amen, brother. Amen (+5)
— Has a touching moment with her parents and brother, Chris, on streets of Italy (+3)
— After Joe throws a tantrum on the bus, Caroline gets a case of the giggles. Finally (+2)
— At Teresa’s family’s house, everyone is speaking Italian and Caroline feels left out of the convos (-3)
Net gain/loss: +2
Current total: 168

TERESA (72)
— Husband Joe complains about how many handbags Teresa brought. Does this really surprise him at this point in their marriage? (-3)
— On the bus, Teresa, who is surrounded by her screaming children, doesn’t understand why Caroline is annoyed. It’s probably become white noise to her (-2)
— Arrive to hotel room in Naples, and her daughters discover a kiddie-size sink in the bathroom and try to wash their hands in it. Cleanliness is next to godliness (+1)
— Oh snap! That ain’t no sink; it’s a bidet! (-6)
— Teresa pronounces it “bow-dah,” Joe compares it to a douche. But both allow the kids to keep playing in it (-4)
— Upon leaving hotel after one night, Joe gets a bill for $2200. Sheesh, did someone steal a couple of robes or what? (-5)
— Pissed about the bill and trapped on a bus with 20 people, Joe grumbles and bitches and drops f-bombs left and right. At least he’s wearing a shirt, though (-2)
— When they arrive at family’s house, the group must walk up a ridiculously huge, cumbersome cobblestone hill to get there. Teresa wears four-inch heels, natch (-4)
— Sees her and Joe’s family members in a giant reunion (+5)
— At final dinner, has daughters dressed in custom, matching pink and black dresses. Apparently money grows on trees, even when you’re bankrupt (-3)
— Once they get home, Teresa has to tell Joe she loves him three times in a row to elicit a faint grunt from him. He’s such a charmer (-3)
Net gain/loss: -26
Current total: 46

JACQUELINE (49)
— Sums up Teresa’s kid-accessorizing succinctly: “If one of her kids didn’t have a bow on their heads, she’d make one out of toilet paper.” (+3)
— Is the only one who realizes that taking babies and old people on a hike up cobblestone streets in the sun might not be a wise choice (+2)
— Gets to Teresa’s family’s house, which is even bigger than the vacationing entourage. She can’t remember anyone’s name, so she and Caroline take advantage of the huge spread of food (+4)
Net gain/loss:+9 
Current total: 58

DANIELLE (-169)
— Starts to update her children on finding her birth mother, but somehow turns it into a session trashing the other Housewives. If she put as much energy into this birth-mother search as she does her cast mates, she probably wouldn’t need a private investigator’s help (-3)
— Doesn’t want her teenage daughter to use the word ‘butt’ because it’s vulgar. She has the best kids on the show … cut them a little slack, huh? (-3)
— Greasy Danny arrives wearing his trademark blue shirt, tells her the others are in Italy. How does he know? (-2) — Danielle admits she’s afraid to go to the grocery store because she might get attacked. Yeah, I’m sure Jacqueline is going to come after you with a bushel of organic carrots (-5)
— Shops at Market Basket grocery store, and it’s beautiful. You have to wear body armor and have a couple of glasses of wine to brave the Market Baskets where I live (+4) — Is keeping tabs on Ashley, calls her a special kind of crazy. She should know! (-3)
— Talks to private investigator about finding her mother, and uses the (non) word “ethninticity.” We had to rewind it to make sure we’d heard it right (-6)
— She’s “taking the bull by the proverbial horns,” and “was stabbed in my proverbial back.” (-3)
— Does not want to meet her mother if she’s an addict or homeless. “I’m not meeting her to make her better. I’m trying to make me better.” That Danielle, she’s just so giving (-3)
— Squeezes her dog’s squeaky toy multiple times and gets my two dogs riled up at 10:48 p.m. Thanks, Danielle! (-5)
Net gain/loss: -29 
Current total: (-198)

CURRENT TOTALS:
Caroline: 168
Jacqueline: 58
Teresa: 46
Danielle: -198

Note: Each cast member started off the season with 100 points. Every week, they earn or lose point based on their decisions or things that happen to them. — WM

We’re only three episodes into Jersey Shore, and it’s already getting so uncomfortable to watch.

Ronnie continues to go out clubbing, get sloshed and make out with other girls, and everyone but Sammi knows about it. That’s a problem, because he comes home each time and hops in bed with Sammi like they’re Couple of the Year.

Snooki and J-Woww are conflicted, because they feel like Sammi should know about his transgressions, but Ronnie is their friend, too, and they all live in the same house together. Fun!

Meanwhile, the other fellas coin a new catchphrase: “MVP night,” which is code for when Mike, Vinny and Pauly have a guy’s night out together. Can’t keep it all straight? Don’t worry. Next week, we’ll have a full Jersey Shore glossary to add to the Countdown…

After the maiden voyage of MVP, M and P bring home girls that accidentally set their rubbery, fake boobs adrift in the hot tub. Pauly D astutely points out that it looks like a chicken cutlet, and they guys proceed to play catch with it until the girls go home.

Finally, Angelina and the other girls mended fences.

It was a busy week!

RONNIE (76)
— Gets totally bombed at the club, picks a fight with Sammi, calls her another derogatory name, tells her to go home (-4)
— Ends up making out with another girl and grinding on her like he’s auditioning for a rap video (-5)
— Shoves little Snooki when she asks him about Sammi. This is not the first time he’s acted like a brute when drunk. Maybe he’s been hanging with Scott Disick? (-6)
— Comes home, makes some sexist comments, brags about getting a woman’s phone number, drops down on the floor drunk and giggling, then — wait for it — goes to bed with Sammi (-8)
— Hugs and kisses Sammi at work, calls her his girlfriend (-2)
— The next night, leaves his cuddle session with Sam to go clubbing with the guys (-3)
— Makes out with more bar flies. He’s even more of a jerk now because they’re supposedly back together (-10)
Net gain/loss: -38
Current total: 40

SAMMI (77)
— Goes home to bed after Ronnie treats her like dirt at the bar (-2)
— Lets Ronnie get in bed with her when he comes home, which is even more sad when you consider the limited space in their tiny twin beds (-5)
— Is momentarily happy when they get back together at the ice cream shop. (+2)
— “Tests” him the next night by telling him to go ahead and go out with the guys if he wants. A) Ronnie probably doesn’t pass many tests, scholastic or otherwise. B) Never give a guy the option to go out if you don’t want them to (-2)
— Was foolish enough to think he’d stay home with her (-3)
— Remains in the dark about his behavior because the other roommates feel stuck in the middle. Isn’t being called the c-word and a b*tch enough? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -14 
Current total: 63

ANGELINA (73)
— Is so drunk, she doesn’t think she slapped Pauly three times, even though it happened just minutes before (-3)
— The next day, doesn’t remember being a drunken ass, but realizes it must have been bad because nobody is talking to her (-4)
— Apologizes to Pauly. There’s a whole lotta next-day apologies in this house, no? (+2)
— Admits she talked smack about the girls, and all was forgiven with Snooki and J-Woww (+6)
— Invites herself to guy’s night out. Never a good idea (-2)
— Even when they flat-out say she can’t come, continues to try and tag along. Girl. Have some pride here, will ya? (-3)
— The guys end up running out the door and down the street to escape her. And let’s be honest: When these guys are running away from someone they know will probably sleep with them, she must truly be unwelcome (-4)
Net gain/loss:-8 
Current total: 65

