Wonder Mom

Last weekend, we were aimlessly surfing the TV channel guide and discovered a show title so intriguing we had to check it out. And within five minutes of tuning into Whisker Wars –a reality series that follows bearded and mustachioed men across the country as the compete in facial hair competitions — we were hooked.

Oh sure, it sounds kinda, um, hairy. But it’s chock full of good stuff, and we got to learn more about a subculture that we didn’t even know existed during one half hour than we ever thought possible. Not to mention that it’s crazy to hear words come out of a guy’s face when you can’t even see his mouth moving. Or his mouth, for that matter.

Here are five reasons Whisker Wars is now part of our must-see TV list.

1. Bearding is a sport. According to the show open, “Bearding is a sport. A sport of growing, grooming and presenting one’s facial hair.” First, we love that avoiding shaving is not only considered an activity, but a competitive athletic endeavor. Because that’s basically what “sport” implies, right? For those who participate, it is Very Serious Business.

2. Facial hair is a gift from the heavens above. These men feel about their beards the same way many feel about their cars or landscaping skills. Says Jack Passion of his ginormous crimson beard: “It’s beautiful. It’s like gold pouring out of my face. … I’m a beardsman — the best there ever was.”

3. Romance and beard coaches. We’re not yet sure what, exactly, a beard coach does. But we do know that Whisker Warrior Myk O’Connor is marrying his. “As ridiculous as it sounds to propose to someone at a beard competition,” he said, “I just couldn’t think of any other way.” Be still my heart.

4. There are people skiing in that guy’s beard! At the various contests, there are several competition categories, which include full beard; full beard, styled mustache; partial beard; and our fave, freestyle beard. In the latter category, we saw a guy use hair products to mold his beard into a ski mountain, into which he affixed several tiny, plastic skier figurines. Then, he, himself also dressed as a skier to present his look to judges. It was Totally. Freakin’. Awesome. And he only took second place!

5. Who knew beardsmen were catty? Apparently, it is sacrilege to use one’s beard-growing knowledge for profit, since all the guys in the Austin Facial Hair Club resent Jack Passion for writing a book on growing a great bead. One AFC member even created a fake Twitter account to ridicule Passion and his exploitation of their precious sport. In fact, most of these dudes are adept at cracking open a can of haterade. After a man with a clearly inferior chin tuft placed in the full beard category, the others exclaimed with disgust, “That second place beard didn’t even belong on this stage.”

Whisker Wars airs at 11 p.m. Fridays on IFC.

For many couples, there’s one straw that breaks the camel’s back before a relationship ends.

But for Jersey Shore’s Ronnie and Sammi, the camel’s back has not only been broken, but backed over 1,000 with a dump truck — and frankly, it’s exhausting to watch. In Thursday’s ep, the duo fought some more, broke up again, and made people on Divorce Court seem like matches made in heaven. Same ol’, same ol’.

But the nice folks at MTV did make room for some other storylines, such as: Snooki’s dream guy turning nightmare; Deena getting some action; Pauly rematching with his stalker from last year; and the Situation’s fornication meeting hesitation when Ronnie spoiled the mood.

It’s a swell summah at the show-ah!:

RONNIE (81)
— Goes out to bar and gets wasted, and puts his exemplary English skills to work: “I’ve dranken a lot more than I drank tonight.” Ronnie, is your last name Merriam-Webster? (-3)
— Walks in the house holding his crotch; faceplants on the bean bag in living room (-1)
— Goes up to his room, vomits in a plastic bag alongside the bed (-4)
— Wakes up and is having rectal bleeding (-5)
— Goes to doctor, where he gets finger probed on television. Just when you think your hangover can’t get any worse… (-4)
— Apparently, Ronnie messed up his ass by drinking too much, but Jersey Shore isn’t a show for learning useful medical facts, so we never really understand how or why it happened (-4)
— Wants some personal space away from Sammi — and in his defense, she is always up in his grill (+2)
— They fight a bunch more, yada yada yada, they break up again (-3)
— Says he wants to be left alone, but Sammi follows him around the house, trying to get him to talk to her. Looks like his personal space is being violated more than once this episode! (-4)
Net gain/loss: -26
Current total: 55

SAMMI (61)
— At bar, Ronnie starts to drink a lot and Sammi starts to get annoyed. Here we go again! (-2)
— Oh wait. She’s going to be nice to him? At home, she fixes him a snack to try and soak up the alcohol (+3)
— Unfortunately, he doesn’t eat and expels his stomach contents into a plastic bag next to the bed (-2)
— Sammi “doesn’t do throw-up,” so she’s repulsed when gets puke on her hand (-4)
— Laughs at Ron after he gets his rectum probed. Injury, meet insult (-3)
— Sitch makes a good point: Sammi spends hours straightening her hair and it’s already straight (-2)
— Right before going out, starts fighting with Ronnie. Instead of going out anyway, she decides to stay home. Hopefully, she’s staying home to laminate her “poor me” card, because that thing sure is getting tattered around the edges from so much use (-2)
— Wakes up Ronnie and tries to lure him into her bed with the promise of clean sheets. No comment (-3)
— Ronnie needs some personal space, but Sammi keeps following him around the house (-1)
— She decides to move her stuff out of his room, but then the show ended so we were left hanging. Somehow, I bet they end up staying put and making each other miserable again next week (+0)
Net gain/loss: -16
Current total: 46

SNOOKI (35)
— Comes home drunk from the bar and passes out in the dog pen with Jenni’s dogs (-2)
— In car, shares that she once spent an entire day masturbating and couldn’t move the next day because her muscles were all sore. Gosh, now I wish I had Ronnie’s plastic barf bag handy (-4)
— At drug store, rides a kiddie tricycle around the aisles, breaks it, returns it to corner of the store. A few weeks later, Johnny’s birthday party suddenly becomes a lot less fun (-3)
— Brings home a gorilla from the bar and wants to have sex with him, but she gets her period. Perhaps this should be called “Too Much Information About Snooki’s Vagina” episode (-2)
— Has fun joking around with Gorilla Jeff the next morning, and asks him to go to the boardwalk and ride rides with her (+3)
— Science with Snooki: She says the reason the ocean is salty is because it’s filled with whale sperm (-5)
— Jeff tells her he’s been engaged before, which annoys her because she wants someone “fresh.” She tells him not to call her (-1)
— He calls her; she hangs up on him (-2)
— He calls back again a couple of times and Pauly plays him out on the phone (+4)
— Goes to sex store with the girls and is the only one to wear her Hustler costume home. I mean, she did put her bare ass in a fridge a few weeks ago, so I guess this shouldn’t surprise me (-3)
— She and the girls are two hours late to work, then has the nerve to get mad when her boss is annoyed (-3)
— Gets angry again when her boss asks her to work instead of b.s.ing with J-Woww all day. Good thing she makes money from living her life on TV, because we can’t even imagine her being gainfully employed (-3)
Net gain/loss: -21
Current total: 14

DEENA (84)
— On car ride to the pharmacy, brings up masturbating to Jenni and Snooki. This might be racy on any other show, but here, it’s the tamest part of the episode (+1)
— You know how Pig Pen in the Peanuts is always surrounded by a cloud of dirt? Well, that’s how Deena is, except it’s a cloud of hair spray (-3)
— Ronnie’s meaty friends come to visit, and she wants to smoosh one of them (+2)
— When friend agrees to come home with her, she rushes everyone out of the bar and back home before he changes his mind (-3)
— Said she wasn’t going to have sex with him because “you need a golden ticket to get into these draw-ahs.” (+2)
— A golden ticket falls from the sky; sex is had. Oopsie (-2)
— Goes out to bar alone with the guys again, and spend the night in a Jersey Turnpike position. (Definition: Bending over and grinding your ass into someone’s crotch while dancing.) Klassy. (-4)
— Deena: “Face down, ass up — that’s the way I like to have a good time.” Dear Deena’s Mom: I hope you’re having an extra-strong drink tonight (-3)
Net gain/loss: -10
Current total: 74 

THE SITUATION (95)
— Brings a girl home from bar, and gives her a purple t-shirt to wear that says Situation. Um…. so does he give these away as souvenirs now? “I got myself into a Situation and all I got was this lousy t-shirt (and herpes).” (-3)
— Is snuggling in his bed with her, then Ronnie starts barfing in the next bed over. Despite his womanizing ways, we do feel really, really sorry for Sitch for getting stuck in this room (-3)
Net gain/loss: -6
Current total: 89

PAULY D (94)
— Pretends to be an answering machine when Snooki’s boy-toy keeps calling, and his ad-libbing is hilarious and top-notch (+6)
— Snooki thinks Pauly is so beautiful she wants him to father her babies someday so that they’ll be pretty. Can you IMAGINE the hair on Snooki-Pauly offspring? (+3)
— Says he doesn’t hold grudges, so invites Danielle (his stalker from last season) over to the house. Yes, the same Danielle that poured a drink on his head a few weeks back (-2)
— Digs out his I (heart) Jewish Girls t-shirt that she made him last season; puts it on (-1)
— With Vinny, torments Danielle for a while before she decides to leave (-2)
Net gain/loss: +4 
Current total: 98

J-WOWW (110)
— Has to extract Snooki from her dogs’ area after she passes out in there (-2)
Net gain/loss: -2 
Current total: 108

VINNY (123)
— Scores the line of the night, in response to Ronnie and Sammi’s nine millionth fight of the season: “Hell has to be just like this.” Hey, that’s how we feel every Thursday at 10, too! (+3)
Net gain/loss: +3 
Current total: 126

CURRENT TOTALS:
Vinny: 126
J-Woww: 108
Pauly D: 98
The Situation: 89
Deena: 74
Ronnie: 55
Sammi: 46
Snooki: 14

Ronnie and Sammi got into another fight on Thursday’s episode of Jersey Shore. Nothing new there.

However, it sure put a damper on what probably would have been a fun and eventful night for everyone else. Snooki had her best friend, Ryder, in town to celebrate her birthday. The other three dudes all brought home ladies from the bar. And even Jenni was rediscovering her happy self with Roger, who came home with her.

Instead, it meant that a full house was on hand to witness the fracas that unfolded (and lasted all night) between the ever-troubled couple. Between Ron and Sam, there was screaming, clothes-throwing, bawling, bag-packing and punching. It’s an understatement to say they caused a scene.

Somehow, the others managed to go about their business in between the drama, but for the most part, it was a night ruined.

Enjoy the spectacle, folks:

RONNIE (102)
— At the bar, talks to the baby mama of a friend. Sammi bounds over in a drunken stupor to reprimand him for speaking to another woman (-2)
— At home, they get into a brawl of epic proportions. Ronnie gets fed up because he didn’t even do anything. Tells her he’s done with her. We’d give him more points for this, but we suspect it won’t last through the end of the episode (+1)
— Sammi threatens to move out and go home. He tells her she should. We couldn’t agree more (+1)
— Sammi storms off downstairs, and Ronnie takes all of her belongings and maniacally throws them in the middle of the room for her to pack up. He’s giggling kind of crazily and seems serious (+2)
— While Sammi packs, Ronnie has a good cry on the couch — and by cry, we mean the can’t-catch-your-breath kind of cry that teenage girls have (-5)
— Jenni consoles him, and they make up. He feels dumb for blaming her for he and Sammi’s problems (+4)
— In confessional, he bawls some more (-3)
— He wanders around the house, making all the roommatees confirm that he hasn’t done anything wrong lately — that he’s indulged all of Sammi’s wants and needs. This is depressing. Someone get this man a shot of steroids to get his temper back up (-4)
— Apologizes to J-Woww for cutting her out because of Sammi (+2)
— Sammi finds out he’s talking to Jenni, storms out on the balcony and starts screaming down at him, “ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HER?” This whole scene is so embarrassing (-3)
— When he reveals that he and Jenni are, indeed, friends again, Sammi goes downstairs and punches him hard in the jaw (-6)
— Later, she tries to talk to him several times, and he completely shuts her out. He doesn’t respond and/or gets up and walks out of the room (+5)
— Cries some more on the rooftop (-3)
— Sammi comes up to apologize, and, of course, HE FREAKIN’ FORGIVES HER. They get back together. God, will someone please put this charade to an end already? (-10)
Net gain/loss: -21 
Current total: 81 

SAMMI (71)
— Is drunk at bar. Sees Ronnie talking to a female friend and rips him a new one. We understand she now has trust issues, but this is the exact reason they should probably break up (-4)
— At home, she sulks in bed after playing some mind games with Ron. “You don’t love me, you hate me.” We wish he did, then we wouldn’t have to watch this painful farce of a realtionship every week! (-3)
— He gets mad, she threatens to go home. He tells her to go ahead (-2)
— Still wasted, she goes downstairs and brings pizza up to him as a peace offering. She clearly doesn’t realize how huge of a fight they just had (-3)
— She probably could have made up some ground by bringing up a couple of dumbbells and some Xenadrine, but is obviously too drunk to use her powers of reasoning (-2)
— Ronnie has thrown all her stuff in the middle of the room. She begins packing up. We get excited that Debbie Downer may leave (+3), but we know it’s probably just a tease (-3)
— She is content to lay in bed and feel sorry for herself until she hears that Ronnie is daring to have a conversation with her mortal enemy, J-Woww. She runs out to the balcony faster than the speed of light and starts shrieking at him (-4)
— Goes downstairs to interrogate him, and when admits he made up with Jenni, she punches him in the face (-8)
— Calls her mom and asks her to come pick her up. Praise the Lord! (+4)
— Most of the roomies abandon their various guests and go to her room and try to convince her to stay (+5)
— Apologizes to Ronnie several times for hitting him, and for being a bitch in general, and he doesn’t say a word to her (-6)
— Goes up to apologize one last time. Ronnie cries, she takes advantage of his sadness and somehow convinces him to forgive her (+4)
— Says she is going to work on her relationship with Ron — and with everyone else in the house. Promises to let her negative energy go. If she can really do that and grow up a little bit, we’re all for it (+5)
— At the bar, she apologizes to Jenni for, well, everything. They hug it out. It’s s good start (+4)
Net gain/loss: -10 
Current total: 61 

J-WOWW (94)
— After going to her house in Long Island to rescue her dogs, says she feels like her real home is in her measly little twin bed at the Jersey Shore. Now that is a sad state of affairs (-3)
— With Snooki, tries to install new locks on her house to keep out her ex. Even with directions, can barely figure it out (-2)
— Packs up her dogs and takes them back to Seaside Heights. The dog’s mouths will officially be the most sanitary things at the house (+3)
— At club, thinks Roger looks good. Brings him home with her. At least she’s single this time (+4)
— When Ronnie is crying over Sammi, she gives him a pep talk (+2). They become friends again (+3)
— She snuggles in bed with Roger, and tells the group she intends to have sex with him once her dogs stop whining (+2)
— Goes on a date with Roger, Deena and her Ronnie-lookalike. In her favor, she does seem a lot happier without Tom in the picture (+3)
— So happy, in fact, that she is able to let her anger go. When Sammi approaches her, they make up and even hug (+4)
Net gain/loss: +16
Current total: 110 

SNOOKI (29)
— Is of no help when Jenni needs to change the locks on her door (-1)
— Best friend Ryder visits to celebrate her 22nd birthday. Fun for Snooks (+2), but I’m feeling pretty old right about now
— We just noticed she is wearing shorts that look more like underwear (-2)
— When Jenni and Deena go on date night, she and Vinny go to the sex shop for some good cheer (+3)
— Buys stripper pole for the house (+4)
Net gain/loss: +6 
Current total: 35 