SNOOKI (90)
— Tries to talk sense into Ron at the club (+3)
— Her effort is as successful as trying to run your fingers through Pauly D’s hair (-3)
— Gets pushed by a drunken Ronnie (-4)
— Is wearing a strapless leopard print dress with a white, regular bra underneath. Someone call the fashion police immediately (-3) — Calls her boyfriend totally ripped, can barely speak a complete sentence. That’s always what you like to hear on the other end of the phone when you’re in a long distance relationship (-3)
— Goes in to cuddle with Vinny afterward (-2)
— Forgives Angelina because she knows how it feels to be the outcast (+4) — At work, can’t see any customers or scoop ice cream because she’s too short (-2)
Net gain/loss: -10
Current total: 80

VINNY (98)
— Doesn’t think he’s too good for his job at the gelato shop. We love Vinny (+3)
— Goes to the hood barber shop to get a proper hair cut (+2)
— Cuddles overnight with Snooki, then has to answer the phone and talk to her boyfriend the next morning (-4)
— Is the only guy on the show that has any standards when he goes out, and serves as the voice of reason in most cases (+5)
— Scores the line of the night: After comparing the girls in the club to animals in the Bronx Zoo, he says, “Mike and Pauly would take home a stray dog if there were no girls left.” True dat (+5)
Net gain/loss: +11
Current total: 109 

THE SITUATION (84)
— Tries to fix the relationship between Angelina and the other girls. When he’s not showboating, he’s actually a pretty decent guy (+2)
— On guy’s night out, regains his clarity in time to realize they brought home grenades. See, Mike? There are benefits to taking off your sunglasses at night (+3)
— At work, business is slow, so he offers to go outside and take off his shirt to bring in customers. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried (-3)
— While people do stare, it doesn’t make anyone hungry for ice cream (-4)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current total: 82

PAULY D (109)
— Usually a happy, chill guy, Pauly develops a crazed look in his eyes when a drunken Angelina pushes him to the breaking point (-3)
— The next day, accepts Angelina’s apology but says they won’t be friends anymore because “your fun conflicts with our fun.” Couldn’t have summed it up better myself (+2)
— For MVP night, breaks out the red high top sneakers. Not really our style, but at least he branches out on the shoe department (+3)
— Escapes a grenade hook-up after a rubbery bra-stuffer gets loose in the hot tub and serves as a distraction. Calls it a chicken cutlet (+4)
Net gain/loss: +6
Current total: 125

J-WOWW (93)
— Gets woken up by the drunken brouhaha between Angelina, Pauly D and the Situation (-3)
— At work, is upset because her work t-shirt smashes her enormous breasts. Now we know why all her shirts have slits in them(-2)
— Ends up cutting a small V in the shirt to give herself more space (+3)
Net gain/loss:-2 
Current total: 91

CURRENT TOTALS:
Pauly D — 125
Vinny —109
J-Woww — 91
The Situation — 82
Snooki — 80
Sammi — 63
Angelina — 65
Ronnie — 40

Dear Italy: America apologizes for the jackassery that was foist upon your country by our Real Housewives of New Jersey during their recent vacation. Although their roots do lie with you, we hope you will forgive us. At least, perhaps, you were entertained during their visit?
Love,
Maisy

That’s right — after citing their difficult year, Caroline, Teresa and Jacqueline decided to take their very large families to Italy to get away from it all. ‘All’ being Danielle.

But to me, merely watching this trip (which was composed of 20 people, six of which were small children) unfold was totally, completely exhausting. Oh wait, I forgot about Bravo’s camera crew… that probably makes it about 30 people or so. Ahhhh, it sounds so serene!

The journey continues into next week, where the entire clan will go to Teresa and Joe’s family reunion. We never thought these words would escape my lips, but I think I’d have rather stayed the week at Danielle’s house.

Bon voyage!

TERESA (90)
— Joe gets into a car accident, receives a DUI, but says he wasn’t drinking (-2)
— According to Joe, the reason his blood alcohol level was so high is because he drank three or four shots at his dad’s house while he was waiting for cops to arrive. Either way, he’s an idiot (-3)
— Teresa is late for lunch with the girls. Is this even worth noting anymore? (-1)
— When packing for the trip, says she has a duffel bag full of hair extensions. Because there certainly isn’t already enough luggage for their family of 6 (-2)
— Before they leave for the airport, Jacqueline’s mom breaks Teresa’s huge vase. But honestly, Teresa is lucky that thing survived her giant housewarming party. It was bound to happen sometime (-5)
— On gondola ride in Italy, lets her 3-year-old daughter stand on edge of boat and pose for photos. Are we just paranoid first-time parents, or does that not seem safe to you? (-2)
— In Venice, makes her family put off lunch so that she can hunt down the Chanel store. Some people never learn (-1)
— On cruise, foists her kids off on Caroline to give her parents a break from watching them. Uh, how about you watch your own kids. Did you ever consider Caroline might want to get some, too? (-2)
— Plans big, private birthday dinner for daughter Malania’s 4th birthday (+3)
— When the cake arrives, Milania is fast asleep at the table and only wakes up to cry and say she isn’t interested (-3)
Net gain/loss: -18
Current total: 72

CAROLINE (178)
— Talks her husband into going to Italy with her, Teresa, Jacqueline and their families (+2)
— He doesn’t want to go with a bunch of screamin’ kids. Yeah, good luck with that (-3)
— Turns out that ALL the kids are going, along with parents. He probably sees less people during events at his restaurant (-5)
— Says Caroline’s hubby the night before the trip: “I don’t pack.” Here’s the thing. Men actually do pack, but they usually spend five minutes throwing crap in a suitcase, hopeful that something matches up when they arrive (-3)
— Caroline, who brought her own parents, says the chaos of the trip is worth it after she sees them riding on a gondola together (+5)
— Arrives at cruise ship and reveals that she “feels trapped like a hamster on cruises.” Um, this trip was your idea… didn’t you have a say in the plan? (-4)
— Gets her massage — perhaps the only relaxing time she’ll get on this voyage — hijacked by Jacqueline (-5)
— Doesn’t jump up from table and whoop Jacqueline’s ass (+8)
— Ends up getting stuck with Teresa’s high-maintenance kids while Teresa and Joe have sex (-10)
— Still had more fun than when she’s in the same city as Danielle (+3)
Net gain/loss: -12
Current total: 166

JACQUELINE (60)
— Dresses the family in Italian colors/outfits to spring the Italian vacation idea on her husband (+2)
— Is leaving Ashley alone in the house when they leave. Someone must be taking crazy pills! (-5)
— Jacqueline’s mother breaks an enormous vase at Teresa’s house. That’s one less thing the Giudices will be auctioning off to pay their debt (-2)
— Husband Chris is happy to see his wife be so stress-free on vacation (+4)
— Jacqueline busts in on Caroline and Albert’s couples massage to mess with Caroline (-5)
— On cruise, gets sloshed with Teresa and makes a fool of herself (-3)
— Pays for her fun afterward with a hangover and being seasick. She may even have a barf bag — we’re not really sure what she is doing with that blue plastic receptacle (-2)
Net gain/loss: -11
Current total: 49

DANIELLE (-160)
— Meets Greasy Danny for lunch (-2)
— They discuss Joe’s DUI. Danielle implies that he was obviously at the strip club until 2 a.m. The Bada Bing, perhaps? (-3)
— Quote from Danielle: “Anyone who puts out negativity, can expect it to come back. Be super careful — it will come back to catch you.” We literally did LOL on this. Does she hear herself? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: -169

CURRENT TOTALS:
Caroline — 166
Dina (we miss you!) — 103
Teresa — 72
Jacqueline — 49
Danielle — (-169)

Note: Each cast member started off the season with 100 points. Every week, they earn or lose point based on their decisions or things that happen to them. — WM

Last week, Jersey Shore left off with a sloppy drunk Ronnie making out with two skanks at the nightclub. Thursday night, his inebriated foolishness continued, creating a situation that will cause him tons of problems down the road. (As Homer Simpson says, “Here’s to alcohol: The source of, and answer to, all of life’s problems!”)