DEENA (87)
— Deena entertains Ryder while Snooki finishes Project Dog Rescue with J-Woww. She starts by feeding her shots in the bar, then taking her on a bunch of carnival rides at the boardwalk (-2)
— Ryder does not barf all over her (+3)
— Gets home and pops them open a bottle of wine (+2)
— Goes out on a date with Ronnie lookalike, Dean; they hold hands on the boardwalk (+1)
— Dean tells all the guys at the local barbershop that Deena likes a certain sex act that shall remain unnamed (-4)
— Barber tells all her male roommates about it (-5)
— She vehemently denies the accusations, and tells Dean off when she sees him in the club (+3), but we suspect the dudes will continue to give her hell for it anyway (-1)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 84 

VINNY (121)
— Since Snooki is gone when Ryder arrives, Vinny answers door for her best friend Ryder. It’s awkward because he did, in fact, ride her when she came to visit in Miami (-2)
— Goes to club, and charms a gorgeous girl (+3)
— Too bad she’s there with at least one burly cousin and her slightly-creepy, protective uncle (-5)
— Still, he talks her into coming back to the house with him (+3)
— At home, sounds the “grenade whistle” to warn that a grenade is on the premesis. In this case, it’s Pauly’s pick-up (+2)
— Cuddles with his hot chick on outdoor furniture while chatting with other housemates (+3), but her uncle shows up to take her home (-2)
— When Sammi wants to move out, he’s the first to go up and try to talk her out of it. Nice gesture (+1), but everyone would probably be happier if she took her negative energy home (-2)
— Calls Sammi out on her ego. Does not get punched in mouth (+1)
Net gain/loss: +2 
Current total: 123 

THE SITUATION (101)
— Gets a girl to come home with him from the bar, but Sammi and Ronnie’s huge melee kind of takes over the entire night (-2)
— He asks Sammi for a condom, so we presume he’s planning to have sex. But she told him to go ask Ron. Shouldn’t they have a vat of those things in the smoosh room? (-4)
— Sees Sammi clock Ronnie in the jaw, and goes down to console him (+3)
— We think, but are not positive, that he might have forgone sex to be a friend to Ronnie, as his girl is shown alone in the bed (+2)
— Taunts Deena at the gym about the sex rumors Dean started about her. Seriously? After all the skanks this guy has brought home, and he wants to ridicule Deena? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -6 
Current total: 95 

PAULY D (99)
— Ends up bringing a grenade home from the bar (-3)
— Realizes it, and is able to dodge her. She goes home (+2)
— Tries to eavesdrop when Sammi goes to apologize to Ronnie (-2)
— Is not getting enough air time this season (-2)
Net gain/loss: -5 
Current total: 94 

CURRENT TOTALS: Vinny: 123
J-Woww: 110
The Situation: 95
Pauly D: 94
Deena: 84
Ronnie: 81
Sammi: 61
Snooki: 35

Let’s face it: Jenni “J-Woww” Farley’s relationship with her boyfriend Tom probably lasted a lot longer than anyone expected. People that come onto reality shows with significant others seldom see the pairing last through one season.

In Thursday night’s episode of Jersey Shore, we finally saw the details of how her relationship with ex-boyfriend, Tom, unraveled… and it wasn’t pretty. This happened alongside Snooki’s introspection upon being let out of jail, during which time she decided she needed to significantly cut down the amount she was drinking. (Ya think?)

The majority of the episode revolved around the bronzed besties and their lives, with brief appearances by Deena (who provided your weekly dose of drunken bar antics), and cameos by the rest of the crew.

Here’s how it shook down:

J-WOWW (82)
— Calls her boyfriend and he screams at her for not calling him the night before. When she explains she’s trying to get Snooki out of jail, he doesn’t care (-3)
— He calls back and she hangs up on him a couple of times. This goes on throughout the episode so much that we lose count. Suffice it to say the writing is on the wall with this relationship (-4)
— Could not make time to speak to boyfriend, but did have time to go have a “Free Snooki” tank top printed up, which she wore when she and the others picked up Snooks from the slammer (+3)
— Has a heart-to-heart with Snooki, who says she’s been depressed and drinking more since her break up with Emilio in Miami. She tells Snooki to stop settling for the first guy that comes along; that she deserves better (+3)
— Before going out, applies bronzer to her enormous cleavage. If she does that every night, she must drop a bundle at Sephora (-1)
— Although she and Tom are technically still together, she wants to “start fresh with (ex-boyfriend) Roger and see where things go.” Probably, she needs some alone time between the two, but that’s not gonna happen (-3)
— Is never shown calling boyfriend Tom, but calls Roger several times. They go on a couple of outings to the boardwalk and go on fast rides that forces them to be pressed up against one another. Just dump Tom already, girl (-2)
— Roger comes back to house and they share a bed together, and Jenni says they didn’t have sex. I’m sure Tom will totally understand (-2)
— Tom calls the next day, and most of the roommates move into the living room so they can listen to her conversation with him. How obnoxious! (-3)
— They scream at each other and break up. Finally! (+5)
— Tom moves out of their house, but leaves her two dogs inside (sans air conditioner, we find out on the after show) to basically roast to death and starve inside (-10)
— Thankfully, pooches are OK…and very excited to see their mom (+4)
— Upon further investigation of her house, she finds Tom has taken her bed, her computer hard drive, a really expensive watch that was a graduation present (not from him), and possibly cleaned out some of her money as well (-10)
— OK, J-Woww, we’re totally on your side now. We even kinda wish you’d have had sex with Roger. GOOD RIDDANCE, TOM! (+35)
Net gain/loss: +12 
Current total: 94

SNOOKI (38)
— Says it’s “embarrassing” that she went to jail, but we suspect she’ll find bigger things to be ashamed of after watching this season (-2)
— Talks to her dad on phone and describes her jail experience as a “phenomenon.” No, wait! “A train wreck, that’s what I meant.” Yes folks, this wordsmith is a published author (-4)
— Dad tells her he’s disappointed in her and that she should “bury her head in the sand from embarrassment.” Um, been there, done that. It’s how she ended up in jail, pops (-3)
— Most of her roomies go to pick her up from jail (+5)
— She chats with the gang at home for a while, and we’re thinking… she’s still wearing the minidress from the night before (or two nights before at this point?). Please shut up and go take a shower (-4)
— That point was nailed home when Jenni pointed out the sand packed between Snooki’s cleavage (-3)
— Stays home for a night and chills; does some self-reflection with Jenni (+2)
— Goes to club the next night and doesn’t make an ass of herself. And by that we mean she didn’t pass out in public (+4)
— Appears to have traded in her poof for a trucker hat — an equally awful and outdated look (-2)
— Is depressed from her public humiliation, so J-Woww has her boy toy, Roger, bring a friend to meet Snooki. The guy, Nick, is a big, meaty, gorilla juicehead (+3)
— They plan a date for later. Snooki gets really excited and reveals that whenever she gets really amped about soemthing, she always has to empty her bowels. After she relives herself, she proclaims: “I had a baby on the toilet.” We can’t imagine why she’s single (-7)
— Brings the juicehead home with her, and while it isn’t immediately clear whether they had sex, she said in the confessional that she already wanted to have sex with him. So, we’re counting it (+2)
Net gain/loss: -9 
Current total: 29 

DEENA (83)
— Goes out to the club with Mike, Vinny and Pauly, but promises to be a good wingman because she, too, likes girls when she’s drunk (+2)
— At bar, lets girls take body shots off her, then kisses them after. She mostly does her own thing and doesn’t cramp their style like Angelina did in Miami. She receives the MVP stamp of approval (+6)
— Meets a guy that looks exactly like Ronnie. She repeatedly calls him “the perfect guy for me,” and the whole thing is freaking out the dudes a little bit (-3)
— As expected, she brings him home with her to hot tub. She emerges wearing a too-small string bikini, a white cowboy hat and white heels. She looks good in bathing suit (+3), but the accessories are (shocker!) overkill (-1)
— She asks Ronnie 2.0 if he has a girlfriend and he kind of stutters out a “no,” which she accepts as truth — or she really doesn’t care to know the truth (-1)
— He spends the night and they hook up. No sex, she says, but he did know her in other intimate ways (+3)
— Sammi sees him leave the next morning and tells Deena the guy has a girlfriend. Is anyone here surprised? (-5)
Net gain/loss: +4 
Current total: 87

PAULY D (94)
— Provides the comic relief in a somewhat intense episode. He reenacts the conversation in which Jenni and Snooki decided to write Sammi a note last season; narrates a Flip camera video session; and cracks a few funnies when Jenni is on the phone with her boyfriend (+5)
Net gain/loss: +5 
Current total: 99 

VINNY (115)
— Shoots some videos with the Flip camera to try and cheer up Snooki (+2)
— Gets in a pretend wrestling match with Jenni; she suffocates him between her giant globes (+4)
Net gain/loss: +6 
Current total: 121 

RONNIE (100)
— Makes it thorugh an entire episode without fighting with Sammi (+2) Net gain/loss:
Current total: 102 

SAMMI (70)
— Is pretty much absent from this episode, except to tell Deena that her hook-up has a girlfriend. And she does it in person, not through a note (+1)
Net gain/loss: +1 
Current total: 71 

THE SITUATION (101)
— The Sitch was a background character this week (+0)
Net gain/loss: +0
Current total: 101 

CURRENT TOTALS:
Vinny: 121
Ronnie: 102
The Situation: 101
Pauly D: 99
J-Woww: 94
Deena: 87
Sammi: 71
Snooki: 29

Season 2.5 Smoosh-o-meter:
Vinny: 2
The Situation: 1
Snooki: 1

MTV sure knows how to cure a case of the Mondays.

For reasons unknown but much appreciated, the network formerly known as Music Television offered us a special episode of Jersey Shore, on what is generally considered the most dreaded day of the week. And if it didn’t make you feel pretty good about your own life, then you may be due for a stint in therapy… or rehab.

It was the much-anticipated episode where Snookums gets totally obliterated, rolls around in the sand at the beach, cusses out the cops and gets hauled off to the pokey. So as you might imagine, Snooki plummeted down to the bottom of the scorecard this week. But she wasn’t the only cast member to shame her parental units. J-Woww relieved herself in public; Deena got turned down by the Sitch (again); Sammi and Ronnie fought some more; and Pauly encountered his stalker from season one.

Finally, Vinny and Mike picked up some wholesome young ladies at the bar, and gleaned carnal knowledge of them.

Here’s what we can’t figure out: Why doesn’t Trojan buy up every, single commercial break during Jersey Shore? Seems like a no-brainer.

Let’s hit it!

SNOOKI (97)
— Gets drunk and eats a raw potato in the kitchen. At least she’s branching out from pickles (+1)
— Is wasted at home, begs Vinny for sex and we learn she has nicknamed his unit “Seabiscuit.” Total overshare (-3)
— He turns her down (-2), so she sets out on a mission to get Deena and Mike to hook up (-3)
— Goes to GTL with Pauly; does not wear underwear. The TMI in this ep is only beginning, friends (-3)
— After smearing her backside with tanning lotion, it gets burned in the cancer booth and itches furiously, as fried skin often does (-2)
— She goes home, opens the mini fridge and sits inside. Just when we can’t get any more grossed out that her butt is where food should be, she says she has to poop. No wonder Vinny doesn’t want to hump her. She’s NASTY, and not in the good Janet Jackson way (-6)
— At club, is totally smashed and falls flat on her butt (-2)
— When Jenni pees on the floor in the bar (see below for details), Snooki says, “Who pees in a bar?” Yet just last week, Snooki said she’d poop in a bush. Ladies, this is not a third world country. Find a toilet (-2)
— Next day, is so hungover that she goes to work wearing her micro mini dress from the night before, a baseball cap, fuzzy frog slippers and is wrapped in a blanket. Granted, it’s not Wall Street, but still (-4)
— Gets annoyed because her boss won’t let her drink beer at work. Says she’s going to get a coffee, but goes to nearby bar to do shots. Next stop: Celebrity Rehab (-4) — After work, returns to the bar, still wearing last night’s clothes and slippers, and winds up coaching old people on their sex lives. If I weren’t getting paid to watch this, I’d probably have to turn it off right about now (-3)
— It’s still daytime, mind you, and she’s off the charts blotto. She takes off down the boardwalk, asks a man where the beach is and he indicates it’s about four steps away from her (-4)
— Tries to get in the ocean carrying her slippers and a Coach bag; rolls around in the sand; is unable to walk without help from Jenni and Deena (-10)
— Once you stop focusing on her jackassery, you see ALL the people on the beach, and then on the street, lined up and gawking their eyeballs out of their head (-5)
— Starts swearing at the cops, and of course, gets arrested for being drunk and causing a scene (-10)
— It will take her longer to sober up than it will to do her jail time, though, so it probably won’t be that bad (+2)
Net gain/loss: -60
Current total: 38

J-WOWW (97)
— Has been fighting with boyfriend, Tom, so is flirting and dancing with her ex at the bar. This can’t lead anywhere good (-2)
— Finds out her ex has a girlfriend, and she gets annoyed because he lied and told her he was single (-1)
— Goes upstairs to a closed off area of bar with Snooki to chill, but there’s no bathroom, so she does what any classy young lady would do: She cops a squat behind the unmanned bar and pees on the floor (-9)
— She then squirts water on the floor to dilute the pee so that it wouldn’t smell anymore. In theory, we should throw her a point or two for this, but we’re still digusted, so minus two (-2)
— The next day, tries unsuccessfully to reign in Snooki’s drunkenness at the beach (-3)
— When Snooks goes to jail, Jenni calls her dad to let him know. Isn’t this violating the friend code? Or was she trying to tell him before he found out from TMZ? We’ll give her the benefit of the doubt (+2)
Net gain/loss: -15 
Current total: 82 

THE SITUATION (96)
— Has no interest in bedding Deena or Snooki individually, but when Snooki mentions a threesome, he perks up like Scooby Doo for a Scooby snack (+3)
— Too bad Snooks was pulling the okey-doke to try and get Deena and Mike in a bedroom situation, and as soon as that happened, she took off (-4)
— Once he realizes his dreams of four boobs and two vaginas at the same time is an oasis, he pulls a “kitchen ditchin’” — which means he pretends to be hungry, then after eating, makes his way back to his twin bed and leaves Deena alone in the other room. Him turning down sex is almost unheard of, though, so… (+2)
— Don’t worry yourselves about Mike’s suffering libido, folks. He found an old crush at the bar the next day; she came home and spent the night with him in the smoosh room (+4)
Net gain/loss: +5
Current total: 101

DEENA (94)
— Wants to be the 5,067th notch on The Situation’s bedpost, so Snooki comes up with an idea to get them in a dark room together (+3)
— Talks Mike’s ear off, so he makes out with her a little to shut her up (+2)
— Goes to the bathroom to freshen up, and he pulls and emergency escape from the hook-up session (-5)
— At club, is dancing on the stage in a drunken stupor, continually falls off of it and exposes herself below the belt multiple times (-7)
— Gets kicked out of club for being too wasted. She calls herself a blast in a glass, but she’s more like a dreg in a keg (-4)
Net gain/loss: -11 
Current total: 83 

SAMMI (72)
— When Sammi and Ronnie get into a blowout fight (which Sammi stirred up because she imagined he was out cheating on her again), she decides she needs to get some other friends in the house. However, what she really needs is some therapy. She was already high-maintanence, and after his cheating antics last season, she’s damaged goods (-3)
— She starts Operation Girlfriends by apologizing to Snooki. Better late than never (+5)
— Is impressed that Snooki accepted her apology, and says that if the situation were reversed, she would not do the same. Man, she makes it hard to root for her (-4)
Net gain/loss: -2 
Current total: 70 

RONNIE (90)
— After Sammi picks a fight, Ronnie takes his rage to the gym and works out some frustrations in the boxing ring. At least he refrained from hurling the b- or c-words at her this time (+3)
— Wakes up and cooks turkey burgers for Mike and his bar conquest at 4:30 a.m. (+3)
— When Vinny comes out after getting laid, he and Ronnie chow down on burgers and share some laughs. It appears to be the first bit of fun Ron has had since arriving (+4)
Net gain/loss: +10 
Current total: 100 