Ronnie’s actions made him the charter member, and president of, a group the dudes dubbed the I.F.F. — the I’m Fucked Foundation. And before the end of the show, Angelina was on her way to a lifetime membership as well.

The group also visited their new jobsite, where they’d be serving up gelato for the summer. J-Woww shopped for underwear club outfits at a sex shop; Sammi and Ronnie admitted their love for each other and we learned more about the guys’ fashion sense. Wifebeater = “the shirt before the shirt.” In other words, you sit around the house in your wifebeater before putting on your regular shirt to go out.

No wonder laundry is part of their daily ritual!

On to the countdown!

RONNIE (85)

— Comes home from the club drunk, and tells the guys, “I did mad work tonight, now I’ll go sleep with my girl (Sammi) in the bed.” Cringe (-4)
— Lies to Sammi about “doing anything,” presumably with other women, and hops in bed with her to cuddle (-5)
— The next morning, has no recollection of the previous night, which is probably for the best (+2)
— Utters the infamous words: “I’m never drinking like that again” (-3)
— Plots with guys in the car about what, and how much, he should tell Sammi about the preceding night’s events (-2)
— Says she doesn’t have grounds to get mad because they aren’t a couple, but fails to realize his mistakes aren’t limited to the three-way skank kiss (-4)
— Gets snacks for the guys to munch on as they watch the girls argue outside (+3)
— Admits he loves Sammi. Wants to work on the relationship with her. (Dude, NOW is the time you have to come clean about last night!) (+3) — Does nothing of the sort (-4) — Gets a tattoo on his side of praying hands. His ass better be praying if he ever wants this relationship to work out. You’ve gotta start with a clean slate, bro (+5)
Net gain/loss: -9 
Current total: 76

SAMMI (95)
— Even if she had no idea what went on at the club, she let him sleep in her bed after he called her a c*** (-8)
— Eavesdrops on dudes’ conversation and gets the idea that Ronnie was less than pure during the previous night’s outing (-3)
— Goes through Ronnie’s phone book and gets mad because he has his ex-girlfriend’s number listed (-2)
— Admits she’s a mental case because she still loves him. Oh sister, we’ve been there. But now we look back and think, Thank God we dodged that bullet! (-3) — Sammi apologizes to him for snooping in his book and going off on him (+2)
— Goes with Ronnie to get his tattoo and it’s clear she wants to reconcile. We’re actually starting to feel really sorry for her, because it’s only a matter of time before the wheels come off and then she’s gotta live with the guy (-4)
Net gain/loss: -18
Current total: 77

THE SITUATION (92)
— Wakes up from deep slumber, takes a swig of beer, goes back to sleep. Ah, to be young again (+3)
— Prepares meat to cook for dinner, places it in a precarious position in the fridge (-2) — After Snooki ruins the dinner plans, he calls in a food order under the name “Situation.” Gets clowned by guy at the restaurant: “Whatever man. What’s your order?” (-2)
— Tells Ronnie he should fess up to Sammi about dancing with women, but encourages him to leave out the information about the three-way kiss. These people act like they’re not being filmed for television (-2)
— Gets straddled and bitten during a makeout session with a drunken barfly in the club. She rolls off him, exposes her (possibly underpants-less) lady parts and falls to the floor. It’s nice to see he’s got standards (-5)
Net gain/loss: -8 
Current total: 84

SNOOKI (98)
— Opens fridge, marinating meat spills out onto floor (-3)
— Pays $395 for ridiculous, sparkly glasses that she can’t even see out of (-2)
— Drinks her cocktails out of one of those foot-tall plastic cups that you see people walking down the street with in Las Vegas. Except she’s at home (-2)

— Has ignored Angelina the entire time so far, but decides to confront her after hearing Angelina talked smack about her gorilla boyfriend (-1)
Net gain/loss: -8
Current total: 90

VINNY (105)
— After Snooki spills the meat, goes out to ask a hot tubbing Situation what to do about it (-2)
— Thinks they should still eat the floor chicken, because cooking it will kill any germs (-5)
Net gain/loss: -7 
Current total: 98

PAULY D (106)
— Ronnie comes in and tells Pauly D he doesn’t remember a thing about the night before. Pauly’s reply? “That’s what’s up.” A total guy response, but it made us laugh (+2)
— It’s early in the morning, and his hair is already gelled up and standing at attention. We wonder when we’ll get to see him actually create one of these gravity-defying masterpieces. I’m sure it’s quite an undertaking (+4)
— His new boss is worried about his hair falling into the gelato. Clearly, he hasn’t gotten close enough to realize it’s more of a helmet than a hairdo (-3)
— Hooks up with engaged girl at the bar, draws the wrath of a drunken Angelina (-1)
— At home, gets slapped by Angelina and takes it like a man (+3)
— Loses his temper with her outside, tells her she’s just lost her only two friends in the house, but she probably won’t remember it the next day (-2)
Net gain/loss: +3
Current total: 109

J-WOWW (98)
— Ronnie confides in her about his night of creeping (+2)
— Gets peeped by Snooki, Vinny and Pauly D through a hole in the shower door. But considering that she was just buying her club outfits at the sex shop, it’s nothing that was going to stay covered anyway (-3)
— Threatens to kick Angelina’s ass, and she’s kind of a brute (-4)
Net gain/loss: -5
Current total: 93

ANGELINA (88)
— Is the only female witness to Ronnie’s dalliances and is keeping his secret… for now (+3)
— Pisses everyone off because she hogs the telephone all day long (-2)
— Gets yelled at by Snooki and threatened by J-Woww; she yells back a little, but mostly blows it off (+2) — At the bar, takes shots with random strangers, who probably like her more than any of her housemates (+3)
— Gets drunk, grinds with another woman on elevated dance surface, which could have scored her a few point if she didn’t … (-2)
— Topple from elevated surface and roll on to a couch (-4)
— Surprisingly, can still focus her eyes enough to see that Pauly D is hooking up with some woman, and immediately starts to interfere (-3)
— Says she loves and wants to marry Pauly. Oh God, this is going to get bad (-2)
— No surprises here: Drunken crying ensues (-3)
— Slaps Pauly D in the kitchen (-2) — Even though he wants to get away from her, she chases him outside, where he tells her she has no friends left in the house (-5) Net gain/loss: -15
Current total: 73

CURRENT TOTALS:
Pauly D — 109
Vinny — 98
J-Woww — 93
Snooki — 90
The Situation — 84
Sammi — 77
Ronnie — 76
Angelina — 73

As Real Housewife of New Jersey Teresa planned yet another flamboyant party — this time, a christening for her new baby, Audriana — she hinted at the idea that the bankruptcy petition had been filed.

She talked about how husband Joe was staying on top of her spending habits, and implied that the family were cutting back on expenses. Now, most people’s idea of tightening the purse strings means clipping coupons or not eating out at restaurants as often. But for Teresa, it means inviting 200 people to a totally unneccesary party instead of 400.

In other action, Dina is back to attend the christening; and Danielle took her 16-year-old daughter for her first gyno appointment and proceeded to make me feel totally uncomfortable, so we can only imagine how poor Christine felt. Jacqueline got an earful about Danielle from Kim G., and Caroline continued to put everything in perspective for viewers.

On to the numbers! (Sorry, we forgot our rhinestone-studded score cards at home.)