VINNY (107)
— Although Snooki is begging Vinny for sex, and even comes to his bed after he turns her down, he denies her again. Says he doesn’t want to take advantage of her when she’s drunk. (Oh, and also that her alcohol breath made him shrivel up down there.) (+3)
— Picks up a woman at the bar and gets some action. She leaves immediately afterward to go meet some friends. No cuddling required (+3)
— Vinny goes out to the deck after sex and food is waiting for him. Vinny’s having great luck so far this season (+2)
Net gain/loss: +8 
Current total: 115 

PAULY D (98)
— Sees his stalker from the first season of Jersey Shore at the bar. She walks over and throws a drink in his face. (Background: Apparently, after the show aired, she and her mother said her portrayal on JS ruined her life and she had to temporarily move out of the country to recover from the embarrassment) (-4)
Net gain/loss: -4
Current total: 94

CURRENT TOTALS:
VINNY: 115
THE SITUATION: 101
RONNIE: 100
PAULY D: 94
DEENA: 83
J-WOWW: 82
SAMMI: 70
SNOOKI: 39

Getting it in: We’re keeping score this season, and so far, Vinny is leading the pack.
Vinny: 2
Mike: 1
Everyone else: 0

After a brief hiatus, perhaps to allow viewers’ brains to regenerate a bit, Jersey Shore has made its way back to TV with some fresh, new, inebriated antics. Technically, this is the second half of season two, but since they’ve moved from Miami back to Jersey, we’ve given them a fresh start in points.

The debauchery kicked off last week, but much of the episode was dedicated to the cast driving back to the shore, and frankly, nobody really gives a fist pump about that. So, we’re picking up with them in week two, where the absurdity is well underway.

Any integral happenings (and we use ‘integral’ loosely here) will be lumped in with this, our inaugural Character Countdown for season three. You know how we do: Everybody starts with 100 points, then gain or lose points — mostly lose, on this show — based on their own stupidity or things that happen to them.

One thing to note: There’s a new girl in town, Deena, who is both friends with, and a carbon copy of, Snooki.

Let the good times roll!

SAMMI (100)
— Came to house with total attitude, and treated the other women like piles of dirt, despite their efforts at being civil. She’s still bitter because of the whole Ronnie/letter debacle in Miami (-2)
— Shortly after Deena called her the c-word on the first night in the house, Sammi screamed at her. She appeared to take all pent-up anger out on Deena. (You’ll recall Ronnie called her the same thing in Miami and she got back together with him the next day) (-3)
— Also, a side note: You don’t really hear people use the c-word much. It’s kind of a last-reserve word that you use on a deplorable human being. Sammi should do some self-reflecting about why this has been thrown at her twice, by two different people, in a short time (-3)
— Gets on Ronnie’s case because he didn’t berate Snooki enough during the brouhaha (-1)
— She and Ron skip out on the Sunday dinner tradition, further alienating themselves from the rest of the group (-2)
— Just when you think Ronnie is the biggest jerk in this relationship (after his Miami transgressions), Sammi does a bunch of small, bitchy things that aren’t worth itemizing, so we’ll just dock her in one lump (-6)
— Gets mad when everyone wants to go for a walk on the boardwalk because she wants to be alone with Ronnie, even though she’s spent every waking second with him since they arrived (-1)
— Angry and bitter, Sammi would rather stand alone on the boardwalk and glare at everyone than sit in the same roller coaster that the others are riding. Calling her a wet blanket would be a compliment (-3)
— Sammi chose to get back together with Ronnie after all his cheating, but she continues to persecute him for it every day (-4)
— Gets into big fight with him before they go to bed. Blah blah blah (-3)
Net gain/loss: -28 
Current total: 72

RONNIE (100)
— Has a romantic day with Sammi: Takes her to church, belches audibly during dinner, and then wins her a giant stuffed banana playing carnival games (+2)
— As Sammi spirals into her self-pity and hatred for the other housemates, she ends up sucking Ron down the rabbit hole with her. Ron: “I’m taking her misery and making it mine.” (-7)
— Dares to have a fun time with the roomies on the boardwalk (+4), but Sammi ends up sulking all night (-2) — Finally gets fed up with her negativity, swears at her a little, then gives her the silent treatment. This is a match made in hell (-3)
Net gain/loss: -10 
Current total: 90 

THE SITUATION (100)
— Was the last one to arrive to the house last week, and got stuck with the bed nobody wanted: The one in the same room with Ronnie and Sammi. That’s right, the guy who gets the most ass has to share a room with a couple that argues all the time. Total. Blast. (-5)
— Gets up early in the morning and goes around waking everyone up. Jerk move, for sure, but if I were in a room with Ron and Sam, I’d be outta there ASAP, too (+1)
— Makes Sunday dinner for everyone, but Sammi and Ron go out to eat. Meh, that just means no drama and more meat for the other meatheads (+3)
— He and Vinny bring home a drunk girl, who basically says she’ll sleep with both of them. Seriously, their standards blow me away (-2)
— Vinny whisks the girl away into the “guest room” (aka: the den of bodily fluids exchange) and locks the door. There will be no entry of any kind for the Sitch tonight (-5)
— Deena sorta offers him sex, but he turns her down. He and Jenni are the only people in the house smart enough to NOT sleep with a roommate (+4)
Net gain/loss: -4
Current total: 96

DEENA (100)
— Last week, got completely naked in front of Mike about four hours after she met him. (-3) We’re still not really sure why, but she’ll fit right in here (+2)
— On their first night in the house, after Sammi treated her like a pariah, called Sammi the c-word. If Sammi hadn’t been acting like one, we’d dock her… but… well, you know (+3)
— If scientists hold a press conference to say that the ozone layer suddenly disappeared, it’s because Deena used more aerosol hairspray in one night that I used during all of the 1980s (-5)
— Offers herself to Mike and he turns her down. Honestly, that’s got to hurt the ego because that guy would mount my Subaru’s exhaust pipe if he were drunk enough (-3)
Net gain/loss: -6
Current total: 94

SNOOKI (100)
— Last week, stuck up for Deena when she fought with Sammi, setting a record for saying b*tch more times in a 30 second rant than has ever been done by anyone in the world (+3)
— At the bar, disappears for a while. Jenni finds her hiding in a bush on the patio. Snooki: “I will pee in a bush, I will poop in a bush, I will hide in a bush.” God, her parents must be swelling with pride right now (-4)
— The next day, gets upset because Deena wakes her up at the crack of noon (-2)
Net gain/loss: -3 
Current total: 97

J-WOWW (100)
— After listening to Sammi and Deena argue, charges over to Sammi and clocks her a couple of times before the fight gets broken up by Vinny and producers (+3)
— Calls boyfriend in the middle of the night in a drunken stupor, complaining that she lost her favorite gold bracelet. He barely says two words to her (-2)
— We think he’s kind of a jerk, until he reminds her that today is their anniversary. Jenni celebrated it by wearing a flourescent pink slut uniform to a nightclub, and then forgetting their special day. Oooopsie (-4)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 97

VINNY (100)
— While everyone just sits and watches, Vinny finally breaks up the fist fight between Jenni and Sammi. Nice (+2), but we wanted to see a little but more of it, so we’re deducting a point for that (+1)
— At the club, gets his very own stalker. “She is the parasite. I am the host.” (-2)
— With Mike, brings home a girl they intend to “share,” but ends up squirreling away this refined individual for his own personal smooshing pleasure. Yep, Mike, that’s karma for trying to steal his chick in Miami (+4)
— Except this girl wasn’t all that discriminating, so it wasn’t much of a coup (-2)
— He is the first one to use the smoosh room, which means that all manner of diseases and nastiness haven’t yet had a chance to accumulate (+3)
— When Sammi and Deena lose a ball from the rooftop deck, Vinny dismantles a beer bong, attaches the pieces to a broom, and somehow gets the ball back from a neighboring roof (+3)
Net gain/loss: +7
Current total: 107

PAULY D (100)
— After running through a rain storm, his hair is slightly wilted, but mostly still a wall of gel (+2)
— He needs a haircut. It’s too tall (-1)
— While the others are making dinner, asks if you’re supposed to marinate filet “mig-nun.” Too much hair product has eroded necessary parts of his brain (-3)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current total: 98

CURRENT TOTALS:
Vinny: 107
Pauly D: 98
J-Woww: 97
Snooki: 97
Deena: 94
Ronnie: 90
Sammi: 75

Usually, we need at least one season to get to know and love (or hate) a set of Real Housewives.

But The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills had us at “I’m rich and riddled with plastic surgery.” It’s only been two episodes and we’re more committed to this show than its stars are to Botox. So we figured, hey, let’s count these crazies down for the remainder of the season.

In the third episode, we catch up with the ladies as they take a trip to Las Vegas to see Jay-Z in concert. (Who knew? We pegged them as more of a Michael Buble or Celine Dion kind of bunch.)

Adrienne shows the women and their husbands a good time at the Palms Hotel and Casino, which she owns with her brothers; Camille’s hubby, Kelsey Grammer, has just moved to New York for a year for work and Taylor’s husband chooses work over his wife.

Just to refresh you, each lady begins our countdown with 100 points. Each week, she’ll earn or lose points based on things she does, or things that happen to her. When the season ends, one lucky lady will be our winner, and some poor sap will surely end up in the negatives.

You know how we do:

CAMILLE (100)
— In Kelsey’s absence, Camille plays tennis on her private court with a handsome fella named Nick, explaining that she likes hanging out with athletic guys when Kelsey is away. I’m no marriage counselor, but this doesn’t really seem like a great idea (-2)
— Before playing, stretches in a provocative manner, admitting she likes to flirt with Nick (-2)
— Says it’s OK, though, because he’s one of Kelsey’s best friends. As Adrienne pointed out, if Kelsey is having a friend keep an eye on Camille, this hottie is probably not a wise choice (-5)
— When Adrienne invites her to Las Vegas, she says, “Why not do something for me?” Ummmm, call us crazy, but weren’t you just doing that on the tennis court? (-3)
— At dinner, laments that it’s hard to be a “single mother” of two while Kelsey is away, even though she has four nannies. Kyle and Kim, who each have four children and no nanny, could not look more stunned (-6)
— In Vegas, dances sexily at the club, making sex faces and slapping her own ass. Knows all the other ladies’ husbands are watching her and likes it (-4)
— Practically gives Adrienne’s hubby a lap dance (-4)
— He sticks $5 in her shirt; she is insulted by the piddly amount and gives it back (-2)
— Says she feels more comfy with men than women because women can be catty. This is true; women are their own worst enemies. BUT, if you’re trying to make female friends, acting like a sex pot inches away from their menz probably isn’t the shrewdest move, either (-4)
— Sits down at the pool in between all the hubbies and talks about her breast implants. See above(-3)
— Nick randomly shows up in Vegas and stops in at dinner to say hi to Camille. Hmm…that seems kind of suspect, but perhaps it was a coincidence. Yeah, right (-2)
— After the concert, everyone goes up to the penthouse suite. Camille leaves early because the husbands are actually paying attention to their wives (-1)
— At the end of Vegas trip, gets into a skirmish with Kyle (-2)
Net gain/loss:-40 
Current total: 60

ADRIENNE
— Has a house so huge that she has to use an intercom to find her husband. And when she calls him, it echoes (+5)
— Tells him that Jay-Z gonna be performing in Vegas and she wants to take the girls. Just once, I wish I could get a call like this from one of my girlfriends (+4)
— Hubby loves Jay-Z (!) and wants to go (+5)
— Shows everyone around the Palms, including the totally awesome basketball suite, which includes a half court (+3)
— Keeps her cool when Camille is behaving like a Rock of Love contestant for her husband (+3)
— Several more scenes are shot in various areas of the Palms. This episode is like one giant commercial for Adrienne’s business (+10)
Net gain/loss: +27 
Current total: 127

KYLE (100)
— Calls out Kim on her bad man choices at group dinner. Nobody needs to be reminded of their failed relationships (-2)
— Say she is excited about going to Jay-Z concert, but when her daughter asks her to name one Jay-Z song, she fails. I think even my mom can name one. (Can’t you, mom? I know you’re reading this; please say yes.) (-4)
— When packing for Vegas, says she needs three outfits per day, plus a back-up ensemble. We would make fun of this if we didn’t completely overpack every time we go on vacation. Hey, you’ve gotta be prepared (+5)
— Husband says nice things about her at group dinner when talking about why he married her (+3)
— Ate very minimally for the week leading up to Vegas trip so that she’d look good. Somewhere, another young lady considers an eating disorder (-7)
— Got into a tiff with Camille in Vegas, but we don’t know whose side to take because Bravo’s cameras apparently didn’t catch it (-2)
Net gain/loss: -7 
Current total: 93

TAYLOR
— Packs husband’s bags for trip, even though his arms are not broken and he knows what he wants to bring (-3)
— Basically admits that she married him to achieve a certain kind of lifestyle, not for true love. Guess someone never saw The Princess Bride as a kid (-5)
— At dinner, admits to the group that she had to chase him for months before they started dating. Everyone is stunned because for this guy, she’d be considered quite a get (-4)
— Husband leaves her alone in Vegas for the day to golfing in Arizona. We’re starting to think maybe she’s his beard (-4)
— At another dinner, eats cotton candy for dessert in a manner that should have required a parental advisory (-3)
— Has at least heard one Jay-Z song prior to going to the show, which is more than we can say for anyone else here besides Adrienne and her hubs (+3)
— Hubby Russell has no apparent social skills and can’t hold down a convo with anyone (-5)
— In the middle of a nightcap in the penthouse suite with the gang, makes Taylor leave to go get something to eat. What’s the point of being rich (and married, for that matter) if you never get to have any fun? (-4)
Net gain/loss: -25
Current total: 75

LISA (100)
— Has everyone meet for dinner at her restaurant before the trip, and the food makes us want a midnight snack (+4)
— Quote: “A woman can never have too many shoes.” Amen, sister, amen! (+5)
— Has a closet that is bigger than the main level of my house (+3)
— We see her husband’s suitcase and learn that he wears black Dolce & Gabbana undies. I never wanted to imagine her hubby in his skivvies, but there it is (-2)br> — Doesn’t understand what Jay-Z is saying. But we’re pretty sure even if she could hear the words, she still wouldn’t understand the slang. Just a guess (-2)
— Thinks Camille is over-reacting to her tiff with Kyle and was hearing what she wanted to hear. Based on our snap judgement, we tend to agree (+1)
Net gain/loss: +9
Current total: 109

KIM (100)
— Is looking forward to going out on a date. We are too, because she seems like a really lonely woman (+4)
— In Las Vegas, laments that she’s sad and would like a companion. It sucks being a third wheel, but on this trip, she’s the only one without some sort of male presence over the weekend (-3)
Net gain/loss: +1
Current total: 101

CURRENT TOTALS:
Adrienne: 127 Lisa: 109
Kim: 101
Kyle: 93
Taylor: 75
Camille: 60

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who think Halloween is for kids, and those who think that trading in your regular persona for one night gets even more entertaining as an adult.

You’re probably not reading this story unless you’re in the latter group, so … welcome aboard the fun train! I love Halloween just as much as I love TV (maybe even more!!), so it’s only natural that the two would come together at some point.

So, with Halloween just around the corner, here are some TV costume ideas based on different moods, as well as some tips to get you started. Happy haunting!

If you…

… want something hair-raising: Snooki or Pauly D from Jersey Shore.
This is the first Halloween to occur since the cast of Jersey Shore took the nation by storm, so these costumes will probably be some of the year’s hottest. (They are actually selling prepackaged costumes and “Guido kits” online.) What will make your ensemble stand out is perfecting the infamous hairdos.
What you need: Hair long enough to achieve either look — wigs won’t do the job here. Also, a can of AquaNet; a blow dryer; and someone who grew up in the 1980s to help you achieve maximum height.
As for clothes, men need a graphic print t-shirt; rosary; jeans; multiple tattoos (fake or real); and self-tanner. Women should look for a dress that’s two sizes too small; a couple of cantaloupes for breasts; orange body paint. Then you’re done because… no panties required!