TERESA (96)
— Is planning “My big, fat, Italian Christening” for Audriana (+2)
— Complains that her husband is making her be more frugal, but still wants the christening to be a 200-person event, complete with a cocktail hour (!), sit down dinner, ice sculptures, a photographer and videographer. So, where’s the cutback? Oh, right. No limo! (-5)
— Wears a skin tight, sequined and bejeweled dress. That’s what I’d be inclined to wear to a baby’s christening, all right (-3)
— However, her daughters look absolutely angelic. Pretty, pretty princesses (+4)
— Husband gets snappish after Teresa slathers him with face lotion and forces him to pose for tons of photos. But it really doesn’t seem that different from his normal behavior to us, except that he was wearing a shirt this time (-2)
— Baby Audriana has a Swarovski crystal-encrusted pacifier. We expect nothing less from Teresa (+2)
— Husband Joe leaves the event early because he doesn’t want to see the bill (-4)
Net gain/loss: -6
Current total: 90

DINA (95)
— Is back for one episode because as Audriana’s godmother, she obviously has to attend christening (+3)
— Buys the baby her first pair of Gucci shoes. I am 37, and still waiting for someone to buy me mine (+2)
— Helps Teresa plan the party, and goes all out with decor and cake (+1)
— Brings good vibes to the show, and the other wives are all delighted they are together again (+2)
Net gain/loss: +8
Current total: 103

DANIELLE (-132)
— She and daughter Christine have matching Burberry rainboots (+3)
— Unfortunately, those boots are made for walkin’ … into the gynecologist’s office, for the most uncomfortable appointment EVER for daughter Christine (-3)
— Grills Christine about boyfriends, in front of receptionist and all of America (-2)
— Says, “You ARE a good girl. Please tell me you’re a goody two shoes,” implying that her daughter is a hooch if she’s sexually active. Yeah, that approach will get you a straight answer, Danielle (-1)
— There’s no physical exam today, just a conversation. Christine looks like she’d rather contract the clap than be having this discussion with an aging male doctor and her mother (-2)
— Talks to Kim G. about finding her birth mother, who is probably hiding under a rock in South Dakota, hoping Danielle can’t locate her (-1)
— Finds out, in the middle of dinner with her daughters, that Kim G is running her mouth and telling her enemies about her search (-1)
— Hops up from family dinner to go outside and call Greasy Danny and talk to him about it. Because that really couldn’t have waited (-8)
— Danny gives Danielle a ride to meet Kim G for lunch. Does she really need a bodyguard everywhere? (-2)
— In a deja vu moment that hearkens back to her lunch with Dina, she makes a huge scene in a restaurant with Kim. Kim throws a napkin at her, unleashing a string of vulgarities that would make Greasy Danny blush. The entire restaurant stares (-4)
— Gets chased out to her car by Kim G, who is still swearing (-2)
— Half of the restaurant follows this mega-scene outside and we are so ashamed we actually watch, and enjoy, this show (-5)
Net gain/loss: -28
Current total: -160

CAROLINE (163)
— Kim G tries to set up lunch with Caroline through their sons, who are best friends, but Caroline sticks to her guns. She wants to avoid Danielle, and we agree: one degree of separation isn’t enough (+4)
— Attends Teresa’s christening party at The Brownstone, which her son oversaw, and several times comments on how it’s more like a wedding than a religious event for a baby (+1)
— Knows how to stand out using bold colors that compliment her hair color, and tasteful accessories. She’s probably the one woman that doesn’t subscribe to the “wear one of everything, then add something else” fashion sense of other New Jersey reality stars (+5)
— Remains the most likable person on the show, and probably the most normal Housewife of them all. That means she doesn’t get a lot of air time… but she does get points from us! (+5)
Net gain/loss: +15
Current total: 178

JACQUELINE (63)
— She and Baby Nick get bombarded by Kim G, who barges in spewing curse words about Danielle. If little Nick’s first word has four letters and begins with ‘f,’ we’re pretty sure he learned it that day (-3)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 60

CURRENT STANDINGS:
Caroline: 178
Dina: 103
Teresa: 90
Jacqueline: 60
Danielle: (-160)

“There are two kinds of people who wear sunglasses at night: Blind people and assholes.”

Let me assure you that nobody on Jersey Shore is blind, so you can draw your own conclusions after watching the season premiere Thursday night, in which the crazy, tanned kids took their tomfoolery on the road to Miami Beach and hit the clubs with shades planted firmly on their faces.

The first episode focused on the awkwardness of former showmancers Ronnie and Sammi, who are now broken up but living in the same house. Also in the forefront: The return of Angelina, who left after the second or third episode last year and probably regretted her decision when she saw her castmates gracing the cover of People soon after.

This season, we’ll subject Jersey Shore to a Character Countdown, to determine who’s going to make their mommas the most and least proud. Each cast member begins the season with 100 points, losing and earning points throughout the season based on their decisions and the things that happen to them.

Beinvenido a Miami!

RONNIE (100)
— Arrives to the house with a faux hawk and the swagger that can only be boasted by a single meathead. (Is he a tool, or are we just too old to appreciate his youthful coolness? Sorry, we’ve gotta vote tool.) (-2)
— Now free from the shackles of Sammi, he’s looking forward to “wilin’ out, hookin’ up with girls and dancing.” He’s in the right city for that! (+3)
— First night out, gets sloppy drunk and calls Sammi the c-word. No he didn’t! (-10)
— Says “bro” approximately 372 times in the provided drunken footage (-2)
— At second bar, appropriately called Bed, slams some more drinks and ends up sweating profusely, gyrating around a stripper pole, laying on the floor and dancing on platforms (-5)
— Despite his above ridiculous behavior, he still ends up making out with two chicks at the same time while Sammi sleeps at home (+4)
— Calls himself Captain Smush (-3)
Net gain/loss: -15
Current total: 85

SAMMI (100)
— Still has feelings for Ronnie. Girl, get over it! You’re in Miami. No need to bring sandwiches to the buffet, if you know what I mean (-3)
— Is glad her room is near Ronnie’s so that she can see him more often. Not for long, we suspect (-2)
— All her clothes get ruined when closet shelf falls on top of a bunch of fruity drinks (-3)
— Ronnie blasts her with the worst adjective you can call a woman (-5)
— After it happens, she behaves like a lady and doesn’t reach over and punch his teeth down his throat (+8)
Net gain/loss: -5
Current total: 95

ANGELINA (100)
— Returns to Season Two because she wants to be famous, too (+4)
— Gets a Brazilian wax to prepare. On camera. Is nothing sacred anymore? (-2)
— We assume the wax is for wearing her bathing suit until we see her cutoff denim shorts. Good grief (-5)
— Last season, she arrived with her clothes in garbage bags. This time, she has a suitcase — probably because they don’t let you check garbage bags on the airplane (+3)
— Invites herself to room with Pauly D and The Situation, both of whom she’s made out with. Nothing good can come of this (-5)
— Practically offers to hook up with either of them on slow nights. Now that’s klassy, with a K! (-4)
— None of the girls are happy to see her and they all act as though she isn’t there (-3)
— Interrupts a conversation between the girls in the taxi to talk about herself; gets attacked by J-Woww (-2)
Net gain/loss: -12
Current total: 88

THE SITUATION (100)
— Road trips with Pauly D to Miami (+2)
— Even though it’s raining when Pauly picks him up, he takes the time to participate in a bro hug. Awwww (+3)
— Gets Escalade stuck in mud when they stop to buy and let off fireworks in S.C. (-2)
— Sets off fireworks while waiting for AAA to arrive. At least they had something to do (+1)
— AAA truck also gets stuck, must call another AAA truck. Is this a Saturday Night Live skit? (-5)
— When Sammi arrives to the house, he notes that she looks good, and that he may scheme on her since she’s not with Ronnie anymore. How many seasons of Real World do you have to see to know this is a terrible idea? (-3)
— Wears sunglasses inside club at night. Is not blind (-4)
Net gain/loss: -8
Current total: 92