… want to be stylish: Someone — anyone — from the Mad Men cast.
If you’re a dude, your best option is Don Draper. He’s the star of the show: The guy who gets all the chicks; the hottie; the powerful businessman; and most importantly, the best-dressed fella. If you’re a lady, you can choose based on hair color, body type or mood. Petite, blonde Betty, a former model, has infinite class and style; curvy redhead Joan is the sex bomb. Even the plain brunette Peggy Olson has stepped up her game from frumpy to conservative chic.
What you need: For Don, a nice suit and tie; dark, gelled hair; a pack of smokes; a glass of Scotch in one hand. This is the perfect costume for getting totally blitzed, because, hey, you’re just getting into character, right?
For the ladies, a quaint, beautifully cut dress. To truly achieve greatness, you’ll need to comb consignment and vintage shops or hit the sewing machine. (You might even be lucky enough to find a gem in your mom or grandma’s old clothes, if they saved them.) For Joan, add a gold pen and hang it from a chain around your neck, which should rest nicely between your ample bosom. For Betty, consider adding a block of ice where her heart would be.

… want to be scary: A True Blood vampire.
The great thing about these characters is that each has its own distinct, sexy look and personality. Between Eric Northman, Bill Compton, Pam or baby vamp Jessica, there’s a TB vamp for everyone. What you need: Fangs and fake blood. Then add personal touches for each bloodsucker based on their characters. Eric, for example, could have foils in his hair; Bill could carry a bottle of Tru Blood; Pam always dresses like she’s going to the nighclub and has an affinity for fabulous shoes; Jessica has a more innocent, small-town sex appeal. Just be sure you make it home before dawn…

… want to be scary, but are also lazy: Dexter. The beauty of this ensemble is that Dex looks and dresses like a normal guy. You probably already have this stuff in your closet.
What you need: His everyday look entails a neutral, short-sleeved button up shirt and a pair of khakis. His killing outfit isn’t all that tough either: A long sleeved olive green shirt and black pants. Spatter some blood on yourself, grab a couple of fake knives and call it a night. Extra credit if you have some garbage bags hanging out of your pants pockets, or carry around a box of blood slides.

… want to make an entrance: Tareq and Michaele Salahi from The Real Housewives of D.C.
Even if people don’t watch Real Housewives, they couldn’t have missed White House state dinner party crasher news story that dominated media almost a year ago. To pull this off, show up to the party late and make a big scene upon arrival (“Of course we have an invitation!”).
What you need: For Tareq, a suit, white hair, and to nail in the point, you could cover yourself in slime. For Michaele, wear a boldly colored sari; a long, blonde, scraggly wig; and a perma-smile. You could even add some maroon and gold pom-pons, as the former makeup artist also has lied about having cheered for the Washington Redskins during the 1980s.

… are of a certain age, but still hot: Jules Cobb from Cougar Town.
Sure, you could go as a cougar in general, but why not throw in a pop culture reference while you’re at it?
What you’ll need: An outfit that’s sexy but perhaps a tad too revealing. Jules never leaves home without an oversized purse, and she’s always sucking down a glass of red wine. (This is another costume with a built-in excuse to drink.) Last, secure a date that’s 10 years your junior — for authenticity, of course (wink, wink).

… go in a group: Real Housewives of New Jersey, or Big Love family.
Going out with the ladies? A Teresa/Danielle/Jacqueline/Caroline foursome would be divine! Have a couple of guys in your group? Add in Teresa’s hubby Joe and Danielle’s thug friend Danny. Or go a completely different (and more warmly-dressed) direction and go as some Mormons from Big Love.
What you need: For the Housewives crew, lots of animal print, hair spray, black eyeliner, potty mouths, attitude. (Bratty kids optional, but Teresa should carry a table and throw it from time to time.) For the BL crew, you’ll need conservative clothing in varying levels of modesty to capture Margene, Barb and Nicki. Bill needs a suit, perhaps some political propaganda from his recent campaign, and a backpack full of children.

… are answering the door for trick-or-treaters: A character from Yo Gabba Gabba!
If you want to be the hit at the door or at a kid party, dressing up as Muno, Brobee, Foofa, Toodee, Plex or DJ Lance Rock is the way to go. A cult-favorite among kids and parents alike, this children’s show is steadily gaining in popularity and poised to be as big as Dora the Explorer in no time.
What you need: A sewing machine, and likely, more patience than a Project Runway contestant. You see, you can buy these costumes in toddler sizes (and DJ Lance Rock comes in adult men sizes), but big kids are going to have to concoct a full-size, mascot-like outfit. So, start early! (FYI, Brad Pitt was Lance Rock last year!!)

… want a unisex costume using things you already have: A hoarder.
During the past year, hoarding has become the latest disturbing illness captured by documentary television. Showing up to the party as a traveling hoarder would not only be timely, but totally unique. After all, no two messes are exactly alike!
What you need: One of everything; a Costco-sized tub of safety pins or hot glue gun. Just put on a long-sleeved shirt and pair of pants and start affixing stuff to yourself. Stop when you can no longer move your arms and legs. (Suggestions for specific attachments, as seen on Hoarders: newspaper comics pages, beer cans, empty liquor bottles, stuffed toys, cockroaches, bed bugs, cats, cat skeletons, bags of feces. Use fake varieties of the last several items, please.

When the second season of Jersey Shore drew to a close last night, it was like closing the door on another dysFUNctional family reunion.

As much as we hate ourselves for watching each week, we’re going to miss our Thursday night dates with the potty-mouthed layabouts who favor random sex over relationships and drunken fist fights over civil conversations.

Vinny was the clear winner of the season, mainly because he was far less repulsive than the rest of his roomies. Sammi circled the drain with the lowest score, which is amazing, because philandering Ronnie lost so many points in the first weeks we certain that nobody could catch him.

In the finale, the roommates took a day trip to the Everglades. Vinny and Pauly D took their lady friends to a final dinner; Mike got some action in the bathroom of the club; and the roomies had one final blow-out fight before packing up and leaving Miami.

Here’s the final scorecard! Until season three, my friends…

THE SITUATION (10)
— On Everglades road trip, runs away from giant bugs. It’s truly amazing to us, because he’s probably exposed to much worse creepy crawlies every time he hooks up with a bar slut (-3)
— Ate frog legs, liked them (+2)
— Chased J-Woww into bathroom and taunted her with deep fried frog (-4)
— Regurgitated frog meal alongside highway (-4)
— Hooks up with the hoes that Vinny turned down in the bathroom at club (-5)
— Calls Ron out at dinner for his earlier womanizing behavior, but doesn’t get the reaction he was looking for (-2)
— When Snooki is upset on their last night, Mike brings her back inside to make sure everyone can have a pleasant time before they depart (+3)
— Makes a big going away breakfast for everyone, complete with champagne. But minus frog legs (+5)
Net gain/loss: -8
Current total: 2

SNOOKI (26)
— Tells Jenni that everyone called her fake, and somehow thinks this will not start a ruckus (-4)
— Jenni gets mad and confronts Mike and Pauly, telling them that Snooks gave her the intel (-5)
— She and Jenni get into a big argument because Snooki thinks everyone hates her now. Actually, I hate you both because I’m tired of looking at your obnoxious Ed Hardy hats (-3)
— Snooki starts anger-packing, which is actually quite efficient. I kinda hope someone pisses me off right before I take my next vacation (+4)
— Drags out the situation after everyone else stopped caring (-2)
— While sulking outside alone, Mike goes and gets her and things end on a good note… (+4)
— …but not before viewers see Snooki’s blurred-out nether regions two more times. Oh Snooki, thanks for the memories (-3)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 17