PAULY D (100)
— Road trips with The Situation to Miami (+2)
— Half of the road trip is done in inclement weather, yet his hair remains completely intact (+4)
— Has AAA, which is good, or they’d be spending the night in a muddy field (+5)
— Needs new sneakers because his got dirty during this little escapade. No amount of fun is worth a pair of ruined shoes (-3)
— Is not famous enough for the dispatcher for the cab company to recognize him. (“This is Pauly D. DJ Pauly D.”) Sorry Pauly, there are real celebs in Miami (-2)
Net gain/loss: +6
Current total: 106

SNOOKI (100)
— Snooki and J-Woww road trip to Miami. Snooki probably needs a booster seat to drive that Escalade, but doesn’t use one (-2)
— Now uses spray tanning because President Obama put a tax on regular tanning (+3)
— Believes Obama instituted said tax because of the Jersey Shore kids (-2)
— Samples fried pickles at deserted restaurant. In case you don’t remember, pickles are to Snooki as French Fries are to other people (+4)
— Gets hit on by doofus country bumpkin, whose attempt at fist pumping was a weird and epic fail (-2)
— Gets a free lemon drop shot out of the deal (+1)
— Ices out Angelina even though she felt depressed being the outcast last season (-3)
— Her hair poof is totally defying gravity. While it’s ugly, it’s also incredibly amazing, so she’s earning points for it (+4)
— While rinsing out Sammi’s clothes in the sink, she says, “I feel like the Pilgrims in the 20s!” Something tells us she wasn’t teacher’s pet in History class (-5)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current total: 98

J-WOWW (100)
— Takes over driving from Snooki on road trip (+2)
— Is fuming that Angelina is there, and ends up screaming at her during a cab ride (-1)
— Threatens to kick Angelina’s ass while climbing over two sets of car seats (-3)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current total: 98

VINNY
— Goal for Miami: No grenades; quality over quantity (+5)
Net gain/loss: +5
Current total: 105

CURRENT TOTALS:
Pauly D: 106
Vinny: 105
J-Woww: 98
Snooki: 98
Sammi: 95
The Situation: 92
Angelina: 88
Ronnie: 85

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the cast of Jersey Shore and other New Jersey-based reality shows, it’s that living in the Garden State requires its own unique sense of style. And by unique, we mean excessive and over the top.

Meet the cast of Jersey Shore

We got our first taste of the overkill when the opulent Real Housewives of New Jersey hit the air last year. But when Jersey Shore premiered, Snooki and Co. made the Housewives look like an exercise in restraint.

Other cable stations quickly capitalized on America’s fascination with New Jersey peeps, launching two style-focused shows: Jerseylicious (9 p.m. Fridays, Style network) and Jersey Couture (currently in repeat mode at various times on Oxygen). Jerseylicious follows the dramalicious, bickering staff of a newly-opened hair salon, while Jersey Couture focuses on a family-owned dress shop, filled with the gaudiest ball gowns this side of a drag queen show.

Put the four shows together and what have you got? A really big job for the folks on What Not to Wear. Here, we break down the basic style elements:

UNISEX:

BIG TANS
It seems that many Jersey folks missed the memo about tanning being dangerous — or they just don’t care. The fellas from the Shore make it part of their daily ritual (“Gym, tanning, laundry”). Olivia from Jerseylicious boasts “a deep, dark tan all year round” and says that by the time she gets leathery, science will have developed something to help elasticise her skin. No apparent worries about skin cancer, though.
At least Snooki uses a spray tan to achieve her special shade of “tan.”

BIG HAIR
Not everyone embraces the big hair, but the ones who do take it very seriously. Jersey Shore’s Pauly D and Frankie of Jerseylicious have the same swept-up, gelled-up, rock hard hair. Snooki is notorious for her Bump-It-style pouf; Diane of Jersey Couture shows off the mom-version of big hair.
Jerseylicious hair stylist Tracy calls 1980s hair “the best hair ever.” In her instruction video, she explains, “The bigger the better, the closer to heaven is your hair. … You can never have enough hairspray. if your hair moves, spray, spray, spray. Keep spraying.”

BIG ATTITUDE
Here, only the strong thrive and survive. Whether they use their mouths or their fists, nobody here is a wallflower.
Every JS cast member was involved in some sort of altercation last season, which was usually a result of them copping an attitude with complete strangeres. To refresh you, Ronnie got in a fight on the boardwalk; Snooki got suckerpunched in the face by a guy; J-Woww punched The Situation in the kisser.
Elsewhere, Jerseylicious’ Alexa “the Glam Fairy” takes bragging about her skills to an entirely new level and NJ Housewife Teresa is infamous for flipping a table during a large group dinner.
The meek shall inherit the Earth — except for New Jersey.

WOMEN:

BIG CLEAVAGE
JS’s Jenni “J-Woww” Farley and NJ Housewife Teresa Guidice proudly boast their breast implants and put them to good use. We’re not sure how Tracy from Jerseylicious stays in her shirts when she’s forced to even slightly bend over while giving a hair cut. Olivia from the same show wears three bras to create the perfect bustline.
And over on Jersey Couture, shop owner Diane regularly reaches into her clients’ dresses and fondles their breasts to get them to sit perfectly, often without warning. And no, they don’t have to pay extra for that.

WOMEN:

BIG OUTFITS
People say there are no absolutes in life, but we feel pretty safe that there’s at least one: You will never see anyone from any NJ reality show going out in a little black dress and a string of pearls. It’s all about sparkles, sequins, animal prints, eye-popping patterns, outrageous shoes and copious accessories — often at the same time. And if it’s not one size too small, then it doesn’t fit.

Jul 27, 2010

It’s hard to watch Teresa and her husband Joe spend so extravagantly on The Real Housewives of New Jersey when we all now know about their money problems.

In fact, yesterday, it was announced that the couple would auction off the contents of their 10,000 square foot mansion at the home on Aug. 22. (Perhaps Danielle would be interested in buying the suit of armor up for grabs for an extra layer of protection?)

Anyway, apparently money wasn’t yet much of an issue when Monday’s episode was taped, because Joe went all out for the couple’s 10th anniversary. And that wasn’t the only celebration. Danielle’s eldest daughter enjoyed a lavish Sweet 16 party (but since the party was a charity fundraiser, all of the supplies were provided free of charge).

Other plot points: Jacqueline’s daughter’s received her court summons for ripping out Danielle’s weave, and Caroline’s son started the police academy.

Scores, please!

TERESA (119)
— Teresa’s family opens the show by playing Monopoly. Considering they recently filed for bankruptcy, can you imagine a game at which they could be any worse? (-3)
— It’s Teresa and Joe’s 10 year anniversary, and Teresa wants a big gift. “I want to be wowed.” We have an idea: How about Joe gets a vasectomy now? (+2)
— Threatens no hanky panky for a month if he doesn’t comply with her gift request of diamonds. Um, sorry, Teresa. You can’t let a monumental anniversary like that pass by without having anniversary sex. It just isn’t done (-2)
— Joe tells Jacqueline’s husband he’s worried about spending a lot of money for their anniversary (+1)
— So he hires a driver, a private helicopter ride over New York City, books a room at the Westin and buys Teresa a ginormous yellow diamond ring. So much for smart spending! (-5)
— He recites her his original poem: “Roses are red, violets are blue; roses are beautiful, and so are you.” A wordsmith he’s not, but the big dope does love her (+2)
— Teresa’s reaction to her stellar gift is pretty subdued. Perhaps deep down she knew they couldn’t afford it? (-4)
— Teresa butchers a cliche really, really badly: “Love is the eyes of the beholder.” (-10)
— She describes her fantasy date as “me and Joe doin’ it.” This might be the biggest case of TMI we’ve heard all year (-4)
Net gain/loss: -23
Current score: 96

DANIELLE (-137)
— Danielle’s friend comes over to help plan daughter Christine’s Sweet 16 party because Danielle says she never hung out with people her age when she was 16. We don’t even want to know… (-3)
— Christine wants to donate money from her Sweet 16 party to charity. She really is sweet! (+4)
— The Staub family allows their dogs to sit and stand on the dining room table But it’s still probably more sterile than letting thug Danny into the house (-3)
— Other daughter Jillian is writing an original song about her sister, which she’ll sing at the party. Most pop stars don’t even write their own tunes (+2)
— Christine, a model, is using mini marshmallows to sop up chocolate. Danielle tells her to lay off the chocolate. No worries, the modeling eating disorder will come soon enough, Danielle (-2)
— Christine immediately goes into the kitchen and eats more (+3)
— The girls’ dad is coming to the Sweet 16 party. We are impressed he’s willing to go on TV and admit having once been married to Danielle (+3)
— Danielle decides to wear her seven-carat engagement ring from her ex to the party, likely so that his new wife will see the sparkler and be jealous (-2)
— Mom and daughters all get their hair and makeup done for the party. Fun! (+3)
— Danielle’s false eyelashes have silver tips, which is way too much for a 47-year-old woman, unless it’s Halloween (-1)
— Danielle hugs her ex a liiiiittle too much in front of his wife (-2)
— “I am the best mom in the world.” Well, to her credit, she does have pretty great daughters (+3)
Net gain/loss: +5
Current score: -132

JACQUELINE (72)
— Goes over to Caroline’s and raids her kitchen, finds a Pop Tart (+2)
— Feeds parts of Pop Tart to Caroline’s dog. I speak from experience: Jack Russell Terriers do not need any sort of sugar high; they are already wild enough (-1)
— Drives Ashley to pick up her summons at the post office. Ashley regrets pulling Danielle’s hair, but says it still felt great to take out her frustrations on the raven extensions (-2)
— Ashley laughs at the charges because she’s a dumb teenager; she and Jacqueline butt heads several times (-3)
— Ashley thinks she’s pretty cool, and is not scared of court. In fact, she says she’s excited and wants to countersue. Someone has been watching too much Judge Judy. (-4)
— Jacqueline prepares dinner using a Slap Chop, wearing a tight, shoulderless dress. Who needs an apron? (+2)
— Husband blames Danielle for coming between Jacqueline and Ashley, but Ashley is the one copping attitude with her parents. Try that stuff in my mom’s house and see what happens (-3)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current score: 73

CAROLINE (153)
— Has the cutest Jack Russell Terrier ever, besides my dog, Archie (+2)
— Son Albie joined police academy since his law school career is on hold. He’s got a strong work ethic, and we’d expect nothing less from Caroline’s offspring (+3)
— The Manzos have a ridiculously dope gym in their house with tons of equipment. We’d probably weigh 10 pounds less if we didn’t have to leave the house to work out (+5)
Net gain/loss: +10
Current score: 163

CURRENT TOTALS:
Caroline — 163
Teresa — 93
Jacqueline — 73
Danielle — (-132)

When the original Girls Next Door moved out of the E! neighborhood, we felt like a little piece of us went missing.

Not because we had a whole lot in common with the buxom blonde trio of Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt, but because we’d carved out a weekly date with them for nearly four years. Packed with personality and charisma, the threesome were so different, yet equally entertaining, and perfectly matched as friends. Most importantly, they always were supportive of each other, and other women, which is something rarely seen on reality TV.

See pictures of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends

Because of that, we know the girls would never want to go up against each other. But as viewers, we couldn’t help but compare their two shows — Holly’s World and Kendra — a little bit.

So we’re subjecting the Playboy bunnies and friends to a Film.com TV Throwdown!

PLOT
Holly’s show chronicles her new, post-Hef life in Las Vegas, where she stars in “Peepshow” at Planet Hollywood. For the most part, she just hangs with her friends in her house and by the pool in between her shifts at work.
Kendra’s show follows her life as a new wife and mother. Holly’s show is sexier, but Kendra’s actually depicts real-life circumstances, such as hubby Hank Baskett being let go from the Indianapolis Colts after his botched onside kick during the Super Bowl; Kendra’s struggle with her post-baby body; and the couple navigating the world of first-time parenting.
Holly’s show is for living vicariously, but when it comes to real life and real issues, Kendra’s show has more depth.
HOLLY: 0 
KENDRA: 1

See pictures of Kendra Wilkinson

LOCATION
For certain, Kendra’s had a lot more variety, recently having moved from Philadelphia, to Indianapolis, to L.A., and now, back to Philly for Hank’s job.
Holly’s whole show takes place in Vegas, largely on the strip. Now, had Kendra stayed in L.A., Holly might have some competition here. But as a reality show backdrop, Indy and the City of Brotherly Love can’t hold a torch to Sin City. In Vegas, the weather is better, the lights are brighter, and we’d rather see bikini-clad hotties than someone ordering a cheesesteak any day.
HOLLY: 1
KENDRA: 1

ADVENTURES
On The Girls Next Door, you never knew what to expect from sporty sexpot Kendra. One minute, she was flashing her boobs from a train caboose, the next, she’d be rapping on stage with Three 6 Mafia at a mansion party. She was, without a doubt, the wildest of the bunch. Since becoming a mom, she’s done a complete 180, which is to be expected and admired.
Meanwhile, Holly’s life is basically a party on wheels. So far, she’s had a huge housewarming party; gone on a daring road trip from L.A. to Vegas with friends; and shot photographs in Cancun for a bathing suit calendar.
Sorry, Kendra. Until Lil Hank goes to school and you have more time to yourself, Holly is probably going to win this round.
HOLLY: 2
KENDRA: 1

Check out Hollywood’s Hottest Blondes

SUPPORTING CAST
Holly’s got three main sidekicks: Her best friend and assistant, Angel; her roommate, Laura; and her friend, Josh. While they all fit together like a strange, wild puzzle, they don’t really stand up to Kendra’s clan. Hank is a loving, awesome husband to Kendra, and their baby, little Hank, is so happy and cute. It’s great to see how this family unit has taken shape and overcome so many obstacles in the past year. That should be enough to win her this round… but Kendra’s energetic, oddball mother, Patti, makes the occassional appearance, too, and that puts Kendra over the top in this round.
HOLLY: 2
KENDRA: 2

LAUGHS
Kendra’s Woody Woodpecker laugh was always so overwheming that we never noticed Holly had a terrible monotone cackle of her own. But now that Holly’s got this show and we hear it all the time, we don’t understand how we ever could have overlooked it.
Don’t get us wrong… we love to see people laugh and have a good time. But that doesn’t mean we have to do it without using the Mute button on the remote.
It’s a draw.
HOLLY: 2
KENDRA: 2

Final score: It’s a tie, and everybody — including viewers — wins!

Bottom line: If we had to guess where everyone would be a year after Girls Next Door ended, we’d have pegged Holly as the family woman (wasn’t she always telling Hef she was ready for babies?) and Kendra as the Vegas showgirl. So to see each woman embark on this new, fairly unexpected path has been a real treat for fans. We live vicariously through Holly, and we root for Kendra and her family every episode.

However, just because everyone’s a winner here doesn’t mean there aren’t some losers in this overall situation … and those losers are the replacement Girls Next Door. We never want to see that mess again.

(I should have posted this a few weeks ago, and forgot. Oops.)

It’s with bittersweet sentiment that, tonight, we bid adieu to The Hills forever.

For years, our weekly TV plans included watching the (manufactured) drama of Lauren Conrad, Audrina Patridge, Speidi and the rest of the gang. Whether the show was reality or “reality,” The Hills was our guilty, mind-numbing pleasure for six seasons.