PAULY D (111)
— Went on a tour with “crocodiles or alligators or whatever you want to call ‘em.” Eh, we can’t tell the difference either (-3)
— Envied the power of the propeller on the air boat. Longed for one to style his hair, because it would take less time than a blow dryer. Now we know what to get you for Christmas, Pauly (+4)
— Takes Rocio out to dinner and they kiss (+3), but doesn’t want to try and mount her because he respects her too much (+5)
— Makes out with random at club a few hours later. Apparently does not respect Rocio enough to not defile his lips once more before leaving town (-2)
— Asks the group how to spell “likely.” Pauly D: Most likely to fail fifth grade spelling (-4)
— Was voted by the group as most likely to get skin cancer (-5), and laughs about it (-3)
— Jenni tells Mike that Pauly called him fake (-3)
— Gets so angry at Jenni and Snooki for starting drama that his veins pop out when he yells (-4)
— He and Mike know they are bros for life, and begin their drive home together. If that doesn’t make you a little misty-eyed, we don’t even want to know you (+3)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 102

J-WOWW (39)
— Hates frogs, becomes nauseated when some of the roomies eat frog legs (-3)
— Cleans out the nasty, nasty fridge, which contains old food from as far back as Vinny’s mom’s visit. It’s almost as nasty as cleaning the smoosh room, but this time she didn’t have help (+15)
— Mike calls her the fakest person in the house (-3)
— When Snooki tells her people were talking smack, she confronts them and start a big brouhaha on their last night there (-5)
— Snooki gets mad at her and they argue (-2)
— They make up and road trip home together. It’s a good thing, too, because you may recall that Jenni is the only one tall enough to drive the Escalade (+4)
Net gain/loss: +6
Current total: 45

VINNY (153)
— Makes dinner reservations to take Ramona out on his last night in town (+3)
— Ramona is 45 minutes late. He shouldn’t be surprised, but he should at least be a little mad (-5)
— She wants him to come visit her later, and he’s totally sprung (+2)
— Is later approached by two sluts at bar who offer him a threesome (+3), but he turns them down. “Just say no to hoes.” (+6)
Net gain/loss: +9 
Current total: 162

SAMMI (-25)
— Tries to start argument with Ronnie at dinner and we kind of understand why he wanted to cheat on her now (-4)
— Says she’s sorry, which is highly unusual for her (+5)
— Won’t help Snooki make tacos because she’s too busy lounging in the hot tub with Ronnie. Plus, it would require her to stand up and we all know she’s most comfortable sitting or laying down in bed (-4)
— Decides to go help Snooki, but makes a point to be a raging witch about it. She’s got the nickname Sammi Sweetheart, but we beg to differ (-3)
— Doesn’t say goodbye to Jenni when they all go home. Sammi: Still killing the messenger after 13 episodes (-2)
Net gain/loss: -8
Current total: (-33)

RONNIE (-6)
— Sammi and Ron go out to dinner, and Sammi picks a fight for no reason (-3)
— She finally apologizes four hours later (+4), but we stopped taking this relationship seriously about 10 episodes ago (-1)
Net gain/loss: +0
Current total: (-6)

FINAL TOTALS:
Vinny: 162
Pauly D: 102
Jenni: 45
Snooki: 17
The Situation: 2
Ronnie: (-6)
Angelina: (-16) (left in week 10)
Sammi: (-33)

As far as house-husbands go, Real Housewives Caroline Manzo, Vicki Gunvalson, Jill Zarin are some of the lucky ones.

No doubt these social wives are the stars of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Orange County and New York City, respectively. But with that reality TV exposure comes a peek into their personal lives, and we’re here to tell you: Most of the ladies haven’t done so well in that department.

In fact, in many cases, the men behind the women are bigger morons than their indulgent, excessive, dramatic wives. We’ve rounded up some of the worst offenders and ranked them from creepy to creepiest.

(And just think: This doesn’t even count the new men that will emerge with the upcoming Beverly Hills and Miami editions! It is sure to be an embarrassment of riches … if by riches, you mean asshats.)

Simon van Kempen, The Real Housewives of New York City: If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times: “What the hell is Simon wearing?” To be honest, we are surprised that Mr. Alex McCord has not been run out of any and all NYC fashion events, what with his penchant for tight red patent-leather pants, bizarre metallic military jackets and general over-the-top dressing habits.
However, there’s also something endearing about this goofball, which is why he ranks as the least-offensive of our husbands.

Count Alexandre de Lesseps, The Real Housewives of New York City: Say what you will about snobby NYC housewife LuAnn de Lesseps, but I think we can all agree that she’s a beauty. And if her now-ex-husband weren’t a rich count, we doubt the aging coot would have ever scored anyone as hot as her. Did we mention she was his fourth wife?
Once he got tired of LuAnn, he cheated on her with a much-younger Ethiopian princess and informed his wife about it over email, ending their 16-year marriage as well as his short run on The Real Housewives.

Frank Curtin, The Real Housewives of O.C.: Lynne was one of the most boring and useless housewives to date. And sadly for her, the most exciting thing that happened in her storyline came courtesy of her lying husband, Frank.
Unbeknownst to Lynne and her daughters (at least, according to Bravo’s storytelling), Frank defaulted on a $10,000 security deposit on their ritzy Laguna Beach apartment. The teen daughters were served with the official eviction notice on camera, and soon after, their parents were fighting about the situation during an afternoon stroll in the park. Meanwhile, Lynne and her daughter enjoyed a mother/daughter plastic surgery trip the month before.
Sounds like someone needs some private (and free!) tutoring from Suze Orman.

Slade Smiley, The Real Housewives of O.C.
Slade hasn’t been married to any cast members. Instead, he seems to be a serial stalker of the O.C. ladies, which is probably the saddest for his current squeeze, Gretchen Rossi. He was the boyfriend of original O.C. cast member Jo De La Rosa, then briefly dated another ex-Wife, , Lauri Waring, and we all thought he was a sleazebag then. So when he reemerged dating new Housewife Gretchen, it became clear that he was an older, sadder version of the fame-whoring Spencer Pratt.
In “real life,” he owes nearly $85,000 in child support for his young son, who suffers from a rare form of brain cancer. Some reports say he funneled his earnings from season five of Real Housewives through Gretchen so he could avoid the mandatory deductions. What a catch, Gretchen! Nice work.

Joe Giudice, The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Sure, Joe has a few redeeming qualities: He’s pretty generous with his money — when he has it — and he seems to truly love his wife, Teresa. But in general, he’s overwhelmingly gruff, disheveled, a chauvinist, void of any manners and spends more time wearing a wifebeater than the guys on Jersey Shore.
But the icing on the cake is that Joe also allegedly hid all of their money problems from his wife before filing for bankruptcy last year. He also just spend more than a week in jail on a DUI charge. As LuAnn would say, “Money can’t buy you class.” But even if it could, he’d probably get it repossessed.

Simon Barney, The Real Housewives of O.C.: Simon didn’t always come off as a jerk. Back in the day, he seemed harmless enough, and we even agreed with him that Tamra’s adult son needed to get a job when he moved back in with them.
But then Simon changed jobs and started hanging around the house a lot more, and that’s when we saw more of his agitated, controlling side come out. As their money problems escalated, Simon often insulted his wife through backhanded compliments. While Tamra stood up to him on camera, she also appeared to be genuinely, increasingly afraid of him in later seasons. They’ve since filed for divorce and reports claim physical and verbal abuse were common during their 11-year marriage. Tamra recently filed for an emergency EPO after Simon allegedly threw a retractable dog leash at her head. We say, good riddance!
Now, let’s just hope she can get that tattoo of his name removed from her ring finger.

Tareq Salahi, The Real Housewives of D.C.: Here are some of the things we know about Michaele’s husband: He owns a winery; his own mother has sued him; he has security detail at his place, in the middle of nowhere, for no apparent reason; he and his wife snuck into numerous high-profile, private events without an invitation.
This guy is as slimy as they come, and after watching him in action, we are convinced that 90 percent of what he says is an outright lie. The others have their issues, but this guy is by far the shadiest because he seems to believe his own tall tales. That seals him the No. 1 spot on this list.
Where is Jack Bauer when you need him?