And after tonight, it is no more.

But, that doesn’t mean we go away emptyhanded. Watching the cast’s antics over the years provided many great life lessons — even when that probably wasn’t their intent. Mostly, it was what not to do, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

1. When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
When something that used to be enjoyable turns into complete and utter torture, such as Lauren’s involvement with this show, it’s time to move on. Life is way too short to be miserable and broken down.

2. Never let a boyfriend/girlfriend come between you and your friends/family.
Obviously, when you meet the love of your life, he or she will probably take top priority. But if all your friends hate your significant other, it’s worth listening to their concerns. (See: Heidi and Spencer.)
And if that person expects you to cut off your relationships with everyone, including your family? Well, that’s a Lifetime movie waiting to happen. Love can be blind. Listen to the people that care about you.

3. Handle your business.
We watched Lauren give up the chance to go work in Paris for the summer so that she could go live with then-boyfriend Jason Wahler. Heidi spent more time dealing with Spencer’s foolishness than she did actually working, and it eventually got her fired. And then there was Stephanie, who couldn’t even answer the telephone properly when she was hired to answer telephones.
Have some integrity at work. Make your momma proud.

4. If you want to make a relationship work, don’t go out with your ex.
When Brody and Jayde were “on a break,” not only did he go out for drinks with his ex, Kristin, he also went with her on a bathing-suit-clad walk along the beach and also escorted her to Heidi’s birthday party. Nothing says “I want you back” like hanging out with a person who’s been a huge source of contention in your relationship.

5. When you need a new dating prospect, don’t mine your friends’ friends or their exes
Let’s see… Brody dated Lauren, Audrina and Kristin, and messed with Lauren’s friend, Jen Bunney. Justin bounced back and forth from Kristin to Audrina. And that’s just for starters, as several exes also floated in and out of everyone’s lives for an episode or two. Aren’t there millions of people in L.A.? Why aren’t these idiots branching out beyond two degrees of seperation?
Thankfully, the rest of us don’t need to be this lazy.

6. Living with your friends isn’t always a good idea.
When there’s as much drama as there is with the cast of The Hills, having them as roommates is only going to stir up more conflict. Surely, that’s the way MTV wanted it here, but the idea applies in real life, too.
Sometimes, living with your close friend can put a strain on the relationship, so make sure you know what you’re getting into. Or, at the very least, hole up in the guest house like Audrina did — just in case.

7. Life is a fashion show.
Early in the series, it wasn’t uncommon to see the leading ladies lounging around the house in sweats and tank tops — not that there’s anything wrong with that. But as time progressed, nary a scene occured where the ladies weren’t fully decked out in adorable outfits. Watching them go out for lunch, ice cream or drinks always made me want to get dressed and look my best, even if I was just running to the grocery store for an onion.
So, what are you saving that special outfit for? Every time you leave the house, it’s a chance to make an impression.

8. When all else fails, stare blankly while twirling your hair.
Although this is Audrina’s signature move no matter what the situation — along with dead eyes, a monotone voice and misusing the word “whenever” — it’s a good one to keep in mind for times when words can get you into worse trouble. For instance, when you get pulled over for running a red light. This worked for us just last week. Thanks, Audrina!

9. If your mother doesn’t recognize you when you come home and it isn’t Halloween, you’ve had too much plastic surgery.
In the most recent season, Heidi went home to see her family in the mountains of Colorado after having 10 plastic surgeries in one sitting. It was bad enough that we barely recognized her, but the look on her mother’s face broke our hearts into pieces.
One or two modifications, maybe. But 10? For a woman who was perfectly beautiful to begin with? Poor Heidi’s mom.

10. If a relationship doesn’t work the first 7,203 times, call it a day.
Audrina’s on-again-off-again relationship with Justin was not only difficult to watch, it was painfully, obviously doomed from the get-go, when Justin wouldn’t ever call Audrina his girlfriend. If you weren’t officially a couple to begin with, what’s the point of trying to work it out? After two or three failed tries, might as well cut your losses.
Kind of like MTV did with The Hills.

Maisy Fernandez,  Jul 21, 2010

I don’t know about you, but I’m in desperate need of a summer fling. With so many TV shows in re-run mode, all I want is a little bit of fresh meat.

That’s why this is the time of year I’m most thankful to have cable. Shows like Entourage, True Blood and Hung are already in full swing, and more of our favorites are returning in the coming weeks.

Here’s a guide to keep you busy for the rest of summer — and, just for fun, what kind of relationship each show provides. Because God forbid you actually read a book or something.

JUST STARTED
Teen Mom, 10 p.m., Tuesdays on MTV
When I was pregnant, I got sucked into watching any show about pregnancy and babies, including MTV’s 16 & Pregnant, which was actually horrifying in many cases. In my sentimental state, though, I became attached to some of these new mothers and their babies, so I’m happy (and sometimes, sad) that I can follow their lives in the spin-off, Teen Mom. Being a first-time mother is hard enough in your 30s, so I can’t even imagine handling it as a teen. As depressing as the show can be sometimes, it also makes you feel happy to see these moms grow up and perservere over numerous hardships.
Type of fling: The kind that seems like a good idea at first. But then when it gets to a point where you should turn away, it’s too late.

JULY 25

Mad Men, 9 p.m., AMC
Thank goodness for this smart series, which is such a huge, awesome, creative departure from anything else on TV. When we last left this Emmy- and Golden Globe-winning Mad Men, Don Draper and his partners forged out and formed their own ad company (and hired Joan back, hooray!). Betty asked Don for a divorce, and most importantly, Don’s mysterious past began coming to light. Major changes on the horizon! We can’t wait to see what writers (and costume designers) have up their sleeves this season.
Type of fling: It’s the smart, handsome, well-dressed guy you discovered a few years back and you don’t understand why everyone isn’t clamoring to have him.

JULY 29

Project Runway, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Season 8 of this successful, Heidi Klum-hosted reality series kicks off with 17 designers, who surely will show us what and what not to wear. We love the timing, too. The end of summer is a great time to recharge your style batteries, what with all the fall fashion already hitting department stores.
Type of fling: You think it’s going to be a simple, superficial way to pass the time, but as the layers peel away, it ends up being a lot deeper than you imagined.

Jersey Shore, 10 p.m., MTV
It’s shameful how much we’ve been anticipating the second season of this ridiculous reality show that catapulted its stars to top of the pop culture food chain late last year. I mean, Paris Hilton said she was excited to meet them! Staged in Miami Beach this go-around, we can only hope that the show retains its organic, outrageous flair. We are kind of worried that because they’re now all celebs, that they’ll try too hard to be over the top. At any rate, we’re still fist-pumping our way to July 29. GTL, baby, GTL!
Type of fling: This is the neanderthal you meet at the beach or gym, who you keep in hiding from all your friends and family.

AUGUST

Keeping Up With The Kardashians E! has yet to release an actual date for the new season, but the sisters and their family will be back for another round of chaos next month. While we see most of their lives play out in the tabloids, we are most interested in seeing how Khloe and Lamar’s marriage is going, and how on Earth Kourtney manages to stay with that dipstick, Scott. Also, this show now features baby Mason!
Type of fling: Friends with benefits. We’ve been keeping up for so long, this gang is like an old pal that you hook up with when the chance arises. You’re always happy to see them, and when you finally do, it’s like no time has passed at all.

AUGUST 3
Bad Girls Club, 9 p.m., Oxygen
There is no shortage of hard-partying, fist-fighting girls that will do anything for attention, and that is the premise for this embarrassingly addicting reality show, which moves to Miami this season. In the past, we’ve seen women sabotage each other’s food; pee on sponges in the kitchen sink; and throw each other’s filled suitcases into the swimming pool. Barring Jerry Springer, we have never seen a show with so many girl-on-girl beatdowns. However, violence does buy the ladies a ticket home, which explains why there’s so much turnover each season. If you want to preserve your brain cells, you shouldn’t watch. This show is like reading the National Enquirer. You can’t take it seriously, it’s just a guilty pleasure, plain and simple.
Type of fling: It’s the bad-ass you wish you’d never met. But every time he comes around, you’re curious to see what he’s up to.

AUGUST 5

The Real Housewives of D.C., 9 p.m., Bravo
Can there possibly be room for another city of Housewives in our viewing schedule? Um, is that a rhetorical question? Adding politics to the mix of the wealthy, often back-biting wives can only make this new installation of Bravo’s hugely successful franchise even juicier. (In fact, now that Bravo has wives in O.C., New York, New Jersey, Atlanta AND D.C., shouldn’t they just cease their other programming and run these shows 24/7?)
Type of fling: On the surface, it seems strangely similar to lots of other affairs you’ve had… but it’s entertaining enough to keep it going.

AUGUST 16

Weeds, 10 p.m. Showtime
We often wonder: If Nancy Botwin had access to a hot tub time machine, would she go back in time and undo all of her mistakes since her husband’s death? If so, we probably wouldn’t want to watch Weeds anymore. But word on the street (er, it appears from the trailer) is that Nancy is ready to leave her bad decisions in the past and start anew. Too bad her kids are already screwed up for life.
Type of fling: Back in the day, you used to have a fair amount in common with this person. Now, you’re worlds apart, but you keep in close touch because you want to see how it all plays out.

Ever since Dina left The Real Housewives of New Jersey, we’ve been seeing a whole lot more of the Kims.

The blonde secondary characters sort of snuck up on us. And now, if there’s some personal conflict for them to stick their highlighted heads into, they arrive faster than Danielle’s phone can speed dial the cops every week. In Monday’s episode, though, Kim G. won the Friend of the Week award for picking up the chunks of extracted Danielle hair and delivering them to her. Awww! How sweet.

Perhaps Danielle can use the hair in court, because she announced in Monday’s episode that she was pressing charges against Jacqueline’s daughter, Ashley, for yanking out said locks.

In other events, Teresa apologized for her bad behavior, Jacqueline grows increasingly frustrated with rebellious Ashley; and Caroline continued to stare at them all like they’ve lost their flippin’ minds.

Can you believe this ride is almost over for the season? Enjoy it while you can:

DANIELLE (-111)
— Danny arranges for Danielle to take self defense classes. She actually did better in the boxing ring than she did on the stripper pole a few episodes back (+3)
— But that was only after she started pretending she was assaulting Teresa and Jacqueline (-2)
— Danny is standing in the corner leering like a creep. A friend recently called him a poor man’s Rick Springfield, and I have to agree. A very poor man’s (-4)
— Is still harping on the fact that nobody was arrested at the country club. These Housewives seasons would be a lot shorter if the casts didn’t beat dead horses all the time (-1)
— Why does she purse her lips after she believes she’s made a point? She looks like a duckbill platypus… you’d think after watching herself on TV, she’d try to kick that habit (-3)
— Promises that she won’t run away from her attackers next time. Yes, you’re fully prepared after 30 minutes of self-defense (-1)
— “I may not win the fight, but they’re going to know they’ve been in one.” That’s the spirit! (-1)
— “It only takes one good smack to the head to make a person never walk again.” Hmmmm, Danielle, that sounds like a threat. Maybe someone should call the cops on your ass (-2)
— Meets Danny and that one other meathead for coffee to — you guessed it — rehash the Ashley situation (-3)
— Says, “Children learn what they live.” Uh, you know what they say about people who live in glass houses, right? (-2)
— Blames Jacqueline for her daughter’s behavior (-1)
— Has attorney, police and three friends meet her at the courthouse so we can hear the hair-pulling story for the 95th time in an hour. But, decides to press charges against Ashley, which means this might actually end at some point (+2)
— Each time Danielle tells the story, it gets more exaggerated. This time, “I felt in fear for my life…. Someone said, I’ll get you. I don’t know who yelled it, but someone said they were going to kill me.” (-5)
— Actually has the nerve to say, “Grown women do not act like that,” weeks after causing the hugest scene ever at the baby cancer fundraiser (-5)
— Tries to act like she’s doing Ashley a favor by pressing charges. Do us a favor and shut up about it already! (-1)
Net gain/loss: -26
Current total: (-137)

JACQUELINE (79)
— Goes to Kim G’s house to talk after the fashion show debacle with Baby Nick in tow. Hopefully the poor kid isn’t absorbing any of these conversations in his subconscious (-2)
— Daughter Ashley thinks Danielle is obsessed with her, but we can’t remember a recent conversation during which Ashley didn’t obsess over Danielle (-3)
— Even Ashley’s boyfriend is tired of hearing about Danielle, which irritates her (-1)
— Jacqueline goes to Caroline’s to discuss the charges being brought against her daughter (-2)
— Ashley is summoned to Caroline’s by her mother and shows up with Starbucks for everyone. Finally, the kid does something smart! (+4)
— Ashley smirks and laughs when recounting the situation with Danielle (-2)
— Kim G shows up at Jacqueline’s house with newspaper clippings about Danielle’s unbeweaveable attack, which depict Danielle, Kim G and two other old hags, er, I mean ladies walking arm in arm through the courthouse parking lot (-3)
— Jacqueline is icy towards Kim G, but not rude enough to leave her outside in the cold (-3)
— Jacqueline is pissed, calls the foursome in the pic, “a busted-up ‘Sex and the City’” (+7)
— Makes a valid point: Danielle wants everyone to forget about her felonies, but she’s not willing to let a hair pull go (+1)
— Kim G reveals Danielle has it out for Ashley and Jacqueline (-3)
Net gain/loss: -7
Current total: 72

TERESA (108)
— Her daughters take taekwondo. They are already in training for their run-ins with Danielle (+5)
— Husband Joe promises to reward the girls’ successful sparring with hot dogs. We suspect he might have had better results if he’d have offered ice cream, but what do we know? (-1)
— Apologizes to Kim D for going bonkers at the fashion show (+3)
— Kim D says Teresa was respectful during the actual fashion show so she wasn’t mad at her. Really, Kim was probably just happy that people would be talking about her event for weeks to come (+2)
— Teresa calls herself a softie. Really? (-1)
— Kim G shows up at Kim D’s store while Teresa is still there (-2)
— Line of the night: “The only thing I regret (from the fashion show) is pushing Kim G. She is old, and I do respect the elderly.” Haaaa! (+3)
— Husband is opening a pizza joint/laundromat/apartment complex. They joke about living there, but now that they’ve filed bankruptcy, who knows if they still have it. We’ll give them the benefit of the doubt (+4)
— Uses the word, “entreprenuer” but seems uncertain about its meaning (-2)
Net gain/loss: +11
Current total: 119

CAROLINE (144)
— Family gathers around kitchen island together for breakfast. This is what Caroline lives for (+3)
— After son Albie got booted from his law school, he gets a letter from the school saying it will support his application to another school. It’s too long and drawn out to explain here, but that’s a good thing (+4)
— Gets a visit from Jacqueline and tells her Danielle is trying to hurt them. Thanks, Captain Obvious (-1)
— Wants to make sure that Ashley gets on the right path. Good luck, Caroline. You aren’t the first person to try that, and you certainly won’t be the last (+3)
Net gain/loss: +9
Current total: 153

Current standings:
Caroline: 153
Teresa: 119
Jacqueline: 72
Danielle: -137